The Bachelor Recaps

Frankly speaking

2010-07-20T19:08:00.000-05:00

Thanks to everyone for hanging in there with me when my server decides to repetitively attack my blogging program and convince you all I had moved and taken a job with Google in New Guinea. Or that I’m FORBIDDEN. It’s been an AWESOME couple of days. You know you’ve made it when you’ve been hacked! I’ve been told that I should feel honored and that I’VE ARRIVED!

Hopefully we’ll get this fixed soon. If in doubt, I’ve reactivated my old site (www.thebachelorrecaps.blogspot.com). Or you can always check Facebook. I think this is further proof that it’s time to really dedicate some hours to upgrading my website. Expect fun and exciting changes in the future!

Speaking of fun and exciting changes…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. However, if you or someone on your Twitter account happens to personally know, sort of know, friends with the nephew/former classmate of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying New Moon on DVD or have a Jazzercize instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelors on the show…none of this is personal and I’m sure they are all lovely people.

The first 20 minutes of last night’s episode included a voiceover from Our Host Chris Harrison strolling down memory lane as Ali literally strolls down a beach in LA while she reflects on each of her remaining suitors. Because I am in an efficient mood today, I’ll save us all time and brain cells by summing up (what we already knew) in what I call a beta cap:

Cape Cod Chris:
Ali adoring, CCC blushing, wicked awesome-ing, future wife hoping, mom passing, heart opening, heart worrying, heart protecting, heart connecting, face washing, mirror staring, extension flinging, lip pouting, Ali “liking”, CCC laughing, journey amazing, here for the right reasoning, horizontal rolling and love professing.

Roberto:
Dimples flashing, Lincee swooning, Ali giggling, Lion King flashbacking, family blessing, body groping, chemistry percolating, romance building, Ali giggling, Lincee eye rolling, baseball holding, dimples flashing, Lincee pausing, Lincee rewinding, Lincee swooning, Ali “liking”, Lincee like gagging, confidence oozing, Harrison nodding and tonsil hockeying.

I had already written down “hem and hawing, eyes tearing, junior miss wearing” for Frank when I realized ABC had changed the mood. From the lack of Mexican guitar accompaniment, I knew Roberto’s segment was over. But I was still confused. What is this eerie music playing? Where’s Harrison’s voiceover? Why isn’t it showing Frank and Ali on their Greased Lightning date?

Enter Frank. He’s walking around the Windy City in the latest style of skinny jeans from Abercrombie which a.) I’m sure he scored 25% off using his employee discount and b.) are actually from the women’s side of the store.

That’s not the point. The point is that he’s tortured. He’s an emotional wreck. And he hasn’t slept in days. Where’s Harrison when you need him?

Frank: “Ali and I have a connection that very few people have. It’s fun, romantic and sexy. It’s everything I’d want in a relationship and I can see us getting married one day.”

He pauses to collect himself. He breathes in through the nose and out through the mouth before continuing. He’s practicing the Stanislavsky method so the big kicker (which ABC conveniently spoiled both online and in teaser packages weeks ago) will be super dramatic.

Frank: “As my feelings have grown for Ali, so have they grown for my ex-girlfriend Nicole. Now I’m beginning to realize I think I might be in love with Nicole and I don’t know what to do. I’m supposed to have a romantic vacation with Ali. But I need to go to Chicago to see Nicole to see if I’m in love with her. I’m out of time. I need to make a decision. This could change my life forever.”

He wanders around the same block a few hundred times explaining to the camera that unlike the villainous Rated-R Justin, he has not spoken to his beloved Nicole in months. He has no idea what she is going to say when he “surprises” her at the Chicago Gateway Hostel near Lincoln Park.

Frank weaves in and out of college kids who couldn’t afford to backpack across Europe and knocks on Nicole’s door. He breathes heavily into his microphone.

A short little brunette steps out and wraps her arms around her ex-boyfriend, careful to not break the plane of reference by making eye contact with the camera man, key grip, boom mic holder and wardrobe consultant. She utters a monotone, “What-are-you-doing-here-Frank?” as they bombard the perfectly clean living establishment.

Look. I’m a clean person. I don’t live in filth. But if Frank showed up to my house truly unexpected at the end of the day, he would find a pair of high heels at the back door, a stack of unopened mail on the table, whatever super cute outfit I wore to work in a neat pile on the floor and me with my hair in a bun on my head in my Johnny Cash t-shirt eating Blue Bell ice cream straight from the gallon tub as DVR’d episodes of So You Think You Can Dance played in the background.

Not so much with the love of Frank’s life Nicole.

Frank: “I was nervous coming here.”
Nicole: “Why? I agreed to see you three days ago?”

Frank: “I spent the past weeks fighting other guys for Ali. We had an amazing thing from the start and it was so good and the chemistry was amazing.”
Nicole: “And where are you going with this scenario?”

In a moment of drama, Frank conducts the longest pause in the history of television. I got up. Made a sandwich. Did a few sit-ups and gave myself a pedicure before he continues to wax and wane.

Frank: “My feelings are very real. She is a great girl. Her and I have a good connection. Her and I had an awesome relationship.”
Nicole: “Even though I don’t think ‘her and I’ is grammatically correct, I’m going to stop you right there Frank and take this bull by the horns. I’m sick to think that you are getting closer to this Ali person. It’s heartbreaking.”

Frank: “I know, right? Through the process, I was falling for her and having an amazing time traveling the world.”
Nicole: “I have to vacate this room in an hour buddy. Get to the point.”

Frank: “If I forget about you, that says something. I wanted to see you to see if we had a spark that we had before.”
Nicole: “Show me the money.”

Frank: “Wrong one-liner babe.”
Nicole: “Oh right. Sorry. You complete me.”

Frank closes the gap between him and the woman he loves named Nicole and they sit forehead to forehead, rubbing each others’ forearms. Frank admits to the camera that he no longer thinks he’s in love…he knows he’s in love. Nicole whispers something to him in baby talk. I’m pretty sure she was asking for her jeans back.

Frank: “I’m in love with this girl Nicole and she is in love with me and we will live happily ever after. I have to go find Ali on an exotic island in Tahiti and I have to tell her what’ve I’ve decided today. It’s going to take a lot of courage, strength and I need you to support me because I’m scared.”
Nicole: “Can I come too?”

Meanwhile, Ali arrives in Tahiti via speedboat randomly waving to no one in particular. She’s in white pants and a hot pink top and talks about taking her relationship to the next level. After cannon balling into the South Pacific, our clever ABC intern convinces Ali that executing The Little Mermaid hair flip would really be the icing on the “Tahiti intro package” cake. She obliges. We laugh. And then feel a little weird that we’ve all done that in the shallow end of the pool and will never admit it to anyone as long as we live.

Ali: “I can’t wait to see Roberto. He’s going to look hot in Tahiti.”

Honey. Roberto would look hot in a suit made of burlap under harsh overhead lighting after four days of no sleep, okay? No need to state the obvious.

Roberto graces us with his presence looking hot in Tahiti. Yes that is stating the obvious, but Roberto what I meant was that he was literally sweating bullets. Hombre needed a window unit in his cabana. But being Roberto, he hops up on a fence and waits patiently for his lady friend. Ali arrives wearing a string yellow bikini under Frank’s stretchy see through wife beater. She has a flower in her hair. They share “missed yous” and Ali leads Roberto to you guessed it…a waiting helicopter.

Ali claims that the ride was indescribable. It’s probably because she is so over helicopters and insisted that she and Roberto make out the entire time pretty much ignoring the glamorous island tour. He scratches her arm just as Frank scratched his lover named Nicole’s arm. This must be the new way to show affection in which I am unaware. I’m guessing it’s a lot like a male peacock displaying his plumage to potential mates. When I was growing up, the guy gave you his letter jacket during homeroom and that meant you were “going together” and available to eat lunch at the same table in the cafeteria.

The pilot requests that they cease and desist from sucking face long enough to notice the heart-shaped lagoon below. Call me crazy, but I’d peg it as a kidney bean more than a heart. I’m just saying.

Ali: “I can’t believe we are in a lagoon that is in the shape of a heart! This is so cool.”
Roberto: “And we’re alone…”

Ali: “Yes! It’s just you and me. And the camera guy. And key grip. And sound mixer. Hey intern!”

The ABC intern waves to Ali.

Out of the blue, Ali strips off her pants to reveal hot pink bottoms.

I so did not see that coming. Yellow top? Pink bottoms? Ali is playing the saucy card.

And Roberto likes it! He swoops her up and takes her into the water. They “From Here to Eternity” for a while and then get into deeper waters to make out some more. Ali is annoyed that the ABC intern tries to get her to do the Little Mermaid hair flip again. She says she wants to be alone so she can straddle Roberto in peace. They make out during a 10 minute montage.

The Mexican music swells. Other things swell. My mom calls me for being so tacky and unladylike on my website.

Ali decides to test the gravitational pull of double-sided tape and properly introduces the ladies during her forgo card date. Golden leafs fasten from one boob to the other, held by a piece of dental floss. The bodice was gold lamé and flip flops completed the ensemble. The slutty Grecian outfit was purchased from Party City between the slutty Eskimo and slutty referee collections.

Roberto sweats profusely. When he isn’t looking, Ali collects some in a vile to wear around her neck. Roberto reminders her that he is here for the right reasons and confesses that he is falling in love with her. Then he draws her in with his amazing dimples and they make out.

Ali tells Roberto she has something impor-ant to give him. She hands him the forgo date card. Darling Roberto has no idea why Ali is grinning from ear to ear.

Roberto: “Hey. There’s a room key.”

Roberto reads the card in his most seductive Telenovela voice. Harrison has given them permission to forgo their own rooms to stay as a couple in the fantasy suite. Ali gives him a come hither smile and tries to smolder her eyes. Roberto schools her in the smolder eye game and admits it would be a shame to waste a fantasy suite.

The pair walk hand-and-hand through the water to get to their fantasy hut. Roberto sneaks a peek up Ali’s dress when she climbs the ladder. They don’t even waste time. They just begin making out. Ali strips Roberto of his wet clothes. Before we can all get a good peek, the FCC fades us to an outside shot of the hut.

Here’s hoping they don’t forgo the condom Harrison left in the date card envelope.

(Sorry Mama. Pretend you never read that.)

Hap heartedly sticking with the theme of letting it all hang out, only one boob peeks out from a weird cardigan looking cover up for Cape Cod Chris’ date. Ali sports a striped bikini, tiny white skirt and a side pony tail. They board a catamaran that’s like super impor-ant and explore their relationship on open waters.

Ali points to Bora Bora and ponders how somewhere as magical as this place could be on the same planet as Massachusetts. The Cape agrees. We all collectively take another sip from our beverages of choice and pray for the education system. Chris talks about home. Ali tells him she loves when he giggles and they make out.

Later, Ali explains to CCC that their lunch is over on a deserted island that is not in the shape of a kidney bean or heart. They must swim to get there. Cape wants to show Ali his adventurous side and suggests they fling themselves off the boat on the count of three. He counts. They jump. Ali screams. And then crawls over and practically drowns him as she attempts to make out.

They dog paddle until they can stand. Ali straddles him and he walks her to shore. As they kiss. Call me crazy, but that was a turn on for some reason. Yes?

Being the total goofball he is, Chris picks up an oyster and begins making it “talk” to Ali. He jokes about finding her a pearl. As he’s laughing, the FCC bleeps a “HOLY SH#T” from an enthusiastic Bachelor. He cracks open/kills the little sucker and presents Ali with a pearl. She freaks. He freaks. They pearl hunt for another 20 minutes.

Ali: “Looking for pearls reminds me of our relationship. If you wait and give it some time, you’ll end up with something beautiful.”

Can we get a round of applause for the producer who fed Ali that line? And kudos to the ABC intern for planting 27 fake pearls in the oysters.

Not feeling the need to go Grecian as she did for Roberto, Ali dresses up in a tie-dye tank top and huge billowy see through white pants. They have a picnic on the beach, complete with fruity umbrella drinks. Chris talks about his family and tells her that he sees himself with her.

CCC: “I really see myself with you forever. You know that, right?”
Ali: “Really?”

CCC: “Yeah. Really. (kisses Ali) Really. (kisses Ali) Really.” (kisses Ali)

HELLO MR. DARCY!

It’s official. Cape Cod Chris and I were MFEO.

After collecting herself, Ali hands the forgo date card to Chris. He opens it up and looks around to see if Our Host Chris Harrison is going to walk up and ruin his mojo. Then he notices the room key to fantasy suite 54.

At first I wondered why Roberto’s fantasy suite was more like a fantasy hut with a bed and Chris was a legitimate suite that included a pool. Then I remembered the show could have given Roberto the hallway next to the ice machine at Motel 6 and he would have been fine. Remember the pearl? Ali and Chris need time to make something beautiful.

I worry that Ali’s billowy see through pants are going to catch fire from one of the dozens of candles lining the floor of the real fantasy suite. Chris wonders aloud how they will top this on their honeymoon. Ali laughs. Chris says he would move anywhere as long as he was with her. She breathes a sigh of relief because the dentist bracelet was developing plaque build-up and she couldn’t imagine having to wear that thing every day to fit in with the sisters-in-law.

Then the camera pans away just as Chris whispers, “God I love you.”

He tells the camera that he loves Ali and that his Mom is looking down and smiling. Here’s hoping she looks away soon because she’s about to feel awkward!

But not as awkward as Frank pulling up in the water taxi with enough luggage to clothe a small country. He reminds us that he is in love with Nicole and can’t give Ali all she deserves. He is confused and doesn’t know how to handle the situation.

Enter Harrison. Looking classic in linen. Cool as a cucumber. Irritated that Frank has killed his mid-afternoon buzz. This guy is going down.

Frank: “I have some bad news.”
OHCH: “What’s up?”

Frank: “I’m in love with Nicole.”
OHCH: “Her name is Ali.”

Frank: “No. My ex. Nicole. My feelings for her are stronger than before when I saw her.”
OHCH: “How’d you leave it?”

Frank: “I told her I was in love with her.”
OHCH: “And she reciprocated?”

Frank: “Yes. We’re going to Paris to live for six weeks.”
OHCH: “You don’t live anywhere for six weeks Frank. That’s called a vacation where I come from. Listen, last time I saw you, you and Ali were tight. In a matter of days, you’ve taken a 180?”

Frank: “I’ve been known to overanalyze things.”
OHCH: “You don’t say.”

Frank: “I’ve been reluctant to share my feelings because I don’t know how to do it. How will she take this Chris?”

Harrison pulls the audience into their TV by his stare alone.

Frank: “Stanislavsky method?”
OHCH: “That’s how it’s done boy.”

Frank: “I think Ali may like me, which makes this difficult.”
OHCH: “She told me she’s crazy about you. I told her she was just crazy.”

Frank: “I’m in love with Nicole.”
OHCH: “Got it. Man up. Bite the bullet. Think outside the box. I’m not doing it for you. Are we done here? I’ve got a pig in the ground and beer on ice…”

Ali rambles on about her amazing connection with Frank and how she’s ready to take him on a sailboat all day long. She chooses a Flashdance off-the-shoulder see through turquoise top over her bikini. She wears a flower in her Malibu Barbie hair.

She knocks on the door. Frank opens. She flings herself on him as he mumbles, “We need to talk.”

Ali steps back…shocked when Frank asks her to sit down. She pouts her lips and begins fingering her hair extensions.

To no one’s surprise, Frank pauses as Ali bites her fingernails and begins crying before Frank can even say, “It’s not you. It’s me.” Ali begs him to tell her what’s going on. Frank pauses some more. I become irritated and fast forward to find Frank lifting Ali up in glorious praises about how amazing she is and he celebrates their connection.

Frank: “We had an awesome connection. I was crazy about you from the beginning. (PAUSE) My feelings were stronger and stronger and I was falling for you (PAUSE) but there’s something that was holding me back and (PAUSE) basically it was unresolved feelings for an ex-girlfriend named Nicole. And for a while I was thinking that they were just thoughts and didn’t mean anything but during the hometown date I hooked up with her. (PAUSE) I watched you drive away and I thought I could marry that girl, but I have feelings for someone else. (PAUSE.) So before I came to Tahiti and I went to Chicago to see Nicole. I wanted to give closure to that, but the second I saw her…”

Ali realizes that this sentence can’t end well for her.

Frank: “Ali. You are perfect in every way. Just not really because Nicole is truly perfect in every way and I pick her. Thank you for showing me that that 80s song by Cinderella is so true. You don’t know what you’ve got ‘til it’s gone.”

Ali begins to physically melt down before our eyes. The waterproof mascara holds up beautifully to the tears, but the snot turns her nose red, the gloss is smeared across her left cheek and the hair extensions apparently become very itchy when in stressful situations. She rubs her temples. Her ring looks like a lemon drop. Ali takes her flower and throws it on the ground.

That’s symbolism people.

Ali: “It’s so selfish of you to have done this to me. I’ve given up EVERYTHING to be here.”
Frank: “I gave up everything to be here too.”

Ali: “Well apparently not everything. And how DARE you wear yellow to dump me!”

Frank asks for forgiveness. Ali throws her shoes on the ground and cries into her hands. The tape keeps rolling. Frank holds her hand. She threatens to leave. He apologizes again. I implore Ali not to hug him. She does. She waves goodbye (what is with her and waving?) and he pulls her in for a hug. She leaves him with a gallon of snot on his signature yellow Polo.

She falls on the beach to cry it out.

Enter Harrison.

Ali goes through the five stages of depression. Harrison tries not to laugh during her “angry” phase and tells her he’s sorry.

Ali: “I’m questioning myself right now. I don’t want Frank to come back. Why would I even try to get him to stay? I feel so weak. And that’s making me feel angry.”

Harrison gives her a swift pat on the back, checks his watch and asks the ABC intern to run and have the Polynesians hold the luau until he deals with this train wreck. Ali begins a second round of ranting when Harrison takes matters into his own hands and gives his version of “there’s no crying in baseball” speech.

OHCH: “Look. You need to go back to your hut and relax. Perhaps put on something that isn’t see through okay? By the way…stop trying to make Flashdance happen. It’s not going to again. And while you are moping around worrying about Frank, here’s a thought…try and remember the great times you had with two awesome guys that are here for the right reasons, huh? Have you seen Roberto? Seriously Ali. Get a grip. You could flip a coin and win this either way. Oh. Tahiti asked me to tell you to stop picking their flowers and putting them in your hair. It’s illegal. PS: this (points to shirt) is how to properly pull off turquoise.”

Amen.

Rose Ceremony

Bless her heart. What in the world was Ali wearing? I can’t even describe it properly. I’m pretty sure my Mom wore it in the hospital when she had my sister in 1972, but one can’t be too sure. It was epic. And billowy.

Ali convinces Harrison that she still wants to have a rose ceremony because it’s soooo impor-ant. She wants Chris and Roberto to choose her back. She wants them to be with her…and not Nicole. Harrison seems a bit annoyed, but could use a rest and a couple of aspirin to head is hangover off at the pass. He tells her she has to explain to the boys what happened and she agrees.

Ali: “Hi guys. Obviously Frank’s not here. I didn’t like have a date with him this week. He has like things back home that he didn’t deal with before coming here and he’s gone home to like take care of that. Like it’s really hard but it is what it is. One thing I can confidently say is that I’m one hundred percent positive and say he is not the guy for me.”

Clear as mud. Cape Cod Chris assumes Frank officially came out of the closet and Roberto passes him 20 bucks.

She gives them both roses. They group hug and she announces that her family is waiting to meet them. They’re going to Bora Bora!

Next week is the Men Tell All followed by the most dramatic finale ever. Then we get to start over with the Bachelor Pad.

I can’t contain myself!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Where Are They Now?

2008-03-03T14:59:00.002-06:00

Next Monday, March 10, ABC will air a "Where Are They Now" special. Someone over at ABC is a genius! All our boys together. Maybe they can form some sort of support group.

Who's tuning in?

He Talks Purdy

2008-02-06T12:50:00.000-06:00

I'm a sucker for an accent

2008-02-05T09:18:00.000-06:00

Drew Lachey is really using his 15 minutes of fame since he won Dancing with the Stars a few seasons back. Not only is he hosting DANCE WAR dance war, (you have to whisper the second one) but he had the honor of introducing to America...or the 472 people who watch DANCE WAR dance war ... to the next Bachelor!

Meet Matt Grant. Here's the 411:

- 27-years-old

- 6'5"

- A global financier

- Considers himself a gentleman

- Loves a flirty woman

- Youngest of five brothers

- Has never seen The Bachelor

Oh yeah...and he's British. I think he's going to grow on me like his native cousin Hugh Grant did back during his Four Weddings and a Funeral days.

Break out the champagne, hot tub and cricket bats! We're going across the pond people! Show starts March 17.

Rumor Has It...

2008-01-31T19:55:00.000-06:00

Thanks for the heads up today guys! I leave the office to go look at rigs in Louisiana for ONE DAY and this happens...

Apparently Ellen and US Weekly had a big announcement.

ABC wants DDAHnna for the next Bachelorette. And she said yes.

How do we feel about this? Or do we care because the Bachelorette is an excuse to see lots of hot guys in hot tubs?

Discuss.

Bachelorette?

2008-01-11T08:45:00.001-06:00

(FROM VARIETY) – ABC is reviving its unscripted series The Bachlorette, which last aired in 2005, aiming for a summer debut. The series, a spin-off of The Bachelor, features a female attempting to find true love from among a group of male hopefuls. Bachelorette first aired in 2003. ABC is has not revealed any details about the new installment.

Your thoughts?

Mamma Mia! The Movie international trailer #1

2007-12-14T17:33:00.001-06:00

Brad on Ellen TOMORROW

2007-11-29T13:20:00.000-06:00

Just got a sweet phone call from my boss' wife saying that Brad is going to be on Ellen tomorrow. Tune in and let's discuss!

Mary, Mary...Why You Buggin'?

2007-11-26T09:09:00.001-06:00

Bless her heart...

After the Final Rose

2007-11-21T08:39:00.000-06:00

Our host Chris Harrison: “Two women left it tears. Brad remains a Bachelor. It was the ending the shocked America.”

I beg to differ my friend. Check out my blog. About a thousand people guessed that he wouldn’t pick either girl on the comments page. America is not THAT shocked.

But America is pretty pissy. And America wants answers!

Things we learned from last night’s After the Final Rose:

1. Trista and Ryan are still made for each other.
Our first Bachelor success couple made their way to the stage wearing jeans and t-shirts. They are so over this Bachelor thing, they don’t even feel the need to dress up. Trista, carrying cute baby Max, talks about how Ryan was climbing a mountain in Argentina when she found out she was pregnant. She discusses the show with Uncle Chris says she feels bad for everyone. I thought Ryan was mute until he took the baby and talked about throwing baseballs and catching frogs. He’s still hot. Not hotter than crap like Brad. But close.

2. Mary Mary and Butchwax are still together?
What in the world? Where did they dig them up? Mary Mary is a professional fisher woman now. I bet Butchwax loves that. Now they can be TOGETHER ALL THE TIME! There’s still a ring…and after two and a half years, there’s a date. November. I’m assuming 2008. I half expected Hanna Montana to come out and start singing to pimp her new album, but she didn’t. I guess Butchwax really isn’t Billy Ray Cyrus.

3. Jenni is going to be FINE!
Her sweet Grandma passed away two weeks ago. I feel she’s probably seeing life in a different perspective right now and could care less about Brad. ABC shows a touching montage of Grandma and I cry like a seven-year-old. Our host asks if she felt Brad was dishonest with her feelings. She graciously answers that there were little things that got her hopes up and concludes that when she saw DD get the boot, she was disappointed in Brad and lost a little respect for him.

4. I don’t know if you caught this while watching, but DD is confused. And maybe a touch angry. I’m just saying.
She expected a proposal. She doesn’t know what happened. She felt like her heart was stabbed. She thought it was rude for him to tell her he didn’t pick Jenni. She still has feelings. Pissed that he didn’t choose either one. Aggravated that he told Jenni that there was something missing, but she had the total package…and he STILL WALKED AWAY! WHY? SHE WANTS TO KNOW WHY!?! It’s not fair that she had to spend two months knowing he didn’t pick either girl. Torture for her to fake smile when people approached her and said, “I think he picks you!” But as stupid as it sounds, she still has a glimmer of hope that he won’t let her walk away for a second time.

5. Brad gets “booo’d” by the AFR audience. Nice. Now THAT is Bachelor history.
Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give either girl false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. We learn that ABC flew DD’s Dad out for Brad to get permission to marry her. AND IT WAS BRAD’S IDEA! He said up until the final moment he was desperately trying to make things happen. That’s why he bought the engagement ring. But a gut feeling told him it wasn’t right. He feels like a jerk. He knows he has problems. And for the record, he doesn’t have any children, is not gay and is not currently dating an ex-girlfriend.

6. Jenni wears cheeky hipster panties from Gap Body.
I know this because I saw her butt when she attacks Brad with a big huge hug. He whispers that he is sorry about her Grandma. She high fives him. He puts his arm around her, takes it away, puts his hand on her knee, takes it away. The audience laughs. Jenni calls it the friend pat. Our host Chris asks Jenni if she has any questions. And she asks the one we are all wondering. “If you had such strong feelings, what made you not want to take a chance on one of us?”

Exactly.

Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies. He thought he showed respect by walking away. Jenni doesn’t buy it and is convinced he is scared to commit.

7. DD is clearly not over Brad.
She looks like she’s going to choke him when she enters the stage. Very nervous, her question is the same as Jenni’s question. And our host’s question.

“You had two great girls. Most guys don’t even have one. Why couldn’t you choose?”

Brad says that it is hard to explain why he didn’t fall in love. He reminds us that his heart was broken too. He doesn’t have a formula for falling in love and didn’t want to give false hope. There just weren’t any butterflies.

DD rolls her eyes at our host Chris Harrison and asks him to please come up with another answer. She tells him that she was never led to believe that this wasn’t for real. He clears his throat and continues.
Brad: “There just wasn’t anything there.”
DD: (responding loudly) “BUT THERE WAS SOMETHING THERE! WHY WALK AWAY COMPLETELY?”

Brad: “I’m just as heartbroken as you are.”
DD: “Good. I’d like to think it breaks your heart for me to sit here and still be crying. I think of you every single day…what does that mean? You are still willing to let me walk away?”

Brad: “I’m confident in my decision.”
Lincee: Noooooooooo he didn’t.
DD: “Nothing makes sense…”
Brad: “Fair enough.”
Lincee: Is that an appropriate response? Could somebody bring Chad out here to fix this mess?

DD: “You are willing to let me walk out of your life a second time?”
Brad: “I can’t apologize for not falling in love.”
Long uncomfortable pause.

DD: “I need answers and closure and this still doesn’t make sense.”
Extremely long uncomfortable pause. Awkward. Very awkward. They still aren’t talking.

DD: “The one person I trusted broke my heart.”
LOTS OF SILENCE. This is pause is going on forever. Why isn’t someone talking? Our host Chris is torturing Brad. Seriously. I’ve just gotten up and made myself a turkey sandwich and they are starring in awkward silence.

Brad: “I swear that I thought I was taking the high road.”
DD: “I seriously thought you wouldn’t let me walk out again.”

It is at this point our host Chris Harrison finally jumps in and clues DD in:

OurHCH: “I don’t think you are ever going to get the answer you are looking for
DDAHnna.”
DD: “Apparently not.”
Ouch.

Then, idiot Brad hugs DD goodbye and whispers, “I’ll miss you more than you will ever know.”

Jerk.

A lot of people have asked me what I think about his decision…if he should have picked one girl after all of that. I have several theories I’m happy to share with you. Take your pick:

1. He truly was not in love and didn’t want to fake propose or fake date either girl. So why did he say what he said to each girl?

2. He doesn’t like people to be upset or mad at him. He’s an approval addict. Must be liked and loved by everyone. Is willing to do anything to keep that balance.

3. He definitely has commitment issues.

4. He is a romantic and believes that true love…the marrying kind…does not require any work. If butterflies are not there…it’s just not meant to be.

5. His business partners talked him into going on the show to get some publicity for the bars. I don’t think he became the Bachelor for free advertising. I think he agreed thinking it would be a nice bonus…should he find the woman of his dreams. His romantic fairy-tale dream woman. Kind of like Barbie or Cinderella.

6. I think he tried to be sincere, but it backfired.

So where does that leave us? Angry? Feeling like we wasted an entire Bachelor season with no payoff?

I say…eh.

It wasn’t that bad. This season brought us crazy Hillary and her BEEP’ing potty mouth. Sweet Sheena. A wonder twin switcheroo. Solista and her pole. Stephen King. And a hotter than crap Bachelor.

It was also the season I will forever remember as the one that pushed me to a million hits on my blogsite.

Now that is something to be thankful for!

I’m off to NYC. Got a message from Straight Guy # 1 that he is in the Big Apple too. We are going to meet at the top of the Empire State Building and discuss all things Bachelor. I’ll tell him you said hi.

Here’s hoping that the new Bachelor is not a chach and that the girls are just crazy enough for us to love them. For those of you who are only here for the Bachelor, I’ll see you next year. For those who are here for me, I’ll be posting on www.ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com a few times a week.

Until then, I’m all about the shame, not the game,

Lincee

Anyone up for a road trip to Austin?

2007-11-20T11:06:00.000-06:00

Who feels robbed?

Well…besides Jenni Couric and DDAHnna, but that’s a given.

I feel robbed because my viewing pleasure was RUINED last night by my own ignorance. Hate it when that happens.

I volunteer on Monday nights and always rush home afterwards to watch Dancing with the Stars, the Bachelor and Chuck (in that order) from about 9:00 to 11:00. That’s right. Three one-hour shows in two hours. This is why you must have a TiVo or DVR people. It’s a time SAVER…not a time waster.

So club ran a little late last night. I got home around 9:45. Called my sister to see what her reaction was to the final rose. She too, being a smart person, was watching a digital recording of the show and was telling me how bored she was. We were visiting about my upcoming Thanksgiving trip to New York City and how ticked off I am that Broadway is black this week when it happened.

Like an idiot, I started flipping through the TV channels absent-mindedly. And there was DDAHnna crying in a limo. OH I was so mad. I enjoy the suspense. I like being surprised. And I had just ruined it for myself.

I hang up on Jamie laughing her butt off at me, search for my laptop to take notes when my phone rings again. It’s my pregnant friend Karen who has been on bed rest for about 88 months.

Lincee: “Are you in labor? Has the baby come?”
Karen (sounding weepy): “No. I just want to know what you thought.”

Lincee: “I haven’t watched it yet. Are you crying?”
Karen: “Just a little.”

Lincee: “Is it that dramatic? Or are these your crazy hormones talking?”
Karen: “Well, I’ve been feeling some pressure this evening. We’ve been contemplating if I should go to the hospital, but I wanted to watch the last 10 minutes of the show. Call me when you are done.”

That’s a true fan ladies and gentlemen. FYI: Karen did not have her baby. The pressure went away. She is a crazy prego woman, but you’ll be happy to know that she and Ryan have decided to name the baby Chad Brad. Or Christopher Harris.

So now I’ve punched play and have just been told by our host Chris Harrison that this is the most dramatic finale in Bachelor history when the phone rings AGAIN. It’s Jamie.

I punch pause. Again.

Jam: “Are you watching this?”
Lincee: “Trying to.”
Jam: “Call me when you are done.”

Interesting…I’ve received two “call me when you are done” so something exciting must happen. SWEETNESS!

Then little boxes start popping up on my computer.

YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
INBOX GMAIL MESSAGE
YOU HAVE A FACEBOOK MESSAGE

Needless to say, I had pumped myself up for some serious drama. Our host Chris Harrison wouldn’t lie to me!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Meeting the Womacks

We see Brad drinking coffee from his beach house balcony looking mighty sad. He is confused. Poor thing is head over heels for two women and doesn’t know what to do.

Luckily, wonder twin Chad, other brother Wes and Mamma Pam are to the rescue! They will help Brad choose the love of his life!

Brad: “You guys are really going to love DDAHnna. She’s strong and independent.”
Mamma Pam: “Where’s she from?”

Brad: “She’s from Atlanta.”
Mamma Pam: “HOT DOG! A Southern girl. Does she eat grits?”

Before Brad can answer that important question, the doorbell rings. Brad jumps up and runs to let one of the loves of his life in to meet the family.

Brad: “Guys…this is DeAHnna…not DeANNa. She’ll get mad at you if you mess it up. And I’m not playing. She’s a bit sensitive to her name.”
Mamma Pam: “Well, I can’t get all that straight. I’m going to jump right in and call you DD. Or Sweetheart. How about Sugar Plum?”

Wonder Twin: “Hi. I’m Brad. SYKE!”
Other brother: Rolls eyes and gives thanks that he got the brains of the family.

The group heads to the balcony to have drinks. Mamma Pam is excited to see that Brad is really into Sugar Plum. Brad tells the brothers that DDAHnna tended bars for eight years and that if she is chosen, they will not only gain a sister-in-law, but an employee. Everyone laughs. Wonder Twin and Other Brother run off to find a football. Mamma Pam talks about how one cup of sugar should be added to all baking ingredients. And DDAHnna allows herself to think about her wedding for exactly 10 seconds as Brad affectionately brushes her hair behind her ear.

Mamma Pam and Sugar Plum have some alone time. They talk about how she’s in love, wants a big family and how she is hoping for a proposal. Mamma Pam is SOLD and is eager to get back to her boys to spread the good news!

Unfortunately, boys will be boys and that moment never arrives. Wonder Twin and Other Brother shove Brad in the pool and then jump in after him.

This makes me love the Womacks even more! And DDAHnna agrees with me. She said it was good to see him not so serious.

A dripping wet, hotter than crap Brad walks DDAHnna to her waiting SUV. He feels bad that he can’t hug her and give her a proper goodbye. Lincee thinks DDAHnna is an idiot for not grabbing him in a long embrace and making out right there, but those are my issues I have to deal with. He says he will miss her. She says she loved his family. She confesses to the camera that she feels like she could be his wife and that it’s scary that he may not choose her.

Back in the Bachelor pad, we see Brad and Chad in clean, dry clothes. Poor Other Brother has a little more girth than the twins and was not able to raid Brad’s closet. An irritated ABC intern is sent to the local Gap to purchase some clothes. We can’t have Other Brother walking around in a shorty robe, now can we?

Meanwhile, Jenni Couric bounds through the living room giving three cheers for the Womacks! Brad tells the camera that he is always on cloud nine when it comes to Jenni and as a result, hugged her forever. And then fixed her hair.

Does someone have a fetish? I think so!

The group goes out to the balcony to have some lunch. Mamma Pam asks Jenni if she has told Brad that she loves him. AWKWARD! Jenni says that she has not. Mamma Pam cocks her eyebrow at Jenni and requests some alone time so she can talk some sense into her.

Mamma Pam: “You know that old saying about how you are not marrying my family…you are marrying me? Well that’s not true in Brad’s case. You are marrying all of us and if I don’t pick a nickname for you in the first 10 minutes of meeting, you are on a very bad list young lady. Now let me ask you again…if Brad got down on one knee and asked you to marry him, what would you say?”
Jenni: “Yes! I love you! Let’s go right now!”

Mamma Pam: “That’s my Honey Bun. Let’s get back to the boys before they do something silly on national TV. I saw some irons in the shape of roses in the BBQ pit. I think Wonder Twin and Other Brother may try to brand my baby before you leave today. C’mon.”

Jenni: “Tossing the pigskin with the boys was so fun. I love being with Brad’s family. It makes everything so perfect. I’m ready to be a part of their family. Jennifer Dawn Womack. That sounds good, huh?”

Meanwhile, Brad needs some clarity. And where do you go to find clarity? Your Mamma.

Mamma Pam: “Are you in love?”
Brad: “I feel like I’m going to break two hearts…mine and the woman I don’t choose.”

Mamma Pam: “It was easier for me to talk to Sugar Plum. You’ve made this a difficult decision for all of us. Go get some straws and we’ll pick. Shortest goes home.”
Brad: “Thanks for nothing Mom.”

Alone Time with DDAHnna/Sugar Plum

DDAHnna sees herself marrying Brad, living happily ever after and cooking lasagna for him every night.

Brad: “It smells good in here!”
DDAH: “I baked!”
Lincee: Where the crap are they?

Brad: “This lasagna is good. So good.”
DDAH: “I’ll be crushed if you don’t pick me.”
Lincee: Seriously. Is this some random apartment complex that ABC has taken over for the day?

Brad: “I have very strong feelings. You are everything I’ve always looked for in a woman. You will be an incredible wife and better mother.”
DDAH: “It’s reassuring to know that you are thinking ahead.”
Lincee: I’m convinced this is the “option A” model floor plan.

Brad: “So are you going to yell at me when I leave the toilet seat up?”
DDAH: “I’ll let it slide one or twice. Then we have to talk. Same with the dishes and laundry. We have to do it my way.”
Lincee: Does anyone decorate with hunter green, maroon and navy blue anymore? And why are they talking about toilets?

Brad: “I want to be honest with you.”
DDAH: “I want to be happy. I want this for the rest of my life. That’s what scares me. I am falling in love with you and see myself marrying you. If you do not choose me, you choose the wrong person.”
Lincee: SNAP!

Alone Time with Jenni Couric

Brad: “Tonight, I have to put DDAHnna out of my mind and focus on Jenni.”
JC: “Today, I’ve been a huge mess. It’s the last time I get to see him before he makes huge decision.”
Lincee: Then why are you serving him peas?

JC: “When it comes to me, you have nothing to be scared about.” (Followed by a flood of tears and a bunch of apologizing and saying, “I’m sorry!”)
Brad: “Look…scoot next to me…don’t apologize. You have nothing to be sorry about.”
Lincee: You don’t get many “scoot next to me” in this day and age. Again. Why I heart Brad.

Then there was a bunch of boring talk about feelings and being scared and chopsticks and being real with each other and more apologizing and a bit of ugly crying to round out the night.

Finally.

And then she brings out a journal that she wrote for him. Here we go again…

Bunch apprehension that he’ll think she’s goofy, talk about how she loves everything about him and wants Brad in her life, etc.

Then she takes a deep breath and tells him she is falling in love.

That turns into another long soliloquy of Jenni Couric literally pouring her heart out to Brad through tears, gasps, gulps, snot and sweat. It was a beautiful thing.

Brad then goes to pick out an engagement ring. The best part about this two minute segment was the 15 seconds we saw of him getting dressed.

Final Rose

Brad tells the camera that he knows what he’s going to do and is confident in the decision he has made. It’s all about following his heart. It’s the most difficult thing he has ever done.

Limo pulls up. Our host Chris Harrison opens the door and extends his hand to Jenni.

Brad: “How are you?”
JC: “Good, you?”
Brad: “Good.”

I figure she probably knows at this point.

Brad: “I’m standing here looking at somebody that brings out a different side of me. And I hate to say this, but I want something more that I can’t find with us. Never thought I’d tell you goodbye…but here I am…and it breaks my heart. Please look at me. I want you to know how much I care and how much this hurts me. If you have anything to say, please say it.”
JC: “I can’t. I feel embarrassed for telling you how I felt.”

Brad: “There is nothing embarrassing about a person telling someone how they feel. It’s only on ABC which happens to be on national TV. But most people are probably watching Monday Night Football right now. So don’t worry. No one will remember this by the time you dance for the Phoenix Suns. A new Bachelor will be on in the spring to waste everyone’s time. Come here to me and give me a hug.”

Brad puts Jenni in the car and watches her drive away. He tells the camera that there is not a single thing he’s looking for in his ideal wife that DDAHnna does not possess. He then says, “It makes me more nervous for what I’m about to do.”

In true ABC trickeration, the sound guy plays romantic piano music when our host Chris Harrison leads DDAHnna to the guillotine.

Brad: “You look beautiful.”
DD: Looking scared.

Brad: “I told someone I was done when I saw you for the first time.”
DD: Looking hopeful.

Brad: “Remember when you said marriage is one time and one time only…I feel exact same way.”
DD: Smile spreading across her face in excitement.

Brad: “I just said goodbye to Jenni…”
DD: Wave of relief on her face!

Why Brad? Why in the WORLD did you start your breakup sentence with, “I just said goodbye to Jenni.”

Bless DD’s heart.

Then he starts fiddling with the tie. Pulling at the collar. She’s amused for a split second thinking it’s endearing because he is nervous to propose. She then realizes that this is what he does when he’s disappointed someone. She was there for the Hillary debacle. Remember? THE MOST DRAMATIC EXIT IN BACHELOR HISTORY! He leaves the proposal pedestal (sponsored by Home Depot) and starts pacing the enchanted garden. Poor DD has a deer in the headlights look. She knows this can’t be good. He returns to his spot, marked clearly by the ABC intern with a piece of blue electrical tape and begins his speech:

“I look at you and see so many things that I never thought I would have in my entire life. I have so many feelings for you and I want so badly to be confident to pick you up and twirl you around and give you a diamond ring. But I can’t look you in your eye and tell you I love you. Can’t give you a promise that I can’t keep. I refuse to do that. I have to tell you goodbye.”

I would have given $1,000 to see DD hop off the Home Depot pedestal and start pacing before she responded. That would have been classic.

Instead, she asks very smart questions:

DD: “How you can say goodbye? I guess my feelings are different. Am I a friend?”
Brad: “No…not at all. Love means so much to me. I refuse to give you false promises.”

DD: “That doesn’t sound right. If you care about someone, how can you watch them walk away?”
Brad: “I never meant to hurt you.”
DD: “Well I’m hurting.”

Brad: “Do you know how much I care about you?”
DD: “No I don’t. I thought I did. Until just now. (Hold it together DD.) I thought I had it all figured out. This is why I never wear my heart on my sleeve.”
Brad (teary eyed): “Don’t say that to me. Come here to me.”

Poor DD turns her head away from the camera and sobs in Brad’s shoulder. Little did she know that there was a secret bush camera and we saw the whole thing. But she held herself high with as much dignity as any of us would have in that situation I think.

DD: “So what happens when you regret your decision?”
Lincee: Saucy!
Brad: “I have to walk you out right now.”

Brutal Brad. Was the rent up on the bachelor pad or something? Did you have to pack up and head back to Austin because the bar business is doing so well with your new found fame? Or is it that you can’t handle the pressure of a broken heart? Need to go sit on the Home Depot pedestal and stare at the engagement ring for a good 30 seconds while the crane camera pulls away for a wide shot? Yeah…that’s what I would do too.

And don’t your hearts go out to Jenni and DD? Bless their hearts. DD’s poor lonely walk down the hallway to her hotel room. Just tragic.

I say Brad is an okay guy. My theory is that he was approached in his bar to be the next Bachelor. Having probably never heard of the show, he did some research and learned that it NEVER works out. He called a meeting of the minds with his partners Wonder Twin and Other Brother. They ran some numbers and thought it would be good for business to partake of this little reality show. Worse case scenario, he makes ABC write into his contract that he doesn’t have to pretend propose or pretend date the girl. Best case scenario, he finds someone that he is legitimately interested in.

Does he have commitment issues? That wouldn’t surprise me if it were true. Is he a heart breaker? I don’t think on purpose. I think he went in to the show with a view of fun and 15 minutes of fame for his business. I think he came out feeling like a door knob and probably regretting he agreed to do it in the first place.

I guess we will find out more tonight during AFTER THE FINAL ROSE!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Who's PUMPED?!?!

2007-11-19T15:02:00.001-06:00

This picture means nothing to me.

I have no clue who he is going to pick.

Five more hours!

Women Tell All…And They Don’t Hold Back

2007-11-13T10:27:00.000-06:00

The “Women Tell All” episode is always fun for me. For once, I don’t feel like I have to take extensive notes to remember all the juicy details. Instead, I just make a list of all the crazy things these media hungry girls say on national TV.

So I thought it would be fun to just write out…verbatim…what was in my notes.

WARNING: This might be a bit random.

- Seriously…the twin thing again?
- Our host Chris Harrison is so cute and witty.
- Hillary said that Brad is hotter than David Beckham.

Close...but not cigar. No one can mess with Becks.

- The word “b!tch” was uttered 14 times in that montage. Classy ladies!
- Someone said that Solisa is a slut. You think? Nice boob shot. Nice butt shot. Nice boob/butt shot. Nice body shot. Nice topless shot. Nice crotch shot.
- McNasty smells like a fish taco?

- Our host Chris Harrison asks McCracken if she was a bully. McCracken says that she and DDAHnna were just straight forward and mature. She then called someone a b!tch and turns to pout to her neighbor, realizes it is Hillary and sticks her tongue out at her.
- Stephy tells McCracken, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say at all.” McCracken has to be smacked on the back of the head so her eyeballs return to the proper placement in her eye sockets.
- Sarah wants to know why McCracken was so rude to her. McCracken simply states, “I don’t want to be friends with you.” Sarah calls her a ho skank. Let’s take that phrase to the bank readers! You don’t get ho skank anymore! Spread it around!
- McCracken said that all Jade and Hillary did was talk about her and DDAHnna. She thanks the girls for wasting “air time” on them. SNAP!
- Our host Chris Harrison plays the b-roll footage of Hillary comparing Bettina to an old used car…one you have to kick to make sure it runs. Bettina smiles blankly. Hillary laughs like an idiot and says she was drunk. McCracken says that she should have said that comment to Bettina’s face. Hillary pulls McCracken’s hair and says, “I stayed a week longer than you beyotch” and follows up with something resembling, “Neener, neener , neener!”

And that was just the first five minutes.

I think there are 1.2 million candles on the set.

Hillary in the hot seat:
- She’s still an idiot.
- Thanks ABC for showing us the footage of Hillary talking about chemistry and how Brad could be her best friend, lover and husband.
- Look! There’s the fake wedding dress that is two sizes too small! Nothing like a good heaving moment and feeling your boobs under your chin. I think I just saw a nip!
- Our host Chris Harrison asks Bettina why she cried almost every time she was with Brad. Hillary answers, “I know! What was that about? They should have given me PMS medicine.” They? Who are they? PROOF ladies and gentleman that there is INDEED an ABC psychotherapist.
- Our host Chris Harrison also points out that the “f” word was thrown around a lot. Friend. (Oh Chris…you sly dog.) He wonders how she didn’t see that coming? Hillary wonders why Brad didn’t tell her at the pool party. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER ONE: “Uhm…I think he did. Other than writing a sky writer to say, ‘Hil…we are just friends.’ Let’s face it. Even if he did you’d probably think, ‘Oh! He’s proposing!”

THAT, my friends, is what we need more of on The Bachelor. Our host Chris Harrison shooting from the hip. He and I together? Golden. I’m waiting for my call ABC producers.

Bettina in the hot seat:
- Our host Chris Harrison talks about Bettina’s emotional journey and how she was the controversial one of the group
- The girls feel that she was totally different in front of Brad
- There’s her Stephen King Dad again…laughing at Brad’s empty brain
- Our host Chris Harrison brings up how she was jealous of Sheena’s date. Sheena says that she would have been happy sitting on a towel in the parking lot. Who doesn’t love this girl?
- Bettina admits that she was totally surprised she got a rose after watching hometown date. She knows that Brad felt judged, but quite frankly she says she was a little turned off by Brad. She felt he was attacking her family and defends their attitude toward him

Spoken like a girl who came in third place. LOVED Brad’s reaction back stage to that comment. I’m sure he’s feeling complete confidence that booting Bettina was the right thing to do.

What the crap question of the night:
Random audience member to Bettina: Was it uncomfortable being intimate with Brad on your overnight date?

Sheena in the hot seat:
- Sheena gets a kudos montage of her freaking out about wonder twin Chad’s lack of blond ear hair. Can we please, PLEASE, step away from the ear hair? If I hear the infamous poem…so help me…
- We also see a video montage of her falling down the stairs and ugly crying. She talks about jumping down a rabbit hole too. She does resemble Alice in Wonderland, but I’m not sure that was the analogy they were going for.

Wonder Twin Chad in the hot seat:
- Sweet wonder twin Chad talks about how he and his brother look nothing alike. He knows that Brad is the good looking one. Did you not want to pick him up and rock him back and forth and call him your own? Just me?
- Our host Chris talks about the girls who had no idea he was a twin. Mainly fetus Sarah and other fetus Lindsey. Both claimed that they just trusted he was who he said he was. Poor Lindsey was confused as to why he was shorter.
- Wonder twin Chad said that Sheena exudes class. He said when you are genuine, you can’t hide it. All together now…AWWWWWWWWWWW!

Brad in the hot seat:
- He’s hotter than crap.
- Question from Hillary: “Obviously watching the show, I got it that we were just friends. I wish you were little bit more jugular…you were skirting around the issue. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER TWO: “Maybe you could have sported a tattoo that says Just Friends?” Hotter than crap Brad responds, “I do love you to death. I think more highly of you than you realize.” Not sure that was the appropriate answer for the psycho hyperventilating chick Brad. What’s that number again? The one for the restraining order store? You might want to put that on speed dial.
- Question from Bettina: “I know you felt judged by family. So why the heck did you give me a rose?” Hotter than crap Brad responds: “Because of you not your family.”

Seriously? Could he be more perfect? (Read like Chandler Bing.)

Bachelorettes Gone Wild reel:
- Solisa says she is shy. Video reveals that she might be for hire. Nice pole.
- In a brilliant move that will forever be one of the best WTA moments in Bachelor history, ABC chooses to show the Hillary “X-Rated” voice over of how she plans to have the Bachelor ravish her. Eighteen seconds of constant beeps and mouth blurs. The camera cuts from the b-roll, to an embarrassed Hillary, to a blushing Brad, back to snickering Chris, a laughing Hillary, b-roll still playing, back to uncomfortable Brad, on to Chris looking at his watch and back to b-roll. CHRIS HARRISON CLASSIC LINE NUMBER THREE: (Uncomfortable pause for effect) “Do you want to rethink your decision?”

YES! HE NEEDS TO BE A BIGGER PART OF THIS SHOW! YOU CAN’T TEACH PEOPLE HOW TO COME UP WITH ZINGERS LIKE THAT!

Our host Chris looks at Brad and says, “You can’t tell us how this ends, but can you tell us if you are happy?”

Brad answers, “Absolutely not a single regret. Thank you, thank you, thank you very much.”

Such a southern gentleman. Swoon!

ABC thinks we are idiots, and play a reel from two years ago about what the next Bachelor needs to be. I was not fooled. Lots of past season girls saying things like, “Hot!” and “Rich!” and “Funny!” mixed in with current girls from this season.

Our final video montages are two quick clips about both Jenni and DDAHnna. Here’s what our hotter than crap Bachelor had to say about both:

Jenni: She is an incredible woman who loves life. She’s always smiling and I can’t keep my hands off of her. From day one I was very attracted.

DDAH: She blew me away. She’s the whole package…beautiful, intelligent and independent. She’s made it through tough circumstances in her life and I admire her strength. She makes me want to be a stronger person. She’s a strong southern girl with values.

A quick vote from our panel of booted Bachelorettes, and we find the score pretty even. Six think Jenni is the winner and five believe DDAHnna will get the ring.

What do I think? Tough to say. He’s constantly talks about following his heart. And his description of DDAHnna seemed very heart-felt. His thoughts on Jenni seem to be very physical.

This could be the power of ABC editing as well. They choose what we hear and see.

I’d like to believe he doesn’t pick either because he reads http://www.thebachelorrecaps.com/ and has fallen head over heels in love with me and my witty banter.

Hey…it could happen.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Clarification...

2007-11-09T14:12:00.000-06:00

One of the last questions of my previous posts was confusing to you readers but made TOTAL sarcastic sense in my head. Now that I've had a few days to clear my mind on a rig in the mountains of Wyoming, I see where you got confused.

Sadly, I was not invited to Women Tell All. I will be enjoying the musings of our host Chris Harrison just as you will...hiding behind a couch cushion in my living room while searching frantically for something to shove in my ears.

Here's looking forward to a marvelous train wreck!

This is a Test...

2007-11-06T18:56:00.000-06:00

It’s taken me so long to write this recap because I’ve been staring at a blank screen for eight hours. Seriously. I’ve been experiencing heart palpitations because I have no idea what to write. Was the show even an hour long last night?
Don’t get me wrong…I love my future husband Brad Womack, but there was some definite snooze moments last night.

I guess the only thing to do is bring back a popular format from last season and check to see if ANYONE was paying attention to last night’s episode.

It’s test time!

Everyone have their number two pencils ready?

Date One
Jenni Couric

What was Jenni’s reaction when she found out they were going to swim with dolphins?
A. SHUT UP!
B. I’m scared!
C. I don’t want to look like a weenie!
D. All of the above.

What best describes Jenni’s bathing bottoms?
A. Cheetah print
B. Junior’s Department sale rack
C. Tiny kitten with a pink bow on its head
D. Non existent

What was your favorite underwater shot during the dolphin date?
A. Jenni and Brad’s flailing legs mercifully treading water
B. Jenni’s butt cheeks straddling the dolphin
C. Jenni’s crotch
D. Close-up of Jenni’s crotch

Quote from Brad: “I would love to spend the night with Jenni and get to know her in that way.” What do you think “that way” means to Brad?
A. That way her tongue feels down his throat
B. That way her snores sound like a buzz saw
C. That way her breath smells in the morning
D. Bow-chicka-bow-bow

True or False
Brad: “I will respect you in the morning.”

What was the “something special” that Brad had for Jenni in his pocket?
A. Forgo card fantasy suite invitation
B. A rose
C. Mr. Happy
D. A picture of Grandma Betty…OPAH!

Which part made Brad “most excited” during his date?
A. Jenni feeling in his pocket for something special.
B. Jenni asking Brad if that was a forgo card in his pocket or was he just happy to see her?
C. Jenni discovering the forgo card and tossing it across the room without reading its contents.
D. We don’t truly know because ABC had to edit it out for the children. No matter how many boob/crotch shots we saw this episode, this isn’t Cinemax people.

Which part was MOST SCRIPTED during the date?
A. Brad and Jenni lounging on the bed.
B. Seeing up Jenni’s skirt as she lounged on the bed.
C. Brad kicking the camera out of the room so he and Jenni can get it on.

Date Two
Bettina

Which object did Bettina most resemble last night?
A. Barbie
B. Toothpick

True or False
You actually give a crap that the sail boat was used in the American Cup Race.

Which best describes the amount of fabric used to create Bettina’s swimsuit?
A. One yard
B. One foot
C. Six inches
D. Dental floss

Which word was NOT used to describe Bettina in the course of the night?
A. Hot
B. Super hot
C. Beautiful
D. Plump

True or False?
It was lame that ABC used the same fantasy suites for each date, but tried to fake us out with the million blinding candles.

Bettina should NOT have done the following:
A. Work her father into the conversation
B. Telling Brad that moving to Austin would be difficult for her family
C. Leaning AWAY from the kiss in the steamy hot tub. (It’s official. She’s on crack.)
D. Told Brad she was falling in love.

Date Three
DeAHnna

Which interjection did Bettina NOT shout to Brad as they were racing dune buggies?
A. EAT MY DUST TURKEY!
B. YOU’RE LOOKING GOOD IN MY REAR VIEW MIRROR.
C. IF YOU NEED ME TO TEACH YOU HOW TO DRIVE, LET ME KNOW.
D. I refuse to be a weenie like Jenni Couric. He’s going down.

True or False:
DeAHnna: “In a normal relationship, you do spend the night and wake up together in each other’s arms.”

What did DeAHnna claim to know about her relationship with Brad?
A. I knew the minute I met you…it was right.
B. I knew there were crazy feelings when we kissed.
C. I knew when you left my house, you had my heart.
D. I knew that if I played my coy cards right, I’d be in the bottom two.

Who did Brad say he had a perfect night with?
A. Pick DeAHnna because that is the section we are on.
B. Jenni Couric
C. Bettina
D. Our host Chris Harrison

Rose Ceremony
Poor Brad is about to throw up. And that’s what I like about him. He compares his feelings with the weather…both tumultuous. (Take that SAT word Bettina’s Dad!)

He knows that someone is going to walk away with a broken heart. We all know that person is Bettina. Little Bets had no idea. I have to admit, I was on baited breathe myself. All the girls breathing heavily, including me and the ABC psychotherapist. It was a good 25 seconds before he called Jenni and another 14 before he called DeAHnna.

Brad walks Bets out to the courtyard. She says she is shocked. Brad says that this decision haunted him all day. Bettina decides that he didn’t pick her because it just wasn’t right and if he feels for Jenni and DeAHnna the way she feels for him, then so be it. Brad admits to the camera that it was just too much work. And true love should be easy.

Little waifish Bettina is handling herself well. She’s not crying. Her eyes are a bit watery, but that is to be expected. She tells her limo driver that she is still shocked and didn’t see it coming at all. I was so proud of her for not falling apart completely and then it happens. Look out below! F-bomb incoming!

Bettina: “It must be wonderful. Wonderful for him and the other girls. F-ing off the charts unbelievable. I can’t imagine putting myself out there again. I just fell in love with myself.”

And as I’m reaching for the remote to rewind to see what the heck Bettina just said, she repeats that she just fell in love with herself.

Interesting. I hope your other self brought a sandwich because girl needs to get some meat on those bones!

Bonus Question:
Who was NOT invited to Women Tell All that airs next week?
A. Bettina
B. Crazy Hillary
C. You
D. Me

Life’s too sweet to be bitter people.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

He’s Not That Good On Paper

2007-10-30T13:45:00.000-05:00

He’s not that good on paper.

Yeah. That sentence is ridiculous. The phrase “he’s not that good” doesn’t even make sense when it comes to Brad Womack.

Unless, of course, it’s followed by: “He’s not that good covering up his hotness.”

Did you see the two second shower scene? Two words…GOOD LORD!

I’m just saying.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Jenni Couric Hometown Date
Wichita, Kansas
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Why do we care?
The question I asked myself as Jenni tap dances (without tap shoes) on the stage at the Mary Jane Teall Theater…the exact same theater she won $50 from her first dancing competition

2. She needs to work on her self esteem issues.
The sarcastic Lincee coming out when Jenni tells Brad that dancing is her passion and she is really good at it.

3. We know you are faking it.
What we all thought when Jenni yelled, “This is embarrassing!” while dancing on national TV and hamming it up for the camera.

4. “She’s not a walking baby factory.”
Grandma Betty’s response to Brad telling the family he and his brothers are all ready to have families.

5. NO NO NO AWKWARD NO NO NO!
What I yelled at the camera when Mama Vicky started washing Brad’s hair at her salon. The blue towel wrapped around his noggin was a little femmy as well.

6. Look at me…I’m Sandra Dee!
The song that popped in my head when Sister Tiffany flat ironed Jen’s hair as they bonded over the fact that she’s falling in love with Danny Zuko.

7. HA!
Cracking up when Daddy Richard asks Brad if he has any goals. After beginning his memorized speech that our host Chris Harrison so thoughtfully prepared for him, Dad interrupts with, “You don’t have to tell me what they are…I just want to know she is taken care of.”

8. Uh-oh!
That gut feeling I’ve come to recognize as intuition…let the record show Brad is NOT sold on Jenni staying in Kansas to dance for Phoenix Suns. Even though he said he is willing to compromise and if it is true love, it will last a year. I’m personally not buying it.

9. I think 100 percent would have worked.
My reaction to Jenni telling Brad that if he picked her, she would be in the relationship a million percent. Heck…let’s throw in a bazillion, trillion plus infinity for good measure.

Sheena Hometown Date
Walnut Creek, California
LINCEE’S TOP NINE THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. She’s just a fetus.
What always comes to mind when Sheena’s age of 23 pops up under her name.

2. ME TOO!
My exclamation to the TV that Brad and I have the same zodiac sign.

3. A quizzical, “Hmmm.”
My reaction to Sheena’s Mom Bev telling Brad that the stars have lined up for him and her daughter.

4. Huh?
Again…Mom Bev talking about the Big Dipper and sitting in a Jacuzzi out back and how all of Sheena’s ancestors are looking down…and watching with celestial approval.

5. What the crap!?!
Here we have Bev again telling Brad…verbatim: “I know she’s the one, whether she’s your one or someone else’s one. There is no other one, because one is one. And I know she is THE ONE!”

6. [Giggling]
Kudos to the ABC Producers for inserting the random New Age plunky music in the background as Madam Bev continues to consult her crystals for further proof that Brad is THE ONE.

7. Oh dear.
Surprise, surprise, Madam Bev clues us in on another one of her famous discoveries: “When I saw your eyes, I saw them together.” Was she expecting the first Cyclops Bachelor?

8. Don’t go there…too late!
Sheena walks in the room and gives her Mom a certain look as if to say, “I told you not to talk about stars aligning.” Bev shrugs as if to say, “GUILTY!” and decides to dive into another topic. MARRIAGE! “We are ready to commit. I mean she is ready to commit. She is ready to be one man’s everything. Every Mom wants her daughter to be married. Cut to the chase…let’s get the ring…we’ve already got the flower girl and bridesmaids. I just see you guys together forever. It’s written…literally…in the stars. Orion to be exact.”

9. She’s done.
Sheena tells Brad that her family is so much of who she is. It was at this point that I knew Sheena was done. And there was no physical chemistry in his face or body language when they were in the hot tub directly under the Big Dipper. There were no bubbles in the hot tub either. Just pointing that out.

DeAHnna’s Hometown Date
Canton, Georgia
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Purple crush pride foam finger
The gift I would…nay…WILL bring Brad when he visits Hallsville, Texas…home of the fighting Bobcats. DeAHnna brings him a bushel of peaches. So cliché.

2. She’s 25?
My reaction to DeAHnna’s Dad telling Brad that he has known his daughter for 25 years and can recognize a sparkle in her eyes. I had her at 28, 29, 30-years-old. Great. She’s a fetus too! I don’t see Brad marrying a fetus!

3. [teary]
I’m just that way, okay? I sort of teared up with DeAHnna pulls out a photo album that had pictures of her Mom. Brad loves that her Mom’s death has made DeAHnna a stronger woman.

4. [teary…again]
DeAHnna’s sister Christy telling her that their Mom is watching over her and proud…no matter what happens.

5. I was a swarthy 12-year-old with sideburns.
My favorite line from My Big Fat Greek Wedding that popped in my head when Brad compared DeAHnna’s family to the movie.

6. I love PaPoo and YaYa!
How cute were her grandparents?

7. OPAH!
Brad throwing back the alcohol with PaPoo and YaYa. Reminded me of my recent Ukrainian experience http://ihategreenbeans.blogspot.com/2007/09/heres-to-vodka.html.

8. She may go all the way.
Self explanatory.

Bettina’s Hometown Date
Washington, DC
LINCEE’S TOP EIGHT THOUGHT PROVOKING MOMENTS

1. Did we just return from a workout?
Why was Bettina wearing Pilates pants to meet the man of my dreams?

2. What an a$$.
My reaction to Bettina’s Dad asking about his future. Brad explains that he went to Southwest Texas State (I refuse to call it Texas State) but didn’t graduate. He then went into business for himself. Bettina’s Dad gives a grimace. Brad asks what brought their family to DC and Dad answers with a smug half-laugh, “I was offered a professorship.”

3. Seriously. He really is an a$$.
I received confirmation of my previous statement when Daddy Robert tells the camera, “It is a great disappointment that Brad isn’t educated.”

4. Wow. They are a perfect match.
Mother Anne has similar views as her pompous husband. “I don’t like that my step-daughter has hooked up with a guy who runs a bunch of bars.”

5. Oh I get it…
I assume that Daddy is disappointed that things didn’t work out with Bettina’s perfect Harvard first husband. He tells the camera, “This is definitely not the way I want her to meet a guy. Her first husband was wonderful and she’s not going to find any better.”

6. I think Bettina is brainwashed.
Bless her heart, I start to feel sorry for Bettina. She tells the camera that her Dad’s opinion means the world to her. He counters with: “I have three issues. Obviously, the bar issue. Education is a definite disappointment. And can you see yourself moving to Austin?”

7. Or she’s just on crack.
Brad tells Bettina that he felt judged during their parent visit. Brad: “I want to feel welcome in your family. I may not have education, but I’m sure not going to judge anybody.” Bettina: “I don’t look that great on paper either.”

It took me a few rewinds and careful lip reading to finally realize that is what she said. BAD MOVE BETTINA! What in the world?

8. Bettina is not THE ONE.
Even though she got a rose last night, I feel Bettina is not going to be THE ONE. Brad: “I’ve worked really hard and that is what defines me. I don’t like that I’m defending myself. I want to spend my life with somebody whether it looks good on paper or not.” Families are big with Brad. And I think they are a deal breaker.”

It’s easy for me to say that I knew Bettina would get a rose the day after the rose ceremony. But there was too much ABC “drama editing” and that typically means the Bachelorette stays.

Poor Sheena and her super fabulous earrings get the boot. She’s doing a lovely job of keeping it together as Brad leads her to the tiny wicker bench that is most definitely not made for two. She compliments him on looking good. He tells her to quit being so nice. He starts with his rehearsed soliloquy:

“I think you are so deserving of happiness in a perfect guy. I wish that I was that guy, I just don’t think I am.”

And out of NOWHERE, Sheena loses it with…I shutter to recall…ugly crying. You know what I’m talking about. Bless her heart. Sheena, the Princess of Power, clings to Brad’s neck for dear life and confesses that he is the first thing she thinks of in the morning and the last thing she thinks of when she goes to bed. She inhales deeply, trying to embrace his smell and forever remember the aroma.

Brad puts her in the limo and tells the camera that there was zero chemistry.

Who’s pumped about the exciting forgo dates in Cabo? SWEETNESS!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Slip-N-Slide + National TV = Just Wrong

2007-10-24T12:58:00.000-05:00

So there I was on Continental flight 822 from Colombia. We had just landed and I, under strict orders from those in my immediate family, called to say I was back in Houston the minute the plane touched the runway. My Mom and sister Jamie are both teachers, so I left voice messages for them. My Dad, who never answers his cell phone, greeted me with a booming, “HOLA!” when I dialed his number.

Lincee: “Hey Daddy. I’m back!”
Daddy: “Did you call your mother?”

Lincee: “Yes. Left a voice message.”
Daddy: “Good. She wants to hear from you. Apparently there was a meltdown.”

Lincee: (shocked) “What? Who had a meltdown? Is everything okay?”
Daddy: “I don’t know…I don’t watch that show.”

Lincee: “Show?”
Daddy: “Yeah. Your show. Some girl freaked out and it’s all everybody is talking about on your recap. Oh…and Marie Osmond fainted on that other show that comes on before The Bachelor.”

It’s good to be home people.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

I was in my Bogotá hotel room, trying miserably to convince myself that the mattress I was laying on was NOT made of pure concrete, when my cell phone gives a familiar ring.

Text message from friend Kristin:
“I've got to tell you your favorite host Chris is wearing a very unfortunate shirt on the Bachelor tonight."

Indeed. He looked like an 80-year-old man who had just returned from a week-long cruise in the Caribbean. Tommy Bahama gathers the girls together to explain that two will be going home and four will have opportunity to take Brad on hometown dates.

One-on-One Date
Bettina
“Join me for a romantic evening on the water.”

Crazy Hillary opens the first date box and announces Bettina’s name through gritted teeth. They rifle through the random crap that the ABC intern frantically tossed in a box to discover that Brad is taking Bettina on a gondola ride.

Kristy: “You know what you are supposed to do under bridges, don’t you?”
Bettina: “No…”
Kristy: “You are supposed to kiss him.”

Poor Kristy. Get your head in the game.

Jenni giggles, Hillary attempts to stop Kristy’s heart by using only her brain power and DDAHnna tells the camera that Bettina has the “mystery thing going on…and it’s working.”

Bradley thinks Bettina has all the potential in world to be that girl he’s looking for, but he wants to see if she can relax and be herself. She confides in him that as more time goes on, she is getting comfortable. She thanks him for his patience and tells him that she has so much faith in him. He makes it easier for her.

It is at this point that I’m uninterested in the conversation and find myself loving the fact that Brad is sitting Indian style on the blanket. Why this is attractive to me, I don’t know. I’m just bored with Bettina and wonder, as the other girls do, about her intentions. She’s off to me.

Brad takes this opportunity to ask Bettina about her past. She admits that she is not proud of the fact that she is divorced but could not go through life being unsatisfied. She wants to be completely in love.

Brad finds this endearing and tells her all he wants to do is hug her. He thinks she is “drop dead gorgeous” and so many things about her are perfect.

Cut to the gondola. I’m cracking up because I can imagine this “river” they are on is in a fancy shopping center somewhere. Sort of like the Venetian in Las Vegas. Bettina is awkward and talks about being nervous.

WHAT IN THE WORLD ARE YOUR NERVOUS ABOUT BETTINA! HAVE YOU SEEN THE FREAKISHLY HOT GUY YOU ARE SITTING NEXT TO? DID YOU NOTICE THE BRIDGE YOU JUST FLOATED UNDER?

Such a waste of a perfectly good date.

Brad is pretty good with the context clues and starts a conversation about how he wants to move things slowly and gives her kudos for trying to open up. He falls all over himself letting her know that it is okay for her to take her time and wants her to talk when she is ready.

And like a nine-year-old, she quickly gives him a peck on the cheek and shows no body language of him getting to first base.

Group date
Jenni
Hillary
DDAHnna
Kristy
“Come to my house for a pool party.”

WHOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO!!! The scream that could be heard for miles. It didn’t dawn on me, other than the fact that she’s from Crazy Town, why Hillary was making such a huge deal about this date. We find out later that she is the only one who hasn’t seen our Bachelor without a shirt.

I guess there is reason to celebrate. I’ll erase one crazy mark by her name.

Right of the bat, we learn that Kristy is not a pool person.

AAAAAANNNNNNNNDDDDDDD there you have it. Bye, bye Kristy.

As if the footage was straight out of the MTV Spring Break Beach House, we see girls cart wheeling of the side of the pool. (Kristy sitting casually on the lounge chairs.) Girls doing cannonballs into the deep end. (Kristy dipping a perfectly manicured toe in the water to check the temperature.) Girls playing chicken with Brad. Hillary announcing to the camera that “Brad is between my legs!” (Kristy finding sanctuary under an umbrella as not to taint her alabaster skin.) And who could forget the underwater crotch shot scenes? Simply classic!

And then…there was the slip-n-slide. The Wet Banana if you will.

Does this not have ABC intern written all over it?

Why Bachelorettes? Why? Why would you fling yourself onto a skinny little piece of yellow plastic with tiny trickles of water scantily spraying the length the apparatus? We’ve all been on a slip-n-slide. They never…ever…work. Most of the time, you forget that there is GROUND underneath the devil toy and your brain somehow thinks that the Wet Banana is going to cushion your fall like a pillow. Wrong. And if you manage to get a good slide in, there are typically two outcomes: you slide a few feet and hit a dry spot that results in a raspberry burn or you are flung off the side and greeted to a mouthful of freshly cut grass that sticks to every part of your body.

I’m just saying.

Hillary flings with reckless abandonment.
DDAHnna gets a wedgie.
Jenni does flip flops down the slip-n-slide.
Kristy brushes her hair in the air conditioning.

Hillary steals some time with Brad and they chill on a big float in the deep end of the pool. Let’s listen in on their conversation:

Hill: I think you are an awesome guy.
Brad: I think you are an amazing person.
Hill: Straight up now tell me, do you really want to love me forever?
Brad: I think you are sweet and sincere and I’m so comfortable with you.
Hill: We should be lovers.
Brad: We can’t do that.
Hill: We should be lovers. And that’s a fact.

Brad to the camera: I wonder if this is just a friendship and not romance.
Hillary to camera: I can tell that we have chemistry. It makes me happy that he is comfortable with me.

It is what happens next that we can for sure, 100%, without a doubt, unmistakably confirm that our gal Hillary is officially off her rocker. Remember, she’s just told the ABC psychotherapist that the chemistry between she and Brad is palpable. She can feel it in the air.

She then goes into pretty graphic detail of all the other things she’d like to feel.

Hillary: I would let Brad ravish me any time. I would want him to BEEP my BEEP and then I would BEEP while he BEEP on the BEEP. After we BEEP, I would show him my BEEP and BEEP with a BEEP so we could BEEP on the BEEP for BEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP. I’m trying to think of something G-Rated to say.

Not needed Hillary. We get the picture. Literally.

Unfortunately for him, Brad was not around to hear that Hill was going to BEEP his BEEP the first chance she got. He had taken DDAHnna over to some random chairs out by the pool. They sit awkwardly and talk about how they think about each other. It was obvious to the viewing audience that Brad wanted to at least kiss DDAH, but he chickens out after sneaking a look behind his shoulder to find Jenni practicing her toe touching, Kristy balancing a book on her head and Hillary waving to him like a complete fool.

On the other hand, my boy takes Jenni to a secluded hammock to make out for 15 minutes. Interesting.

One-on-One Date
Sheena
“Treasures await you.”

Brad tells the camera that spending time with Sheena is important because his brother thinks she is the bomb. He picks her up in some flip flops and jeans and tells her that there will be surprises all night long.

Surprise 1
Six gowns from which to choose. Sheena says she’s drawn to the white one, but will wait to wear that later. Wink, wink! (Blech.) Brad sends her up the stairs to try one on and is chomping at the bit to see her in the dress. You see reader, Brad is a romantic person. He loves the fairy tale ending. He sees her coming down the stairs and can’t wait to embrace her with his loving…

Surprise 2
BOOM, BOOM, BOOM, BOOM…
Sheena bites the dust. Brad laughs…in a polite way. Lincee watched it six times.

Surprise 3
Sheena limps onto the veranda full of white balloons. They hug and sway. It’s like walking on clouds.

Surprise 4
He gives her a pair of diamond earrings before dinner because he just can’t wait. He loves surprises. And I love him, but that’s neither here nor there. Brad asks why Sheena is still single. She says it’s because she is picky. Brad starts talking about Chad again. Red flag. He then tells the camera that she is solid, beautiful and would make an amazing wife.

Surprise 5
Small orchestra is around the corner by the pool, playing soft music.
Brad: Would you care to dance?
Sheena: I would love to. You are a great dancer.
Brad: You are a beautiful woman. I love how you always smile.
Sheena: How could I not.

Perfect kiss.

Back at the Bachelorette pad, Jenni and Bettina are up waiting for Sheena to get back from her date. She flaunts the earrings and goes into long-winded detail of each surprise. Bettina said compared to Sheena, her date sucked and announces she is going to bed.

BEST TEASER OF THE NIGHT:
“Up next…the most shocking rose ceremony ever…when Hillary loses her mind.”
I heart our host Chris Harrison. Even with his Tommy Bahamas shirt.

I hit the FF button on my DVR and notice there is TONS of time remaining. Twenty-four minutes left for the infamous meltdown! Sweetness!

Hotter than crap Brad tells the camera:
“For lack of a better word, I’m kind of freaking out tonight.”
Don’t you just love that?

Anyway…

I’m sure he’s freaking out. He’s worried that Hill is going to boil his bunny. He decides to take a moment with all the candidates to make it look like he’s having a hard time making a decision.

Alone time with Kristy:
Oops. Ended up on the cutting room floor. Too boring.

Alone time with Sheena:
Bless her heart Sheena. She wrote a poem. And this is not made up. It’s word-for-word what she actually said to hotter than crap Bachelor Brad.

I love your laugh, your smile your touch
The moles that run up your arm
The patch of blond hair on your ears
Your goals and most of all your charm

She wrote a poem about his moles. His moles. How Brad did not laugh at that second line is beyond me. Sheena, Sheena, Sheena. At least call them freckles. Mole is so gross. And the patch of hair on his ear? Why is this the SECOND time we are hearing about this patch of hair? And correct me if I’m wrong, but isn’t that sort of an insult? Who wants to hear that they have hair growing out of their ears?

I bet you didn’t know that he wrote her a poem too did you?

I love your face, your teeth your grin
The long hair that grows on your chin
That gunk that gets caught in your eyes
Those little dimples on your thighs

Alone time with DDAHnna:
Brad: You look beautiful.
DDAH: My butt looks good too.
Brad: Don’t get me started on your butt.
Lincee: Well played my friend.

Brad asks DDAH if her feelings are real. She talks about not wanting to get hurt and how her heart pounds when she sees him. But she embraces this feeling. They talk about their one-on-one time and she reminds him that she is not going to kiss with other girls around. Brad points out that there are no girls around at that moment and they kiss. Well played AGAIN my friend.

Back inside, Jenni confronts Bettina about something that has been bothering her.

Jenn: You said last night that you weren’t happy with your date.
Bett: You mean when I said mine sucked?
Jenn: blank stare
Bett: I was joking. I meant it sucked in a good way. You misunderstood.

Alone time with Bettina:
Brad: Don’t you think our date was perfect?
Bett: I think so also. I felt relaxed and comfortable. I know I’m not comfortable being intimate…I know it will be fabulous one day…but by the end of date I wanted your hands on me. This is deeper than anything I’ve ever felt.
Brad: That sucks. But in a good way.
Bett: You totally get me.

Before his alone time with Hillary, Brad reminds the camera that he sort of tried to give Hillary clues that he is just not that in to her. He admits that she didn’t get it and he needs to be honest with her during this time.

Brad: I feel so comfortable with you.
Hill: It’s good to be total BFFs.
Brad: That’s nice, but I’m afraid that we need to be more than that and I just don’t see us going there. That’s what is so confusing. Do you follow me?
Hill: Absolutely.
Brad: (looking shocked) How you holding up? You okay?
Hill: Yes. We have chemistry and I want you to be my lover, husband and BEEP until we BEEP the BEEP.

Brad motions for the ABC intern and tells him to have the psychotherapist on hand. This is not going to go well at all.

After handing roses to DDAHnna, Jenni, Sheena and Bettina, the camera gets a close shot of Jenni rubbing Hillary’s back as she rolls her eyes as far back in her head as they can go.

All the girls hug like they are old friends. Kristy bows out gracefully of course. We never hear from her again. Hillary makes the lone walk up to Brad and embraces him in a huge death grip…eyes closes…unwilling to let go.

After much prying, the intern and psychotherapist lead her to the courtyard. The tears are flowing wilding now. She wipes the running mascara on her white dress. She leans over and begins to hyperventilate. WE NEED A BROWN PAPER BAG! CAN WE GET A BROWN PAPER BAG!?!

Our Host Chris Harrison comes to the rescue with a brown paper bag and secretly giggles to himself, so happy that Lincee will have some good writing material this season.

Back inside, we find Brad pacing in front of the four remaining girls. He’s snapping his fingers. He’s pacing. He’s snapping. ABC intern gives everyone toasting champagne and Brad hands his over to Sheena. He must go outside and tend to Hillary. After all, they are BFF and he’s concerned.

He approaches the raccoon faced girl, snot pouring out of her nose, curls falling listlessly out of their Quinceañera bun and tells her to “come here to me.”

Hillary: I (gasp) don’t understand. Why are you BEEP sending me home?
Brad: I’m scared to take a step as big as meeting your family when we are too good friends.
Hillary: It sucks (sniff) and I’m falling for you (gasp) and I’m going home without you in my BEEP arms. I wanted you to meet family. I wanted you to (snort) shake my Dad’s hand. BEEP! I can’t force (gasp) you to feel something.
Brad: I think you are one in a million.

I would agree with that Brad.

Poor Hillary is upset that she is going to be known as “the friend” on the show. Yes Hillary. That’s what we are all thinking right now. You will be remembered as “the friend” from the Hotter than Crap Brad season.

So here’s to the most dramatic exit in Bachelor history, to meeting the families next week and to more footage of the Bachelorettes jumping naked in the pool! (Did everyone see that at the end?)

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Recap might be late next week

2007-10-19T10:37:00.000-05:00

UPDATE: I'm here and loving it in Bogota. I know there is a little accent over the "a" in Bogota, but have no time to figure out how to insert it right now! Looks like I'll be watching the show late Tuesday and writing it Wednesday. Would watch at ABC online, but Internet connection here is very low. And by the way...they are on the CENTRUM SILVER season here! Can you believe it? Byron and Mary Mary. I can't even stomach it. How very sad.

I have a great story about a "minor mishap" in the airport that I'll share on my return. Until then,

Ciao from Colombia!

Boss: "What are you doing Monday and Tuesday?"
Lincee: "Watching the Bachelor."

Boss: "I need you to go to Colombia."
Lincee: "As in Ohio?"
Boss: "No. That would be Columbus. I need you in Colombia.
As in the country."

Lincee: [blank stare]
Boss: "Great. We'll talk about details later."

Let the Tears and F-Bombs Fall Where They May

2007-10-16T15:37:00.000-05:00

I have to say, last night was one of my favorite episodes in a long time. Love was in the air. Hot tubs were bubbling. Snot ran from noses. Knifes protruded from the backs of designer dresses. About 13 f-bombs dropped on national TV.

It just doesn’t get any better than that people.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

I have to admit that I wanted to be Jenni Couric at that moment. Am I right? or am I right...

Group Date
“There’s nothing sexier than a woman’s laugh. Come show me yours.”
Sheena
McCarten
Hillary
Bettina
Kristy
Stephy

Even though he is a self-made Austin millionaire, Brad is not a refined person. He like to kick back and laugh. He wants to see who can just have fun. He doesn’t want anybody who is shy and reserved.

He takes them to a comedy club in a double decker bus and tells them that THEY are the show. All of them will be performing today.

Hillary embraces the spotlight.
McCarten rolls her eyes as she clucks like a chicken during warm-ups.
And Kristy starts to cry.

The teachers share a secret with the girls…if you feel stupid, you are doing it right. They begin with a prop improv. The rules are: use the prop in any way that it is not meant to be used traditionally.

First prop: A pink pointed party hat

Hillary: holds the cone and says, “Things are bigger in Texas.” Classy innuendo Hill.
Bettina: holds cone like a megaphone and yells, “I love you Brad!”
Kristy: deer in the headlights and whispers, “Pass.”
Hillary: puts cone up to boob and sings, “Vogue, vogue, vogue.”

Brad taps a cowbell this whole time which I loved. We need more cowbell in this world.

Second prop: a feather boa

Bettina: walks up with boa, chickens out and goes back to the group laughing at herself. After much encouragement from Brad, she returns to the front, holds the boa in front of herself and says, “I forgot to shave.”

Kristy’s turn! Wait. Nope. She passes again. She’s not comfortable being put on the spot and feels ridiculous.

Challenge: Beg for a rose as if you were a dog.

It was so bad, I’m embarrassed to type the words. Hillary said something stupid. Sheena rolled on her back and asked for a belly rub. My ears are still bleeding from shoving my pen down as far as my brain would allow. Let’s just not go there.

Challenge: Dating show

Hill: dressed up like a cheerleader says, “You are so hot you make my pom poms sweat.” She follows that up with the “Give me a B” cheer and spells out Brad.
Kristy: dressed like a cowgirl says, “My name is sugar and I’m looking for a little spice.”

You could have heard crickets chirping in that auditorium if I hadn’t been laughing my butt off at that moment. Classic Bachelor. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes. Rewind. Play. Laugh. Wipe eyes.

Poor Kristy. Bless her heart. She goes for plan B and turns on the tears.

“I’m so mad (sniff) that I didn’t step up to the plate. It’s really (snort) important for you to see fun side of me. Now I’m panicky (gag) and crying. I only have (snort) so many (choke) chances to show you the real me.”

But Brad prefers potty humor to waterworks and gives the rose to Bettina and her feather boa.

Which makes Bettina fall madly in love with Brad. And when I say “madly” I’m being literal. Might be a little crazy in those eyes…I’m just saying.

Two-On-One Date
DDAHnna
Jade

Nice! ABC arranged for the two girls who HATE each other to be on the two-on-one date. For some reason Jenni Couric reads the date box rhyme constructed by her boy toy Brad. (Did anyone else think this was odd?)

“Tonight there is just one rose. One stays…one goes.” Then she sucks in some air, purses her lips, mouths the word “ouch” and dangles her rose in front of them before she skips off to hang it with the other roses from the chandelier above her bed using a hair clip.

The girls pack their 12 bags of luggage and leave them by the door.

Jade is not going to let DDAHnna walk away with the rose. He thinks Brad will see through her fakeness. DDAHnna thinks she is more compatible.

Unfortunately, the ABC intern forgot to book another date night and re-uses the one from Jenni Couric’s date. The three are on a rooftop and Brad opens the conversation with a serious topic:

Brad: “I’ve been missing out on that one special person…I want to find her. With that said, what do you think about moving to Austin?”
Jade: “I’m fine with that. I’ve lived in Canada before.”
DDAH: “I packed myself and moved to Nashville after school.”
Jade: “I’ve lived in 34 of the United States and have 11 stamps in my passport.”
DDAH: “I’ve just booked a trip to Mars and plan on wintering there.”

Brad: “Interesting. You seem independent.”
Jade (interrupting): “I relate to that. I started working at 16.”
DDAH: “I worked at 14.”
Jade: “My mom had me shucking corn when we lived in Nebraska when I was 10, so HA!”

Alone time with Brad:
Jade: “I feel like I’m under a lot of pressure.”
Brad: “You don’t give yourself enough credit. You are confident and beautiful.”

MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY MAYDAY! ABORT JADE! START CRYING! HE CAN’T HANDLE THE CRYING! BITE THE INSIDE OF YOUR MOUTH IF YOU HAVE TO!

Cut to the Bachelorette pad:

“How does everyone feel about getting engaged?” is asked with an enthusiastic YES answered by all the girls excluding Bettina. She’s bold now that she has her hot pink feather boa and decides…to go there…

Bettina: “Do you know what marriage is? You can’t be on this show and commit to a relationship after six weeks. I know. I’ve been married before.”

GASPS!!! The other look at her in wonder and poke her with a stick. This rare “divorced” creature is indeed a sight to behold.

Hill: “If you know…you know. People give up too easily. I personally wouldn’t want to date someone who’s been married. You’d have to kick the tires every once in a while to see if she’s still running.”

Spoken like a true idiot.

Let’s get back to Brad’s alone time with DDAHnna:

DDAH: (read in robotic tone) “I want to be honest. I don’t wear my heart on my sleeve. I want to be here. I want the chance to fall in love with you. You are going to do what your heart tells you to do and I hope that’s me.”

Let’s face it. I do think boys like the chase. But if you are not “that girl” then you have to put it out there that you want him. DDAHnna did that. Jade did not.

We see Brad saying goodbye to Jade. He talks about it being horrible thing he had to do. I have to admire him for not getting all touchy feely with her. He even kept his hands crossed over his chest as a sign of tough love. The camera shows him shutting the door on their relationship and then cuts inside to the session with the ABC psychotherapist.

And next comes the brilliant ABC editing. Really. Kudos my friends.

Jade crying in limo: “I’m shocked to be going home.”
[Cut to steam rising across the skyline on the rooftop. Pan down to show bubbling hot tub surrounded by millions of tiny candles.]

Jade: “I really wish he could have seen through her.”
[Cut to tight shot of Brad’s tight abs. Man he is hotter than crap. DDAHnna enters the shot in teeny tiny bikini. They sink into the tub holding champagne glasses.]

Jade: “DD doesn’t deserve my happy ending.”
[Long lingering shot of DD and Brad making out in hot tub. They slowly go out of focus and we see a single red rose in the foreground.]

That’s art.

ROSE CEREMONY

Hillary is concerned. The mood is somber. She wishes people would lighten up.
McCracken: “The mood is more somber because two of us are going home.”
DDAH: “No. The mood is somber because you all are going out with my boyfriend.”

Kristy steals some alone time with Brad and babbles on about being guarded and how she was glad Brad saw her cry and get emotional. Because she is an onion and has layers. Brad then points out that she is not an onion. She is a classy refined chocolate covered strawberry. What if he wants nachos? Can she be a messy runny nacho?

Sheena hears that crying gets you a rose, so she uses her last chance to tear up. She tells him she is there for all the right reasons and doesn’t want to go home. Being Brad, he pulls her into his shoulder so she can cry it out.

After wiping the tears from Sheena’s eyes, Brad wanders over to Kristy, Bettina, DDAHnna and McCracken. They want to know who was the first person he kissed on the show. I won’t go into the unfortunate way they asked him this question. Just trust me on this one…

When they find out it was Jenni Couric, for some reason, all hell breaks loose. Bettina calls her a slut and a liar.

(Remember that crazy we talked about?)

The group investigates:

“Did you kiss him or he kiss you?”
JC: “He kissed me.”
DDAH: “Did you think Jade was coming back?”
JC: “I felt you were someone he would be attracted to, so I prayed for her to come back.”
Bettina: “What about him? Don’t you want him to find someone to be happy with?”
JC: “Yeah?”
Bettina: “So why would you pray for him to not find happiness?”
JC: “Because I want it to be me he ends up with.”
Bettina: “I’m surprised that you are treating this like a game.”

Hi. Bettina? It’s the ABC Producers. Yeah…uhm, this little “adventure” you are on is called the Bachelor. It’s a reality show. A “game” if you will. Did we not explain to you the rules of this show before you signed up to “win” the heart of the man of your dreams?

Alone time with Jenni Couric:
Brad: “I miss you.”
JC: “I miss you too.”
What number of points are we on? Four? Five?

Biggest laugh of the night:
MCC: “I wonder who is going home tonight?”
DDAH: “NOT ME!”

Sadly, McCracken and Stephy were sent packing along with Jade. Super pumped that he kept crazy Hillary and as last night’s sneak peek of next week’s episode shows, there is going to be some major drama and hyperventilation as she gets booted to the curb.

And poor Sheena falls down the stairs. I. Might. Die.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

It Takes More Than Showing Your “Special Spots” to Win the Heart of Brad Womack

2007-10-09T17:25:00.000-05:00

My guess is that ABC tried to brainwash us with the circus. You know…greatest show on earth…but I didn’t buy it. I have to admit, I was a little bored last night. Maybe it’s because I’ve seen the same thing over and over again from this beloved show. Or maybe it’s because I was anticipating the wonder twin power at the end.

Maybe it’s because I was doped up on cough medicine and the thought of laying my head down on the comfy couch cushion was much more entertaining than what was on TV.

It’s a mystery. But there were a few juicy parts. And I’m sure you know the ones I’m talking about.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Group Date One
Greatest Show on Earth
Stephy
McCracken
Jenni
Lindsey
Sarah
DeAhnna

Date box arrives with a ton of circus paraphernalia inside…big glasses, Dumbo ears, red noses…the works. DeAHnna is super stoked. She’s never been to a real circus…just the fake ones they put on in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Brad is excited to see the inner child in all of the girls. He loads them up in a limo, reads his cue card, and tells the girls that they will be seeing lions, and tigers and bears…

They all shout, “OH MY!” in unison. Brad grins. Lincee rolls her eyes and reaches for her box of Kleenex.

They feed the elephants. One of them blows snot on young Sarah. Brad leads them to the luxury box. I wonder why I’ve never seen a luxury box at the circus? Probably because they don’t have those at the Wal-Mart circus. Gee…DeAHnna and I have a lot in common.

Stephy balances on a tight rope in her flip flops. Jenni balances on a ball. All the girls stand in a line while clowns juggle bowling pins around their faces. Jenni busts out into some spontaneous gymnastics. She executes a round-off, back handspring, back flip.

In a strapless top.

Good night! Did she staple the top to her chest? How in the world did that thing stay up? I bet she’s a little disappointed that ABC didn’t have to censor her nip with a little rose bud. I’m just saying…

Brad pulls Jenni away to tell her again that she reminds him of Katie Couric and that he has amazing chemistry with her. She decides to get serious and ask him if he can handle a long-distance relationship. And when you get serious with your fake boyfriend, you hold his had in a death grip to your chest. She takes a deep breath and starts chattering away.

She is a dancer for the Phoenix Suns and has committed to the entire season. She assures him that she wants to be the last one standing. Brad mumbles something about her allowing him to date other people and then tries to get to second base. Unsuccessful due to the Gorilla Glue holding Jenni’s shirt tight to her skin.

Brad moves on to Stephy who talks about her Dad the whole time.
She cries a little.

Sensing the emotional breakdown, Brad herds the girls backstage to watch the inner workings of the Ringling Brothers circus.

Next thing we know, the head clown grabs the audience’s attention by announcing some exciting news from the hanging microphone. The Sexiest Bachelor EVER is in the house- Brad Womack!

[Silence.]

Hi…ABC? It’s Lincee. Yeah…I don’t think these people have any clue as to what in the world the head clown was talking about when he presented Brad Womack, the Sexiest Bachelor EVER, to the circus audience. Maybe next time you could give a little introduction that you are the world renowned ABC reality hit THE BACHELOR and then hype up your boy a bit? You could show him in that shower scene and I bet…

[Audience sees Brad and goes nuts because of his sheer hotness.]

Well there you go. Shower scene not needed. What the heck do I know?

It’s at this point that we realize Brad has a thing for the circus. He is geeking out about being a guest ring master and even admits to the camera that he can’t contain himself.

“I feel like that kid from Titanic. I’m the king of the world.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

During the circus, Brad pulls McCracken away. He’s not sure of her intentions and admits that there is a friend vibe. McCracken is extremely upset to hear this news and tells him that she is not an insecure person and doesn’t need a rose to secure his affections. He confesses that this approach is refreshing and he escorts her back to the circus. McCracken tells the camera that dating Brad is like walking the tight rope…some people need a net and some people don’t.

$10 says the ABC psychoanalyst fed her that line. Seriously. McCracken coming up with that analogy? I don’t think so.

There were a few more circus moments but they are too embarrassing for me to write down. The wig. The clown nose. The dancing. Just trust me on this one. You don’t want to know.

Stephy gets a rose for putting herself out there by crying while talking about her Dad.

One-on-One Date
Hillary
Just Get Dressed and I’ll Take Care of the Rest!

Hillary pulls out a little trolley and a slinky black dress from her date box. Using both clues, she decides that her date destination will probably be San Francisco. Little did she know that ABC would rip-off the entire opera scene from Pretty Woman, right down to the million dollar jewelry around her neck.

Sister Solisa helps Hillary into her slinky black dress. She runs off to find some scissors. We’re not sure if this is to cut the dress into a short mini or to add another thigh-high slit. Regardless, Hillary is telling the camera her game plan. She’s going to be touchy, feely, keep him laughing and hopefully get a big fat kiss afterwards.

Unfortunately, she whined, moped, cried, gulped and got a sympathy rose at the end of dinner.

It started out with nervous giggling. Little eye contact.
Then it slowly turned into a trembling lip and watery eyes.

Cut to the other Bachelorettes talking about Hillary. Raise your hand if you want her gone? DeAHnna and McCracken raise their hands.
Back to Hillary: “I would rather give the shirt off my back and be happy and crazy in love than not find someone I can potentially like…someone I can fall in love with.”

Brad looks confused.

Bachelorettes: “I can’t believe you can be so rude?”
DeAHnna: “I’m just being honest. Why would I want her to come back? It’s a competition?”
McC: “I’m not here to make friends.”

Hillary: “I don’t want you to think I’m an emotional girl, but I do want to give my heart to someone and get married. I want them to love me for me…feel like I haven’t found that.”

Brad looks scared to death, takes a deep breath and hands her the rose.

Hillary: “I’m not going to look at you because you will make me cry.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Brad makes it all better by taking her to the Ghiradelli Chocolate Factory. They make out and Hillary tells the camera she is in love.

Psycho.

Group Date Two
Boobies of the Caribbean
Sheena
Solisa
Kristy
Bettina
Jade

You can imagine what was in the date box. Sailor’s hat, anchor, pole for Solisa. Sheena is excited about the boat and the sails. She’s boated her whole life. Probably been to a regatta gala or two in her day.

Hey Sheena…we don’t know who you are. Maybe you should be excited about the hot guy beside you? Just a thought.

Sheena takes my advice and shows her adventurous side while risking her life (and Brad’s) on the wave runner. She shows her rebel side by being pulled over by the coast guard.

Bettina shows her dark side by admitting that she was married and divorced.

Kristy shows her fun side by steering the boat. Watch out Brad. She’s feisty! Brad gives her the rose.

And Sister Solisa shows her back side because, her words not mine, “All I can do is shake my butt really fast. So I did.” On his lap. Nice.

The Chad
Brad can’t believe his “identical” twin dropped everything to come to Malibu (in the same outfit because twins dress alike) and help him figure out which girls know the true Brad.

This has nothing to do with their bars, the Chuggin Monkey and the Dizzy Rooster, and how their sales have quadrupled since the Matthew McConaughey look alike hit the small screen three weeks ago.

Power of marketing people. I’m just saying.

Brad wants Chad to pose as him during cocktails to see who can tell the difference. He feels that if it’s real, she won’t be fooled.

The brothers, using their twin powers that only twins know, run down the list of girls, descriptions, likes and dislikes. Brad tells Chad:

Stephy: Likes her Dad
McCracken: Not intimidated by nets.
Jenni: Uses industrial strength duct tape to keep clothes on
Lindsey: Does not like work, but loves to water color
Sarah: Makes a mean Cosmopolitan
DeAhnna: It’s DeAHnna…not DeANNa
Sheena: Dude…try and figure out who this chick is, will ya?
Solisa: Your wife will kill you if you go near this woman
Kristy: She’s tall
Bettina: Tainted from a divorce
Jade: I’m questioning the length of her bangs. Is that wrong?

Brad stays in the limo to watch the action and give regurgitated one-liners fed to him by the ABC intern.

McCracken questions, but finally concludes that Brad has a case of the giggles. Lindsey dives in to deep conversation with Brad about engagements, camping and timelines. Not a clue. Sheena is suspicious right off the bat and tells him his voice is different and the weird patch of blond hair is not on his ear. She figures it out. Chad comes walking around the corner and Kristy screams, “You’re not BRAD!” Bettina figures it out after about a minute. And poor Sarah thinks Brad looks different but decides he’s just not himself tonight.

You think?

She decides it’s just her imagination. Bless her heart.

Classic Bachelor Line That Will Go Down in History:
Stephy: “Either Brad’s wearing dentures, or I’m really drunk!”

Later, our host Chris and Brad introduce Chad. Lots of freaking out, yelling, fantasizing by Solisa, pointing and gasping. Brad admits that it was a test and he feels it was important to know who knew that Chad was not the genuine article. All intentions were pure.

That has to make you feel good that some girls pay that much attention to you.

Or it’s scary

Sarah the fetus and Lindsey the swimming nanny/model were both
sent packing along with Sister Solisa. Sarah was distracted by Chad/Brad’s drink to notice it wasn’t really him. Trooper Lindsey tells the camera that she’s not going to cry over something that wasn’t there. Then she cries.

And then there’s Sister Solisa. I’m going to miss that girl. I felt that they had a strong connection. I mean, she did show him those “very special parts” of herself. I guess those “special parts” were not what he was looking for.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Here’s to the North, Here’s to the South…

2007-10-02T13:12:00.000-05:00

So there I was in my kitchen wearing only a string bikini, mixing drinks as usual, when three thoughts occurred to me.

1. The pronunciation of our Bachelor’s last name. Womack. ABC is adamant, almost forceful, with the emphasis on the WOE in Womack. A hard WOE if you will. This is merely an observation.

2. How cute is our host Chris Harrison? Isn’t he super adorable when he discusses that Brad WOmack will be taking the girls on two group dates? Precious!

3. Breast Cancer Awareness York Peppermint Patties. Complete with a pink center! I suggest you run and buy several bags today. Not only are they tasty, but support a great cause!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. You probably aren’t even reading this because the simple disclaimer has been a part of my recap since the days I emailed this puppy to just a few of my closer friends. HA! Fooled you. You’ve skipped this witty banter and will not know what in the world your friends are talking about when they say, “Did you like the new disclaimer Lincee did?” However, if you or someone on your Facebook page happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying spaghetti O’s or have a Pilates instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Date One
Join me for a day at the races!
Erin
McCarten
Kristy
Mallory
Hillary
Jade
DeAHnna

As the girls reveal little fake horses, binoculars and betting tickets from the big date box, there was really only one thing that kept running through my mind…

Would you wear the big hat?

I know it is a fun tradition and I’m sure those hats are the latest trends on the fashion runway. However, some were literally big enough to shelter four people from a torrential downpour and I don’t know if I would have chosen that moment to try and pull it off. I’m just saying.

Back to the race track.

Brad is in serious mode. He is in this to find a wife and wastes no time in admitting to the camera that he wants good detailed conversations with these ladies. He is interested to see who bets big and who plays it safe, because you can learn a lot from a gambler. You learn when to hold em, when to fold em, when to walk away and when to run. And let’s face it…Brad needs to run, screaming, from some of these women.

The first one-on-one time we see is with Hillary. You remember her. The one I thought was the cute girl-next-door from Philadelphia? Well guess what? She’s the girl-next-door that will stab you in the back with the same knife she keys your car. But we’ll get to that later.

Hill and Brad feed carrots to the horses, laugh, hold hands and discuss surface issues like the weather as he rubs the small of her back. On a scale from one to 10, Hill tells Brad he is an 11.5! She then tells the camera that she will kick anyone in their shins if they mess with her man. I’d be willing to bet she’d scratch your eyes out too. Literally.

I’m not quite sure what ABC is trying to pimp this next moment, but Shaun Phillips of the San Diego Chargers saunters into the luxury box. He gives the girls t-shirts and steps outside to discuss his first impressions with Bradley. He thinks that McCracken is awesome (probably because she was the only one who knew who he was) and he thinks DD is cool.

So then Brad…wait a minute…what? Back up. Who the heck is DD?

After a quick rewind of the DVR, I learn that DD is none other than DAHnna. Guess she created a nickname for herself because we ALL KNOW that she doesn’t like to be called DeANNa.

Where was I?

So then Brad gets a phone call from Michelle. Home girl has gone and “fallen” down the stairs. Luckily, Sheena was there to “find” her laying flat on her back and immediately called and ambulance. The girls were SO CONCERNED that not one of them accompanied her to the hospital. Brad learns that she has a concussion.

McCracken: “She has a concussion and can call you from the hospital?”

Nice. Class act right there. Later, McCracken wonders how Michelle got Brad’s phone number? Feeling that she is losing her psycho death grip, she chooses to snag him away for some alone time. Action must be taken!

And here we are. It’s the moment. You know the one I’m talking about and my blood pressure is rising just typing the words. My brain is swelling from remembering the scene. All of you by now know that I spend half of the show hiding behind a couch pillow, screaming “STOP IT” to the TV while rocking myself back and forth in hopes to comfort my rotting soul.

And this moment was no different.

MC: “I want to make a toast to new beginnings and perfect dates.”
BW: “OK. That sounds great. You know…”
MC interrupting: “Or I could just kiss you.”

Poor Brad isn’t even looking anywhere near her face. His focus is concentrating on his boot, his champagne, the splendor of the grass…I don’t know, but my boy starts talking about how glad he was that they were at the horse races when McCracken lays one on him in mid-sentence.

I’m not one to judge and say that’s not attractive…to interrupt a conversation with a kiss. It can be very exciting! Typically though, there is a moment…a split second moment…where the other person gets it, eyes lock, a flash of a flirty smile, mere millimeters away from each other…and you know they would rather make out than talk. It’s mutual.

This, dear reader, was not that moment.

As I mentioned, Brad has yet to make eye contact with McCracken. It’s unsure if he didn’t hear her, or was choosing to ignore the comment. Regardless, she’s panicking and chooses to go in for the kill because time is running out. He begins to turn towards her when she leans in and lands sort of in the vicinity of where the cheek, meets the end of the nose, meets the corner of the mouth. Brad, freaking out, decides to keep talking. He muffles out something about being glad she is with him. And as I type this, the awkwardness is STILL HAPPENING. He won’t quit babbling. She won’t stop kissing.

It is at this point when I go from comfort rocking and muttering of my signature, “Nonononononononono,” behind my couch pillow to a mixture of pacing the living room floor, sitting, standing, pacing, screaming and literally walking into the kitchen away from Satan’s box because I am quite honestly that embarrassed. It was so bad, that I didn’t care there were a few things I probably missed. I race back in the room when I hear Brad talking. And I am so glad I made it in time for him to admit to the camera:

“We shared a kiss…and it wasn’t that good.” He melts into a fit of giggles, which makes me adore him even after that hideous display of affection. Let the record show that I blame McCracken. At this point in the night, I still had hope for Brad’s kissing abilities.

Back to business.

DeAHnna tells Brad she was in a relationship for five years. He commends her for her commitment. She said he cheated and she would never be unfaithful. He praises her honesty as he fastens a flyaway hair behind her ear. She admits that it’s hard to vie for his attention, but she came in with open mind. What you see is what you get. Brad gives her the date rose and tells her he wants to keep her around as long as she wants to be around. See? Guys love a challenge!

Date Two
Let’s get half naked with the hoochie mammas!
Bettina
Stephy
Sheena
Sarah
Katie Couric
Lindsey
Solisa

After a quick bikini fashion show to remind the Date One girls that Brad will be seeing their boobs and butts, the seven girls blow kisses to the camera and head to the coast with Brad in his 1960s “Surfin’ USA” Beach Boys automobile.

Girls are cartwheeling on the beach, playing football, “surfing” and pulling wedgies. A fun time was had by all.

Brad takes his position behind the bar to make everyone drinks. The girls are extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off. Lincee is extremely annoyed that Brad has not taken his shirt off.

Finally, Stephy succeeds with the removal of the dark blue fitted tee and confesses to the camera that what is underneath was good…really good. I would have to agree with that statement.

Now that shirts are off, the party can get into full swing. Brad pours a round of shots and Katie Couric toasts the group: “Here’s to the north…here’s to the south…here’s to finding out what he can do with his mouth!”

ABC…America’s family network.

Sarah steals some alone time with Brad. They talk and talk about things they have in common…like they were both once 21…and Brad tells the camera that he loves her disposition. He thinks she is down-to-earth and has a lot of fun talking to her. He gives her the date rose and she cheeses out for him.

Let the record show that I think she will go far, but I don’t think he would pick someone that young. We shall see.

When they return to the party, Solisa, bless her heart, asks Brad to do a body shot. Some salt is sprinkled and licked off her collar bone, tequila is sucked out of her belly button and a lemon is gnawed out of her mouth.

Again…fun for the whole family.

Poor Bettina wants to throw up. Brad is cautious. He’s trying to stay open-mined. “Hey…if you are fun and wild, that’s fine. Just show me the real you.”

So she does. Cut to Solisa sharing her faith with Brad as she lectures him on how important values are to her. Oh…and she is comfortable with her body and there’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Great.

Not to be outdone by Solisa, Stephy decides to belly up to the bar and take a shot off our bachelor. He looked EXTREMELY uncomfortable.

I think I’ll replay this episode at the Ray Family Christmas.

Brad finally finds some one-on-one time with his favorite audience, Katie Couric. He simply can’t NOT laugh and/or smile when he’s with her. They get caught up in a moment and start to make out. It wasn’t bad. I can concur that it was leaps and bounds better than the “other episode” we discussed early.

Meanwhile, back at the Bachelorette pad, Jade and Hillary “find” Katie Couric’s modeling book by jimmying the lock on her suitcase. They quickly spread the word that she is only there to advance her career.

RETURN OF THE HOT TUB! WHOOT!
Although we didn’t spend too much time in the hot tub, I’m quite sure that the ABC intern will provide many more steamy scenes for our viewing pleasure in the future. After toasting to life, love and happiness, Brad asks the group what the craziest thing they’ve ever done. Instead of answering the question, Lindsey tells all the crazy things she has NEVER done. One includes going skinny dipping.
Sister Solisa takes this opportunity to whip off her top and go bounding in the ocean. Bachelorettes gone WILD indeed!

Sadly, no one followed…not even Bradley. Kind of reminded me of the time Will Farrell enthusiastically encouraged the crowd to go streaking in the quad on Old School.

ROSE CEREMONY
First thing on agenda is to check up on Michelle. He’s worried she will feel bad that he’s kicking her off after falling down the stairs.

Bettina wants to have the BIG D conversation but chickens out. Instead she tells him that she can’t imagine anywhere else she’d rather be.

Mallory tells him that if they get together, she will require breakfast in bed and refuses to work for a living.

Katie Couric overhears Hillary and Jade tell the other girls about the modeling book they “happened” upon in Katie Couric’s suitcase. Katie Couric cries in the bathroom to a very bored looking DeAHnna. Her advice? Don’t trust anybody. But Katie Couric is a good person and needs other to accept her. She runs off to make friendship bracelets.

Jade (not a trash talker) advises the Bachelor that some people here want to further their career and to just be aware. She also throws in that she’s not going to flaunt her ta-ta’s...just for good measure.

I’m sure to no one’s surprise, Michelle, Erin and Mallory are out. I still have no clue who Sheena is.

But I’m super excited about next week! Brad activates his wonder twin power and talks Chad into visiting with the girls at the rose ceremony! Can. Not. Wait.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

For those of you who love Brad...

2007-10-01T09:42:00.000-05:00

My buddy Mike McGruff over at ABC 13 here in Houston sent me a link to their website that has an uncut version of their interview with Bachelor Brad. Enjoy!

http://abclocal.go.com/ktrk/story?section=local&id=5675137

Let's Vote!

2007-09-26T16:40:00.001-05:00

I decided to put my theory to the test. There is some debate on the message boards as to which celebrity "First Impression Rose" Jenni resembles. I say Katie Couric. Others say Molly Shannon and Jennifer Love Hewitt. You decide.

In the Name of Webbed Sweetness …Take Your Pants Off

2007-09-25T14:48:00.000-05:00

956 roses
620 limos
355 crying ladies
19 crying men
167 hot tubs
35 million in diamonds
719 kisses (only QB Palmer and Firestone were good)
2 gun-toting Dads
8 proposals
One marriage
One baby
And a partridge in a pear tree

Interesting opener ABC, but let me clue you in: We prefer to gawk at the HOT guy that is this season’s Bachelor. Your little opening montage, although creative, took two minutes out of my watching pleasure. Give me the promo you guys have been pimping on your website. Now THAT is a way to start the show. If you haven’t seen it, I suggest you click here http://thebachelorrecaps.blogspot.com/2007/09/oh-my.html

Ladies…and a few of you men…is he not precious? That’s how we grow them here in TEXAS.

And did anyone catch Our Host Chris Harrison’s tag line: “Welcome back to The Bachelor: America’s favorite relationship show!”

Oh…we’re taking that one far my friend. You leave it to me.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

Status: Rose

Stephy
Georgia, Argentina and self-proclaimed citizen of the world. What?
Executive Assistant
Why you remember her: you don’t
Status: Rose

Hillary
Philadelphia
Nurse
Why you remember her: You laughed your butt off when the ABC intern encouraged her to go interrupt the Bachelor and tell about her broken nose. Little did she know that she would be trumped by BROKEN FACE GIRL! SNAP!
Status: Rose

Natalie
TEXAS
Law student
Why you remember her: I literally have no idea who this is.
Status: No rose

Michelle
New Jersey
Realtor
Why you remember her: In my notes, I have red dress written down. Seriously. Who are these people?
Status: Rose

Mallory
Hawaii
Nanny
Why you remember her: “You should take your pants off.” Aloha indeed Mallory.
Status: Rose

Melissa
New York
Event Planner
Why you remember her: She’s the gift that keeps on giving. Sweetness! Melissa gets a little tipsy and loses her boob. But then she finds it! Sweetness! She has trouble conveying her thoughts to the Bachelor and rambles about how the only thing she thought of when she saw him was sweetness. Just sweetness. Why he sent her home, we will never know.
Status: No rose

And there you have it ladies and gentleman. The best relationship show in America is going to have a phenomenal season according to the promo. Brad looks like he can pull off a decent kiss. The girls are going to be catty, which is always fun. But thanks to the ABC intern for making sure the old switcheroo is pulled with identical twin Chad. You deserve a raise for that one my friend. Sweetness!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

A Message from Chris Harrison

2007-09-24T13:45:00.000-05:00

Received this email from Chris Harrison:

"Brad is really good and reps Texas well. We'll both be stopping by Dancing with the Stars Monday night before the show to promote. Look forward to reading you blog on Tues... The best gift I could ever give you is a girl named Melissa.... enjoy!"

Isn't it just like our favorite host to provide us with such a wonderful morsel of information before we begin our journey together tonight?

SIX HOURS TO GO!

Let's See How I Do

2007-09-20T13:20:00.000-05:00

ABC has posted the photos and a tidbit of information about our girls. Based on their appearance, age and job description, I will now predict six women whom I feel will not get cut the first night. Again...this is strictly superficial using the knowledge I've gained watching this blessed show for eleven seasons.

Here we go!
Bettina

Realtor

California

Pro: looks like the girl-next-door

DeAnna

Realtor

Georgia

Pro: from the South

Hillary

Nurse

Pennsylvania

Pro: looks sweet and saves the world

Con: not from the South

Sarah

Bar Manager

Illinois

Pro: Has the bar thing going for her

Con: Merely a fetus

Solisa

Esthetician

TEXAS

Pro: TEXAS

Con: Brad will feel intimidated that he doesn't know what an esthetician is and has to Google it

Tauni

ER Nurse

Minnesota

Pro: in her 30s

Con: in her 30s

Oh my...

2007-09-19T16:21:00.001-05:00

It's going to be a good season!

My Initial Thoughts

2007-08-15T13:50:00.000-05:00

When I read ABC’s announcement of the next Bachelor, I was excited to hear the details of the lucky man’s life. Several points stood out to me as I read the release:

“Not born with a silver spoon in his mouth...”
The release was a little over 400 words with the following characteristics in practically every sentence: sincere, self-made man, successful, self-made entrepreneur, determined, committed, works diligently, booming business career, good work ethic, provider, strong values, appreciative of what he has accomplished on his own.
I think he wants us to know that he didn’t come from money.

“May be the series’ hottest guy yet.”
Naturally, I will have to judge this statement based on the few pictures I’ve seen on the Interweb. His eyes are gorgeous. Love the smile. I seem to continue to notice his neck. The body does have potential. Of course, one can’t really tell how hot a guy is until he takes his shirt off. It’s scientific fact. Everyone knows this.

“He’s the Bachelor’s own McSteamy.”

Seriously ABC? You’re going to go there? Seriously?

“Currently residing in Austin, Texas…”
Well there you have it. Best. Bachelor. Ever.

“…Livingston, Texas, where he went to high school.”
I’m detecting a “good ole’ boy” vibe. Probably baled hay and roped a few cows in his day. Probably why he is so tan. Love that.

“Co-owns four lucrative bars...”
Prediction 1: How many girls are going to ask him to make a drink?
Prediction 2: How many girls are going to try and impress by making him a drink?
Prediction 3: SHOOTERS! Last one standing wins one-on-one time!
Prediction 4: He falls for the girl who prefers an ice cold bottle of Corona and nurses it all night long while rolling her eyes at the girls with fruit in their drinks

“He got into bartending with his twin brother, Chad.”
Please. PLEASE ABC. I beg of you to pull the old switcheroo and have Chad go out as Brad so that he can help his brother make a more educated decision on which girl to choose. That is classic TV my friends. At the very least, have him come to the bar on SHOOTERS night and freak the drunken girls out with mind games. ABC intern…my pal, my compadre…you know you thought of this. Make it happen!

I have to admit. I’m excited. They caught me…hook, line and sinker. Anyone else ready for the ride?

Happy Days are Here Again!

2007-08-09T08:40:00.000-05:00

Below is a press release that was recently posted on the ABC Website. What are your initial thoughts? The highlights in red are those juicy details that stand out to me. A breakdown of the announcement will be provided in days to come with a more thorough analysis. You can learn a lot from a press release. I'm just saying...

ABC'S NEW BACHELOR IS A SINCERE, SEXY, SUCCESSFUL SELF-MADE MAN WHO MAY BE THE SERIES' HOTTEST GUY YET

The 11th Edition of ABC's Popular Romance Reality Series Will Premiere With a 90-Minute Special on Monday, September 24

Brad Womack, 34, is a successful, self-made entrepreneur. It doesn't hurt that his sexy good looks make him The Bachelor's own "McSteamy."

For all his hard-earned accomplishments, there is one thing missing from Brad's life: He is ready to find his soul mate, settle down and have the family life he has so long desired. But Brad's heart, determination and commitment have already given him a good head start. Currently residing in Austin, Texas, Brad co-owns four lucrative bars with his two brothers, Chad and Wesley, both of whom are married. With the success of these establishments, they are now looking to expand into other ventures and are in the early stages of developing a hotel.

Brad had an early plan to make his mark on the world and, at 19, left Texas State University (known then as Southwest Texas State) after one year of college to work in oil fields across the country to save up money. His eight-year odyssey took him all over Texas and then to Louisiana, North Dakota and California.

After working diligently in the oil fields, he got into bartending with his twin brother, Chad. After some eight months tending bar, he had enough money saved to finance the purchase of his first drinking establishment with his brothers in 2001, when he was just 28. Since then, their very successful business has exploded to where they've purchased a bar a year.

However Brad has had to overcome some obstacles on his way to his booming business career. Born in Atlanta, his family stayed there until he was 12 years old, and then the family moved to Livingston, Texas, where he went to high school. Growing up in a single-parent home, his challenging days as a youngster helped to instill in him a good work ethic, the importance of a stable family and the ability to be a good provider. Not born with a silver spoon in his mouth, he is appreciative of what he has accomplished on his own. These strong values, coupled with great looks and undeniable sex appeal, make him the perfect catch.

Brad is sincere about his search and optimistic that he will find the woman who could become his wife. Hosted by Chris Harrison, The Bachelor is produced by Next Entertainment in association with Warner Horizon Television. Mike Fleiss and Lisa Levenson are the executive producers. David Bohnert and Martin Hilton are the co-executive producers.

That's All She Wrote

2007-05-30T11:31:00.000-05:00

You guys are too sweet. Thanks for worrying about me. Lots of family/friend issues that popped up THE NIGHT I posted my Oklahoma blog. It's all under control now. But I do feel there is no good reason to post an After the Rose recap. I typically never do an after the rose because they are lame. Not to mention that it was so long ago.

There's only so much I can say about how cute Trista is pregnant and how hot Ryan still is. We can sit around and debate exactly how long is TOO LONG to be engaged and then discuss intervention techniques to use on Mary Mary and the fisherman. I could say that I held my breath every time Psycho Stephanie moved, hoping that the ladies wouldn't pop out to say hello. I could spend a good paragraph on how cute Chris Harrison is and how adorable he was holding his note cards with Lieutenant Andy Baldwin on the back. Or how he made Bevin almost cry asking her "Don't you wonder what was wrong with YOU" when she sported her jailhouse dress and pink cast with diamonds. Or how he told Andy, "I can't believe you picked the girl with the muffin joke!" Classic Bachelor is what I would say. We could compare notes on the times that I got mad at the good doctor for, I don't know, grabbing Bev's knee--twice--and telling her that she will always hold a piece of his heart. I would ask you if you saw the chick crying in the studio audience and wonder aloud if she was related to the American Idol chick crying in their studio audience.

But there is no time for that. So I've decided to end the Bachelor season with a list of things I'm going to do until we meet again this fall. Prepare yourself for a complete smorgasbord of random nothingness. This is the true beauty that is Lincee. I present it to you now!

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: I've seen it. I love Captain Jack and the monkey. The movie? About an hour and a half too long. On the bright side...Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom for almost three hours. Hmmm. Tricky. Very tricky.

Saw SpiderMan 3. I'm sorry if you are a Tobey fan, but he can't pull off the scary black Spidey suit. I'm just saying.

So You Think You Can Dance: Favorite summer TV show.

Order of Phoenix: You know you think Harry Potter is cute too. Let's form a support group.

Hand & Foot Extravaganza: THE best card game in the world.

What Goes Around: Determined to get the catchy Justin Timberlake song OUT of my head.

Going to read three books by the time we meet again. Of course, the final Harry Potter will be one for sure. I'll be the dork with all the other 12-year-olds at Barnes and Noble around midnight to pick up my copy. "Calm My Anxious Heart" for Bible study. And one chick lit novel that I've been told is pretty good..."Time Travler's Wife."

Mimi turns 92! I wish you were all lucky enough to know my crazy grandmother.

10 pounds: The amount of weight I will lose before the baby shower I'm attending for a high school friend. Going to see six girls that I haven't seen in about three years. Luckily, most of them will be big and pregnant and I can look fabulous and single from the big city! And then I'll cry in my glass plate of dainty fruits, crackers and pink sugary dinner mints. Fun times!

www.ihategreenbeans.com: Launch of my new blogsite...coming soon!

Thanks for the well wishes truely. It's been a crazy week and I thank you for your concern. Until we meet this fall...make sure to check the other blogsite for my random nothingness!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

I have some thoughts...

2007-05-24T00:12:00.001-05:00

I'm in Oklahoma with work in a small town that nobody from home has ever heard of. I have some thoughts on last night's After the Rose and a few answers for the wonderfully awesome folks who post on the message board. Check back tomorrow night for my final post of the season!

Andy Loves the Women!

2007-05-22T11:29:00.000-05:00

Writing recaps for the season finale is always so depressing. It’s so…final.

I’d rather be writing about other important things going on in my life.

For instance:

- Are you buying the George and Izzie attraction?
- Are we pumped that Jim asked Pam on their first real date?
- Where is Pocola, Arkansas, and why do I have to go there this week?
- Will you be tuning in to “So You Think You Can Dance” on Thursday night?
- Pirates 3…opening weekend…Johnny Depp…hot…I’m there
- Is it wrong that I think Harry Potter is cute?
- Are you stocking up on Spring Oreos because the next holiday is Halloween?
- “Lost Without You” by Robin Thicke…playing on iTunes right now…swoon!

But alas. You are here to talk about Lieutenant Andy “I Tell Everyone I Love Them” Baldwin and how he picked Tessa to be his military wife in Hawaii.

Bachelor finales are always deflating to me. Especially when we know who he is going to pick. Two hours of Hawaiian landscape, boring family conversations and professions of love is a little much, don’t you agree? What am I supposed to write about? Nothing was funny…

Therefore, I feel a Top 14 list is only appropriate for my final thoughts on this amazing, wonderful, awesome show.

Eight years— The last time Andy brought someone home
Lincee: Great Gatsby? I’m just saying…

1987—The sister should re-think her earrings

Bevin Nicole: “I’m a clinical research coordinator working with Alzheimer’s patients, cognitive decline, menopause and sexual dysfunction.”

Grandfather: “He likes Bevin Nicole because SHE TURNS HIM ON! But is that what really counts?”
Grandmother: “SURE IT IS!”
Lincee: GO PAPAW and GRANNY! And we thought you guys would freak out at the B’Hai faith. What do we know!

Andy: “Marriage is a commitment. I have a huge decision to make and I don’t have any damn clarity. Freak it.”
Lincee: Please let the record show that I was SHOCKED by the damn. I can also confirm (because Meredith hit the closed captioned function on her TV) that Andy did indeed say freak. No f-bombs by the good doctor. Thank GOODNESS!

Chopperphobia—Fear of helicopters, often causing panic attacks and fit of nervous giggles
Good thing Dr. Baldwin is there to calm Bevin Nicole down with some breathing techniques he learned at the Karate Kid School of Medicine.

73—the number of times “Oh my God!” was uttered from Bevin Nicole

Bevin Nicole: “I wanted to give you a watch because you gave me your watch and you make time stand still and if you’re lost you can look and you will find me time after time.”

Bevin Nicole: “Lieutenant Andrew James Baldwin…I love you!”
Andrew James: “Are you serious?”
Bevin Nicole: “Yes.”
Andrew James: “I love you too Bevin.” (Decent kiss with serious head tilt)

Hold the phone. Back it up! Did Andrew James just tell Bevin Nicole that HE LOVES HER? (Rewind. Play) HE DID! HE SAID HE LOVED HER!

It is at this point that I feel played…yet secretly happy…that Andrew James might pick Bevin Nicole to be his lawfully wedded Navy wife.

Bevin Nicole: “There’s no chance in hell that he would leave me standing without a rose.”
Lincee: Annnnnnnnnd there it is. Nail in the coffin. She jinxed herself. Tess is back in the lead.

Riding a horse with flip flops? Just go barefoot dude.

Nothing says romance like frolicking in the ocean with your muscle man wearing a blue dinosaur floaty around his waist. I salute you ABC intern!

Tessa: “I got you a present. No silly…it’s not the cute yellow tote. It’s the photo collage inside with the five page letter I wrote you on the Turtle Bay note pad I found by the phone!”

Tessa: “I can’t pretend that I’m not in love with you. I want to stay tomorrow. I love you.”
Andy: “I love you too Tessa.”

Wrong. It’s just wrong. You don’t tell two people that you love them. Not when they are staying in the same resort and one will be proposed to tomorrow. Bad Navy doctor. BAD!

Final Rose

It was no surprise that Lieutenant Andy Baldwin picked Tessa. She was everything he ever wanted in a wife, excluding the electricity part.

I have no idea why Bevin Nicole did not see this coming. I mean, he greets her with a kiss when she approaches him, fixes her blowing hair behind her ear from the 90 mile/hour Oahu wind, babbles on about how much of a connection they have and how she means the world to him.

Andrew James: “This is not a rejection. I’m just not picking you. You didn’t win. You are just eliminated. Silver medal. Second place. Just shy of number one. It’s no big deal. I know you said you loved me. I know I said it back. But love is a many splendor thing. It lifts us up where we belong. See those eagles flying? That’s you and me kid…on a mountain high. But I’m going to climb down off this mountain and go be sophisticated and versatile with Tess. This is not a rejection. Is there anything you want to say?”

Insert Jim Halpert face from Bevin Nicole. Whoo hoo!

He grabs for her hand and walks toward the limo. We all hold our breath, wondering if she is going to fling herself off the balcony in utter despair. But she doesn’t.

The ABC Psychotherapist is upset that Bevin Nicole is not giving us the drama we so desperately needed during May sweeps. The best she can get is a few sobs into the pink cocktail napkin she fingered from the limo bar. That’s about it.

Bless Bevin Nicole’s heart.

Cut to Andy crying in the makeshift bureau room. He’s upset because he has so much respect for Bevin Nicole. Can he love Tessa’s versatility the way he loves Bevin Nicole’s electricity?

He’s going to try. He gets down on one knee and asks Tess to marry him, holding out the classic round cut diamond he chose from the special box. She says yes. They twirl, hoop and holler. He gives her the rose and his dog tags.

Cue the music. End of the show montage with familiar background soundtrack.

Will they last? Does Tess owe ABC a billion dollars for spilling the beans to the Page Six secret spy? Will Andy ever feel electric current from Tessa? Is she going to be ticked off that he told Bev he loved her too?

We may find these details out TONIGHT on After the Final Rose!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

The Final Rose

2007-05-21T09:28:00.000-05:00

Just a reminder that The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman will bestow his final rose tonight at 8:00 CST. It's a two hour season finale!

After the Rose will air tomorrow night at 7:00 CST.

If a shark attacks you...

2007-05-15T12:12:00.000-05:00

Tuesday night, 7:00 p.m. CST

THIS JUST IN...
I've just received an email from Our Host Chris Harrison confirming that ABC will INDEED air a Women Tell All episode next Tuesday after the final rose on Monday. Andy, the one he chooses, the one he doesn't and all the crazies will be there with bells on. It's going to be wonderfully amazing!

I’m not going to lie…I thought Bevin was done last night. But the ABC trickeration continues to get the best of me and I am proud to announce that I haven’t a clue which gal will become Mrs. Dr. Lieutenant Andy Baldwin!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Aloha-Oy
Unfortunately, Andy was unable to ship “his” DeLorean or “his” yacht to Hawaii. After a quick surf, he jumps in his Jeep Wrangler and heads down to the Pearl Harbor Memorial.

Bevin arrives in a cute red tube top. Andy feels an electromagnetic current literally go through his body as he places an Aloha lei around her neck. He takes her to gaze over the USS Arizona below the Memorial and shows her the oil coming up to the surface…the black tears of Pearl Harbor. They begin a serious conversation about what it takes to be a Navy wife when suddenly, Andy feels a jolt.

At first he is confused in thinking that the electricity he literally feels for Bev has literally shocked him. But then he notices the ABC intern jumping up and down waving his arms and remembers he was given a beeper to remind him that TIME IS UP! He takes Bev by the arm. She gets the wrong idea and wraps her legs around his waist. He promises that he will see her soon. The ABC intern starts to hyperventilate because Bevin is about to ruin everything and his only job was to get her away from Andy after 22 minutes. He shoves her in the limo, runs back to Andy handing him a fresh flower lei, adjusts his hat, spit shines his shoes and performs a quick once over with a lint brush just as Danielle’s limo pulls up.

SO CLOSE INTERN!

We learn that Dani’s grandmother was a nurse during Pearl Harbor. In a salute to Grandma, Dani is wearing a vintage blue and white dress from the 40s, complete with matching pearls and hair style. No earrings though, because people in the 40s didn’t have their ears pierced. They gaze over the USS Arizona and notice the black tears….again. Andy is in the middle of a monotone soliloquy about peace, hope, strength and leis when he feels another jolt. Remembering that it is only Bevin who provides literal voltage to his loins, he cuts the speech short, delivers Dani to the intern, returns to his post at the Pearl Harbor Memorial entrance, receives his third fresh flower lei and ponders what to say to Tess because the speech Chris Harrison wrote out for him is getting kind of old.

Tess arrives. Peace, strength, hope, black tears, yadda, yadda, yadda. He takes her to the edge of the Memorial and suggests that they toss their flowers over the edge in memory of those who lost their lives at Pearl Harbor. Very sweet.

Enter random, faceless redhead little girl.

Andy offers some of his lei petals. She throws them overboard with reckless abandon. We hear a voiceover of Andy saying this is like foreshadowing of his wife with their little girl one day.

I couldn’t help but feel a little sad for Andy. If I had a hat, I’d tip it to you just as you saluted the USS Arizona when you left for your first fantasy date in Hawaii.

Date One
Tessa

Which of these words was NOT used in describing Tessa during the zip line date?
A. Wonderful
B. Amazing
C. Tomboy
D. Hot

What activity was used as a metaphor for relationships?
A. Shaky bridge
B. Hawaiian happy hour
C. Rock/Paper/Scissors
D. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, screaming, “I THINK TESSA IS WONDERFUL” as he zips through the canopy

How did YOU react when the triathlete imitated, what can only be described as a flailing guppy gasping for air (thanks Jill), when Tess asks what HE would do if attacked by a shark?
A. Stare blankly at the TV screen in awe and wonder
B. Lowly murmur to yourself, “noooooooooooooo”
C. Hide behind the sofa cushion in sheer embarrassment for the Lieutenant
D. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play. Pause. Rewind. Play.

If attacked by a shark, would you…
A. Take Andy’s advice and imitate a goldfish
B. Take Tess’ initial advice and punch the shark in the nose
C. Take Tess’ rocket science advice and swim the other way
D. Give the hang loose sign that Andy taught you and enjoy the ride

The MOST random thought that went through your head as Tess and Andy sat on the hammock at the beach
A. Why is he wearing a John Travolta outfit circa Saturday Night Fever?
B. Kudos to the ABC intern for making the sushi in the shape of a rose
C. Why the heck is he tapping all over her shoulders and chest?
D. Seriously? The chest tapping is still going on? Are they drunk?

True or False
The chachiest moment in the Forgo Suite is when Tess and Andy share a romantic rose petal/champagne bath in their bathing suits.

True or False
Andy didn’t have on a bathing suit in the tub.

Date Two
Dani

What animal was Danielle most excited about seeing on the boat
A. Dolphins
B. Whale
C. Andy
D. None of the above. Dani doesn’t get excited.

True or False
Dani held her boobs as she jumped in the ocean after Andy.

The soft core porn montage of Andy and Danielle grinding under water lasted
A. 3 minutes
B. 2 minutes
C. 1 minutes
D. 6 minutes if you watched it twice like I did

Underwater kissing scenes for TV
A. GREAT IDEA
B. To be avoided at all costs. It’s just not pretty.

True or False
Andy jinxed Danielle’s future by arranging for a fortune teller to visit with them at dinner.

Date Three
Bevin

What was your initial reaction of Bev and Andy’s date?
A. Nice shot of Bev’s crotch as she boards the kayak ABC cameraman.
B. Haven’t they already kayaked once together?
C. Why are they kayaking in four inches of water?
D. What dirty…dirty water.

What was your favorite part of the waterfall scene?
A. Candid shot of Bev’s stripper tat
B. Bev’s ill fitting bathing suit bottoms
C. Bev’s lack of ability to come up out of the water like a girl in order to ensure a smooth head of wet hair versus messed up boy hair
D. Secretly thinking that it would be wonderfully amazing if the good doctor got a penis fish!

What really went on behind the waterfall?
A. First base current
B. Second base electricity
C. Third base voltage
D. Electrocution

The following made me giggle at the luau
A. Andy’s straw in his coconut drink
B. Andy shaking his groove thing with the Hawaiian girls
C. Seeing under the fire twirler man’s skirt
D. Andy saying that he and Bevin had amazing chemistry that was hot

Before the rose ceremony, Andy confesses to the camera that he is confused. And when his big brain can’t handle any more stress, he and his muscles go jogging. His poor eight pack is worn out! But even this doesn’t help!

So he calls his friend Great Gatsby, fellow triathlete, to come help make heads or tails of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

Great Gatsby wants to know about the girls.

Tess is light-hearted, playful and smart.
Dani is solid and nurturing.
I have an electric chemistry current with Bevin, but she’s liberal.

The Great Gatsby, sensing a crisis, helps his friend, the only way he knows how.

“Who would you like to see at the end of the finish line at a triathlon?”

Yes. That is the true question.

He envisions Tessa with the random, faceless little redhead girl running to greet him at the finish line with open light-hearted arms and a sweet peck kiss.

He envisions Dani with a strong confident stride, embracing his waist with a look of peace and hope as she turns to wave to the cheering crowd.

He envisions Bev behind closed doors for a celebratory romp in the sack afterwards.

Rose Ceremony
To my surprise, Danielle is sent home. I admit. I was tricked! I bought the drama. CURSES TO THE EVIL EDITORS OF ABC!!!

Next week, we meet Andy’s Pennsylvania family. Both girls proclaim their love for our dear Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

If our conservative Andy picks liberal Bevin, I will be very surprised.

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter

2007-05-08T13:00:00.000-05:00

So there I was in full RICE mode (rest, ice, compression, elevation) with the knee, laid up on the couch, computer on my lap, not paying attention to the show, wondering what a hometown date with my family would be like.

Modeling last night’s hometown dates, I figure it would look a little something like this:

Hometown Date
Lincee
Hallsville, Texas

I would need a picturesque background for me to stand in front of as I gush about how I’m so excited for the Lieutenant to meet my family. Of course the Hallsville water tower wouldn’t do since there is not a big lawn or driveway nearby so that we could run to meet each other in a powerful embrace.

Tricky. Very tricky. Something that screams Hallsville and has a ton of grass…

Hello Bobcat stadium!

It actually works out perfect because my knee is hurt. And the knee’s first injury happened right there on the 50-yard-line while I was doing a cartwheel off of a fence to the tune of “Wild, Wild West” during Homecoming halftime in 1994. Circle of life people…

I would be in the stands overlooking the field. A black Tahoe would pull up at the opposite end. Andy would jump out and start running towards me. I’d yell, “You’re hhhhheeeeeeeeeeeerrrrreeeeeee!” and he’d yell, “Oh MY GOSH” and hug me.

I’d show him all the hot spots of town. You’ve got your Dairy Queen. There’s the red light. The bank. I’d tell him about the time that I worked there as a teller and closed the blinds in my office because the sun was in my eyes, not knowing that was a sign to the police that there was a robbery going on inside and how they showed up asking the guy (who didn’t exist) to come out with his hands up. He’d laugh.

We’d go to my parent’s house. Mom would be waiting for us on the porch. Dogs would bark. Daddy would be either on the lawn mower, tractor or burning something. Mom would usher us in and thank Andy for bringing her coffee from Hawaii. She’d tell me to get on the golf cart and go flag Daddy down by the pond to tell him we were ready to eat. Mom would stay with Andy and talk about Hawaii. She’d tell him all about the time she visited in 1981 and wonder aloud if he had ever seen Blue Hawaii. Meanwhile, I’d go fetch Daddy, beg him to put on a shirt and remember to wash his hands before meeting the man of my dreams. Daddy would cock his eyebrow at me and say he would be in after he finished.

Mom would prepare the kitchen table with food from my Dad’s restaurant. Catfish Express. Andy would talk about how much he loved catfish. I would tell him I wish my Dad owned a pizza joint because I pretty much stay away from anything with gills and everything that is in the crustaceous family. Mom would tell him that the secret of a good cole slaw is how much sugar you add. I would make a gagging noise as I fixed myself a peanut butter and jelly sandwich.

My sister Jamie would then burst through the back door. My Mom would cry because she recently dyed her hair red. She would tell Andy how jealous we are of Jamie’s “wonder hair” and that she hopes she hasn’t ruined her beautiful blonde locks with that wretched dye and curses the hairdresser under her breath. Jamie would roll her eyes at Mom, plop down beside Andy and start giving him the third degree. She’s very protective.

She’d quiz him on important facts. What’s your favorite John Hughes movie? What music do you listen to? Can you believe I’m the OLDER sister even though I look younger?

Daddy would come in with the dogs, and grunt a hello at Andy. Mom would feed the dogs a weenie from the refrigerator because we are out of dog food. Then we’d all sit down and have a nice meal.

Mom: “Isn’t it sad that Don Ho died?”
Andy: “You have a wonderful, wonderful daughter.”
Jamie: “Quick…who would you rather date? Molly Ringwald from Pretty in Pink or Sixteen Candles?”
Andy: “I’m just wondering if Lincee is really in this for the right reasons.”
Daddy: Evil stare.
Andy: “This fish is awesome. Really awesome.”

After dinner, we’d make out in the driveway. I’d offer him some pointers on his kissing technique. Then I would tell the ABC psychotherapist that I felt a connection and I can’t wait to see him again.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

7. Andy does not like this answer. He tells the camera that he knows three other women are in this game for HIM. There is no chasing when it comes to Bev, Amber and Dani.
8. Andy confronts Tess. “Why are you in this?” Tess: “I want to see where this is growing.” (Not going, but growing.) Andy: “What do you want?” (Getting very aggressive now.) Tess: “I want to fall in love with you.” Andy: “SO TELL ME THAT! BECAUSE I WANT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU TOO!”

Is Tess digging herself a hole because she is playing TOO hard to get?

Top Ten Hometown Moments
Amber

1. Poor Andy doesn’t have a chance to meet-n-greet Amber his traditional way because she jumps his bones the minute he steps out of the Tahoe in Sugar Land.
2. Andy is stoked to see Amber’s classroom. He sits in a little person chair, pretends to be a 4th-grader and asks Amber for a kiss. She gives him a peck and then tells the camera that she wouldn’t normally do that to her students. Good to know Amber.
3. Her kids come in to meet her. She cries. One student asks if Andy likes her teacher. He said that her teacher is very cute. They met on a special mission (What the crap?) and he saw her in a nice house…thought she was pretty (huh?) and they started talking. She invited him to meet her students. Was that necessary Lieutenant?
4. Amber asks if he knows sign language. He gives the hang loose sign and tells everyone how to say Aloha! He’s very pleased that he has educated America’s youth.
5. We find out that Amber’s parents don’t approve of her going on the show so he will not be meeting them. Her aunt MAY come, but after a very emotional phone call, LOTS OF EYE ROLLING and a consoling hug from Andy, she gets over the fact that she will not be joining them.
6. Amber then tells the audience that she is excited for Andy to meet her puppy and roommate. In that order. The puppy must like Andy or this relationship will not work.

Are you kidding me Amber? Did you, the MOST MATURE 23-year-old on the planet, just tell us that your dog has to like the guy before you date? It’s THAT important that Pasha, who pees all over your carpet on national TV, approves?

7. We meet Amber’s roommate. She’s young and hip and cute and 23. She doesn’t quite get the concept of being in the Navy and being a doctor at the same time. Andy does his best to explain, then looks to Amber for some help. She takes a sip of her Zima and tells her roommate, “See! I told you he was pretty much really cool.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

8. As Andy tells us that the seven year gap concerns him, as well as the fact that he felt he was just thrown into a college sorority party, the aunt shows up to save the day. More crying! Yes!
9. I don’t know what all happened after this because it is when I was daydreaming about my fake hometown date.
10. I did see that he didn’t give Amber a passionate kiss. He went back to the pecking days of Old School Andy. Note to self…he never said she was wonderful, wonderful or amazing, amazing. Ah-ha!

Rose Ceremony
Andy pants into his microphone as if he’d been doing pushups in the bureau room just minutes before coming out with Our Host Chris Harrison. He tells the women that he should be true to his heart and that all he wants is love.

Roses go to Tess, Bev and Dani. No surprise there. Did anyone else hear him tell Dani that she smelled good when he gave her the rose? I’m telling you…this girl might be in the bottom two.

Poor Amber looks like she is about to hurl as he takes her hand out to the lonely bench away from the other girls. She doesn’t understand. She had the most AMAZING DAY OF HER LIFE! She wants to know why? WHY?

Andy: “You are quite a bit younger than me.”
Amber: “You said age didn’t matter in the hot tub. And I am young by AGE. But am VERY MATURE FOR MY AGE! I thought we had a connection!”
Andy: “It breaks my heart.”
Amber: “Is it because you didn’t meet my family?”
Andy: “No! Absolutely not! It was your dog. He told me he didn’t like me. I know how you feel about approval from Pasha.”

Amber rolls her eyes in the very back of her head so that the whites of her eyes show. There is snot and tears as she clings to the Bachelor: Officer and Gentleman. She starts wailing even before he closes the door of the limo. She doesn’t understand she tells the camera again. Why did she get cut?

Probably because you use the term “getting cut” like you are going through Rush at Baylor University and you just got black balled from the Kappas. I’m just saying…

Then she drops the F-Bomb. That’s always refreshing.

Andy tells the camera that the three remaining women are solid and he knows he made the right choice.

I would not categorize Bevin as solid. More like emotional. At least we now know it’s genetic.

Tess is in choppy water. She better partake of the forgo card or she’ll be out.

Dani is the one to watch. I’m thinking some serious ABC editing is going on.

Until next week!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

CONFIRMED!

2007-05-07T10:11:00.000-05:00

I have just confirmed with our host Chris Harrison that the rumors are indeed true. There will NOT be a Women Tell All episode airing before or after the final rose ceremony, due to timing, scheduling and May sweeps.

I hate that we will miss out on our host’s comedic timing with zingy one-liners and gag reel contributions. What I would give to see Psycho Stephanie and her boobs squirm in the hot seat. Or for Chris to offer Nicole $20 to yell, "PUNKY POWER" to the top of her lungs. Are the twins still BFF? Does Amber feel guilty that her principal stepped down as a result of her participation in the show? Would Bevin have worn Spanx? Was Tina going to treat the audience to a spiritual rendition of “You’re a Grand Old Flag?”

The world will never know.

You got a little something in your teeth...

2007-05-01T17:31:00.000-05:00

It’s been a long couple of weeks for our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman and his band of lovely ladies. ABC decides to take some pressure off by not having Andy hand out any roses during this week’s dates. There will be a big group date, one little group date and two solo dates.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER
The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

BIG GROUP DATE
What better way to start off a day of fun in the sun on the lieutenant’s yacht, than by partaking in some early morning calisthenics on the deck! We see Andy doing some push ups on the ladder handles. And stretching. Lots of stretching. Luckily the ABC intern read my recap last week and took it upon himself to make the good doctor look good on national TV and handed him a beer before the limo of ladies arrived at his dock. In a bottle. No straw. Nice.

The girls are super psyched about sailing on Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht. Steph talks about the air and the smells. Bev screeches like a four-year-old girl when she spots the seals on a buoy. Dani marvels at a flock of sea gulls. Tess rambles on about her pet peeve of thin socks on carpet. Amber hates clapping in movie theaters. And Tina picks cilantro out of our boy’s teeth. With her fingernail. In the middle of a conversation with Tess and Amber. Fingernail. Picking. Teeth. Cilantro. Crazy.

Classic Quote of the Night #1
Amber: “Tina just does things…that some of us…wouldn’t do.”

You think?

Andy escapes the brunettes and heads over to the blond table. Steph and Dani are smiling blankly. They have both admitted they are afraid Bev is going to steal the Bachelor: O&G away on this date. It is supposed to be a group. She is not following the rules.

This is the part where I wonder if they knew what they were signing up for.

Bev doesn’t disappoint. She tells Andy that she has been eyeing the two kayaks on the yacht since she boarded and would love to go try them out with Andy. Being the triathlete that he is, our boy is up for the task.

Dani and Steph sit and smile.

Andy straps Bev into her life vest. He claims that she needs the vest in case he tips the kayak over.

Classic Quote of the Night #2
Bev: “Don’t worry. I’m not afraid of drownding. As long as you give me mouth-to-mouth.”

Drownding. Ding. Drownding. Bless her heart.

They kayak around in the ocean. She leans over onto his kayak for a hug. She deliberately falls out of her kayak so that he can save her with some mouth-to-mouth action. They return to Andy’s (ABC’s) yacht dripping wet. She barricades him against the back of the yacht and proceeds to straddle him in a make out session with the rest of the Blond Ambition tour eavesdropping from above.

They come up for air.

Everyone else is wrapped in their blankets. The Brunettes are asleep together in a pile. Too bad they missed the beautiful sunset on the way back.

STEPH ONE-ON-ONE
Andy wants Steph to show her true colors. He wants to have her explain why she is on the journey. So he takes her to a winery. They are going to make their own unique blend.

Classic Quote of the Night #3:
Andy: “You can take this to the next level and it can represent romance. A little bit of Andy. A little bit of Stephanie. It tastes beautiful. Like you.”

Unfortunately, the awkwardness did not end there. Wine guy said they had to make a label for their unique Stephandy blend. They are taken to a big blank canvas surrounded by paints and are told to create a masterpiece!

Flicking of paint here. Sloshing of pain there. The canvas comes off of the easel. Stephandy decides to use their hands instead of brushes.

And here is the moment. I just shivered thinking about it.

Our boy started out with a semi-decent idea of taking Steph’s hand, dripping in paint, into his own hand. I’m thinking yellow and blue make green perhaps? No no. Too elementary my dear friends. He slaps the hands together. Has a moment of brain freeze not knowing where to go from here. Being the patriotic Navy boy he is, he heads straight for the fall back…place your hand on your heart. And then they kiss.

What in the world? Not only was that lame, but now Steph has a huge hand print on her boob. And it’s not even Andy’s hand print to make the other girls jealous! I can see the poor ABC intern now…shaking his head in disappointment.

The wine guy takes a Polaroid of the canvas and tapes it to the Stephandy blend. They share the bottle with dinner. Andy hopes that Steph will take this time to really open up and prove that she wants to be here. Not so much.

Andy: “Tell me about your dreams.”
Steph: “I have many.”
Silence.
Andy: “When you get out of bed, what’s driving you?”
Steph: “I don’t know.”
Silence.
Andy: “Career wise, what are you looking forward to?”
Steph: “Hmmm. I don’t know.”
Lincee: Rolling her eyes.

Andy blames the fact that Steph knows nothing on her age. He is concerned that she doesn’t know what she wants in life.

Lincee thinks that Steph is done.

Meanwhile at the mansion, Amber wants to know why Bev is so upset. Bev explains in short sentences between bursts of tears that she has feelings for Andy. She doesn’t understand why she is in to a guy that likes 23-year-olds. Amber battles back saying that she raised her siblings and is a very mature 23-year-old. Bevin stomps her feel, tears up and screams at the top of her lungs that she is mature too and hurls herself out the back door to the veranda.

The ABC psychotherapist chases after her for a confessional. The emotions are flying. “The guy I’m dating is dating so many other women…it makes me feel desperate. At my age, I feel ridiculous. I feel like an idiot. The chances are it won’t be me. He has to come on my hometown date so I can tell him I’ve been divorced. There has been no time before now to do that. Sure I spent an entire afternoon with him at the hospital when I broke my ankle, and cried on his shoulder for 30 minutes in Tahoe about my ankle right before my super special time in his hotel room where he tried to run his fingers through my helmet hair and just kayaked with him by myself, but I have not had one-on-one time and it is unfair. I hate Tessa. WHY MEEEEEEEE???”

The ABC psychotherapist gives her Lexapro and sends her off to bed.

SMALL GROUP DATE
Amber
Tina
Bevin
Dani

The girls are going to renovate a playground at a school. Andy is going to take this time to see how the girls react to children and community involvement. Amber works on a hopscotch. Dani talks about wanting two kids while teaching Andy how to highlight painted roses. Tina talks about how she feels she is back in high school while living with the other girls. The lieutenant tells her that being cool is all about perspective. Lincee laughs. They work hard as a team and are excited to see the kids enjoy their project. Too bad little Judy got paint all over her shoes due to wet hopscotch and little Tommy crashed on his Big Wheel because of a misplaced bolt in the brake. Other than that…SUCCESS!

Dani is worried that Bev is going to take one-on-one time again. Amber wants Andy to meet her kids at her school in Texas. Tina is talking to the other “drummers with a different beat” kids telling them it doesn’t get better when they grow up. And Bev shows that she is not a complete moron when it comes to little people.

ONE-ON-ONE WITH TESS
Andy requested this date with Tessa. Why? Because of the chase. Andy tells the camera that he wants HER to know that HE’S the man for her.

Well played Tess.

He gives her two million dollars worth of diamonds for the night. Looks super cute with her tank top and jeans. Bev has a meltdown.

They run by Nicole Miller and try on ever dress in the store. I’m sure he’s bored as all get out. She finally decides on a red number. You know which song swells in the background. Andy says she’s sexy. They eat in a garden with the rain trickling in the background. They talk about snuggling in bed when it rains and how romantic the notion is. The conversation is easy and real. They both truly believe that this weird circumstance called The Bachelor just might work! Who cares about the nine other times before, 10 might just be the charm!

Tess decides to put herself out there since Andy is so open and honest. She confesses that it takes her longer to get comfortable and trust someone. For the first time, our Bachelor: O&G does not have a toothy grin, cocked eyebrow or furrowed brow. He’s actually nervous as to what Tess has to say.

He tells her his heart is full and asks twice where she came from. I don’t know what he meant by that, but I can report what I do know:

He kissed her. He kissed her good. Well, two good ones bookended between one of those tight lip pecks. But we’ll take it! WHOO HOO!

ROSE CEREMONY
Andy thinks Amber may be insecure and immature. She gives him a chocolate wrapper and he is better.

He loves Bev’s dress and tells her, after literally looking down her cleavage, that there is evident electricity between them

He has no affection with Tina and is not excited to meet her Mom or brother.

Tess thanks Andy for her date and in the middle of her soliloquy, he interrupts her with a kiss.

Dani wants him to know that she is in to him. He says he feels it. I’m going to have to take his word on this.

Our two insecure bachelorettes, Amber and Bev, sneak into the bureau room and cry about how they hate their bureau pictures. They can’t find our Host Chris to complain, so they leave post-it notes for him.

Andy gives Steph a second chance to prove she is worthy of playing this game. Again, she waves as it passes her by.

Classic Quote of the Night #4
Andy: “I’m a doctor. I’m a Navy Lieutenant. I’m an Iron Man. But this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.”

Please.

To no one’s surprise, the lieutenant chooses:
Tess
Bevin
Amber
Danielle

At this point in the game, I’m sure we are all thinking it is going to be Tess. ABC will have to really throw us some curve balls in the next few episodes to keep my interest. Home town dates always have potential with the introduction of new supporting casts…crazy Moms, weird siblings, protective Dads…it’s all good. And who can resist the Forgo Card dates?

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

I'm in oil and gas PR...does that make sense to you?

2007-05-01T11:50:00.000-05:00

Along with every other person who cares about the oil and gas industry, I am at the Offshore Technology Conference. I'm at the double-decker FMC Technology booth right now in an UPSTAIRS conference room writing this message. I thought I would have time to write the recap this morning, but opted for sleep instead. Your head gets tired when you talk about next generation sub-sea trees for eight hours straight. Oh...and have you heard about the new K-box that Canrig rolled out?

I'll stop bragging now.

Recap later tonight. At least it's not tomorrow. Hang in there with me!

He Feels Connected

2007-04-24T12:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I made it back in one piece. Quick shout out to all my rig peeps in the Rocky Mountains. Although my friends in North Dakota are just now discovering karaoke (which they pronounce Kah-roe-key) and I’m going to go out on a limb and say they have no clue that I write a blog…let alone what a blog is. But I love them anyway! Oh yah!

Another big shout out to Blair. She approached me at church on Sunday as we were leaving asking if I was “Lincee who writes the recap.” I was excited to talk to someone about the upcoming episode, but somehow we lost each other and nothing was mentioned more than a hello. Blair…find me on Sunday. We’ll discuss. I’ll meet you by the popcorn counter. (We meet in a movie theater. My church is so hip.)

Thanks to the well wishes for the ginormous knee issues I’m experiencing. I have the sweetest strangers posting on my site!

And finally, can someone please tell me why “Defying Gravity” from the hit Broadway musical Wicked will NOT stop playing in my head? Sure I have dreams of flying high above an audience, my face painted green, and screaming to the top of my lungs that no one will ever bring me down, but I had dreams of being a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader too. Look how that turned out.

The word you are looking for is…

Anyway…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

Amber had onions for dinner and is worried about her breath. Someone suggests she suck on a lemon. And she does it. What the crap Amber? Ever heard of toothpaste? Binaca? Orbitz gum?

Then there is the dilemma about what to wear. Jeans? Heels? Hat? Scarf? Too dressy? Too casual? Where are we going? Outside? Inside?

Hey Amber? It’s Lincee. Look. No one cares. Give it up.

Andy arrives and takes her to a cozy cabin. She spots the rose immediately and turns into annoying girl. They begin an awkward conversation about rumors and intensions and what people have been telling him. It’s all very cryptic, but the smile that is usually plastered on our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is mysteriously gone.

MAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAYMAYDAY!
The ship is sinking Amber! Take immediate action!

So they go to the hot tub so she can make him forget about the rumors. The talk about how romantic Lake Tahoe is and how romantic the hotel is and how romantic the hot tub is and how romantic the champagne is.

Andy gets this goofy grin on his face and says, “I know something that will make it even more romantic.”

I kid you not reader…my first thought was that Andy was going to fart in the hot tub. And I would have laughed my butt off. Literally. WHERE WERE YOU ABC INTERN! THAT WOULD HAVE GONE DOWN IN BACHELOR HISTORY!

Instead, he runs and gets the rose. And they kiss. Well. Sort of.

RANDOM SIDE TRACK NUMBER TWO
My dear friend Caroline called me this morning to chat about the show. We visited about the obvious things and then she gets quiet.

“What is it?” I ask cautiously.
“Lincee…do you think he is a good kisser?”

Sadly, I answer no. But I do believe there is potential.

The thing about this conversation is that Caroline’s sweet husband Michael even noticed the Lieutenant’s lack of lip action. When a guy is commenting on how the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman is falling short of our expectations in the makeout department, it might be time to take action.

This is two years in a row ABC. I know Andy is not as bad as Renzy, but seriously…maybe there should be a coach on site? The potential is there.

I’m just saying.

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY

Kate apologizes for her word vomit.
Psycho Steph thinks her dress is smoking hot.
Lincee thinks her boobs are fake.

Kate then throws Amber under the bus saying that she heard from
her best friend's sister's boyfriend's brother's girlfriend who heard from this guy who knows this kid who's going with the girl who saw Tina who said that Amber and Andy almost had s-e-x the other night and the relationship must be pretty serious. This makes Amber cry to Andy.

Kate then tells Bev that there are a couple of people who shouldn’t trust her.

Andy takes his drink with a straw out to the Pier One wicker patio furniture and has some alone time with Tess.

Tess: “Like a said before a thousand times…when I’m with you, I’m cool. But when I’m living with these psycho girls, it’s weird. For me it has to build. When I compare…I feel like I should leave.”

Andy: “Tessa…focus on this (points to heart) and forget the other girls. I know that we have a connection. Are you willing to get to know me more.”

Tess: “Just be open and honest. If you know what you want…I don’t want to get hurt.”

Why do I have the feeling that this chick is going to get hurt?

ROSE CEREMONY
Tessa
Bev: Carry it close, okay?
Dani
Tina
Stephanie Kansas

I have to say that Bob called it. He said early on that Psycho was out. I have to admit that I’m a little said that she’s gone. Kate too. There are only good girls left, so the next five weeks are going to be about hot tubs, sort of kissing and lots of zingy one-liners from our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman.

Is it bad that I’m already bored? I hope ABC proves me wrong…

Lots of love and prayers to our Virginia Tech friends.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

The Need for Speed

2007-04-17T21:21:00.000-05:00

I’m in Rock Springs, Wyoming tonight. My knee is swollen to the size of my thigh. My head is killing me and the bed at the Quality Inn is sub-standard.

But I’m here. I’m dedicated. I will press on through the pain and discomfort.

Before I jump in and discuss last night’s AWESOME episode, I thought I’d answer some of the questions from the message board:

Q: Are you writing a book?
A: Wouldn’t that be fun? I have no idea what I would write about though. I have decided to launch a website where I blog about the crazy things in my life at the conclusion of this season’s Bachelor. Stay tuned for details!

Q: Are you single? Will you marry me? (two separate entries)
A: I am single. However, while visiting an offshore rig in Mexico three weeks ago, a guy was introducing me to all of the crews as his wife. Not being fluent in Spanish, I had no idea he was doing this until I left the rig. I don’t think we got married while I was there…If you happen to visit Ciudad del Carmen in the near future, the rumor is that I’m married to Jose. Not sure of my last name, but we make a lovely couple!

Q: How many posts do you have?
A: I’m at 633,000 hits

On with the recap!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

BOOT CAMP BABY!
After our traditional opening montage by hour host Chris Harrison, the scene switches to a beautiful sunrise. Slowly, we hear birds chirping. Women sleeping. More birds chirping.

And we all know what is about to happen…

A loud, bossy man covered in camouflage screams to the top of his lungs:
“Let’s go! Let’s GO! LET’S GO!”

Girls begin to freak out. Kate tosses out a few curse words and complains about her hangover. Hef’s wife looks confused and is lost without her twin. And our host Chris Harrison is choking back a fit of the giggles as Mr. Clean on Crack beckons the girls downstairs.

Mr. Clean explains the girls will be going to boot camp to compete for a rose and the affection of the Lieutenant. I’m a bit nervous that the “fun” will begin right now, fully knowing that it would be the ABC intern’s idea to boot camp sans bras. Not the case.

But there are a ton of butt shots as the girls get ready.

The sergeant gives two of the girls a toothbrush and tells them to scrub the toilets. His motto? Life sucks and then you die.

The girls are ushered outside for some morning calisthenics. Sergeant is screaming for number 12…where is number 12? We see Punky putting lotion on in the bathroom. She is late!

1-2-3-4
I don’t know
But I’ve been told
5-6-7-8
I am going
To get the rose

They really just said that. Huh.

Knees up!
NO GIRL PUSH-UPS ALLOWED!
Erin is pissed because she just had to go on a date and exercise.
Kate is worried about grass stains.
Bevin is working hard. She wants the rose. She’s even yelling “SIR YES SIR” ever chance she gets. She is playing the part!

And then she trips on the tire course and falls to the ground grabbing her ankle.
At first, I’m thinking she is faking it. But when the ABC psychotherapist, cameraman and producer come running up to her, I’m thinking it is a bit serious.

Notice I didn’t mention the ABC intern. Do you know why? Because our crafty intern has run off to fetch the good doctor. Dr. Baldwin that is…

The producer is totally in on the gig. “Medic! We need a medic!”

And out of the blue, Dr. Baldwin comes running up the driveway. Rose in hand. I half expected it to be in his teeth!

“Are you the medic?” asks the Sergeant…
“I’m THE DOCTOR!” exclaims Andy!
“WHY DID THIS HAVE TO HAPPEN TO MEEEEEE!” whines Bevin.

I know it hurt. I know it was really broken or twisted, but this was a time for Bevin to suck it up and show some control. You don’t want the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to think you are weak, do you? He likes tough girls!

But apparently I’m way off, because the doctor gives the rose to the fallen soldier. Right before the ambulance picks her up to whisk them away to the hospital.

Back in the mansion…

Our host Chris Harrison explains that boot camp did not go as planned. I would give MONEY to see what they had in store for the girls. Instead, Chris tells the girls about the first group date:

Group Date One
Let’s Spend the Day Relaxing
Gymnast Stephanie
Punky Nicole
Amber
Tina
Stephanie

The Lieutenant likes girls who can get down and dirty. So he takes the gaggle of girls to a mud spa. It’s quite simple what you do at a mud spa…you smear mud on Baldwin’s hot twelve pack abs and chiseled shoulders.

Watch out for Psycho Steph though. She tells the group that she and Andy are waaaaay close and when they see each other in bathing suits, it’s over. The girls hate Psycho Stephanie. She is stealing all the attention.

Tina is not joining in the fun of the mud. She doesn’t want other girls to put hands over man she is marrying

The girls take turns knocking Psycho out of the way in the shower while rinsing the mud off of Andy. They change into matching robes, drink champagne and talk about what they’ve done in mud before and past relationships.

Our Bachelor is touchy-feely. Have you noticed this? He’s a hugger and a waist holder. He also tends to grab knees when sitting by our bachelorettes.

It’s time for the Lieutenant to pick someone for some special time and he chooses Gymnast Stephanie. YES! Psycho is ticked off!

The Lieutenant leads Steph to a double massage table. He leans his arm over to hold her hand. They talk about how they don’t know each other well and Steph is excited for him to get to know her better. So she straddles him and gives him a massage. Andy is pumped that he got a little TLC. Hey…whatever works.

Cut to the mansion…
Bevin is back. Huge black and blue ankle. Crutches. Diamond watch from Andy.

What the crap?

Group Date Two
I Feel the Need…
Kate
Dani
Hef’s Wife
Amanda

Of course, Andy shows up in a leather jacket and aviator glasses. He picks the girls up to go drive cars fast. He likes the danger. He likes women who take risks.

He takes each girl aside for some alone time.

Hef’s wife is nervous that our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman, thinks that she is prissy and worries that he hasn’t seen her true personality. They hang out at the car and she tells him that his is probably the SECOND best date idea. The first would be to shoot guns. Andy thinks that she may be a Barbie, but she can do some manly things.

Riiiiiiiiight.

He and Dani talk about faith, soul mates and defining moments in life. Poor Dani talks about her deceased boyfriend again. Very sad story of him passing away in the bed with her. She gets teary. Andy consoles.

Kate says SHUT UP about twelve times.

Amanda thinks she is going to do well because she used to go 120 miles per hour while trying to beat curfew when she was in high school. Yep. That’s the same.

Here are the rules: the time starts, drive around the cones…don’t hit them. Every cone hit—two second penalty.

Amanda is safe…she is a natural.
Dani lets loose.
Kate drives all over the cones. She scared the Be-Jesus out of Andy!
Hef’s wife can’t drive a stick shift. Car dies several times.

And because she tried so hard, she gets the special alone time in the Delorean.

This is why I love Andy Baldwin. He strait up tells us that he likes Hef’s wife…that she is beautiful, bleach blond, and he is attracted or sure. But he is cautious. He does not know that she feels the same.

And Hef’s wife brilliantly answers:
“What you see is definitely NOT what you get.”

What?!?!

Andy says that he is trying to make it as comfortable as possible for her and that he wants her to come out of her shell. He knows there is more than meets the eye, but he wants her to show him!

Two-on-Two Date
PAYTON
Tessa

The girls open their box and pull out t-shirts that say, “Future sailor’s wife.” Funny. According to your note, one stay and one will go. So that’s false advertising. PAYTON SHOULD SUE THE SHOW!

Tess has a great attitude. She tells the camera that tonight is about getting to know Andy better and figuring out if HE is the one for me. Great attitude!

The girls go to the USS Midway in San Diego.

My favorite quote of the night:
PAYTON: “Are we seriously going on that big ass boat?”

Nice.

Andy is in his element. He shows the girls around the boat. He is at home. He wants them to get a taste of what it is that he does.

PAYTON loves seeing him in his element. She loves that he is confident and comfortable.

Andy shows the girls the doctor’s office on the boat. He checks PAYTON’S heartbeat and tells her that the fuller is in some need of love.

Bucket. Where’s my bucket?

Andy asks the girls his favorite question…have you ever dated a doctor? Someone in the military? Here’s to firsts! And toast the champagne.

Cue the military drum cadence. Andy takes each girl for some alone time. PAYTON wants him to know that she is in this for real. She explains that it has JUST hit her…she’s crazy about him. She tells the camera she doesn’t want to leave with a broken heart.

Tessa makes a bold statement in her alone time.
“When I’m not with you, I question if I should be in this. And then when I see you, I know that it is right.”

The trio sits at a table and talk about how great the date has been. Then, a helicopter starts flying over them. It’s so close! It’s coming back!

I love the fact that Andy didn’t know about the helicopter. He soon figures out that it is time to send someone home. He runs to get the lone rose and returns to the girls in a death grip embrace with each other, cheek-t0-cheek, wrapped in their coordinating pashminas.

He tells PAYTON laid her heart on the line and that her convictions are true and amazing. And then gives Tess the rose.

It is then when I feel sorry for PAYTON. Not because she didn’t get the rose and started crying, but the fact that the intern made her stand on the flight deck as the helicopter flew around her with a spotlight. One would think that the girl going home would have been sent packing in the chopper. Not so.

To quote PAYTON…that just sucked.

The doctor trots off to be with Tessa on the helicopter. He is giving her all the signs of wanting to make out, but Tess is throwing up some walls. He gets an awkward kiss in the end.

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Side note: How do we feel about boys drinking out of straws?

Andy hates hurting people’s feelings. But this is business. His goal tonight is to evaluate the nine remaining women and to find his soul mate.

Amanda: She is full of stories, but she never tells the Lieutenant these stories. Andy says that he is constantly trying to engage her on a deeper level. Uh oh.

Kate has concerns? “Do you think I’m a wild sorority girl?”
He thinks she is outspoken and fun. NO says Kate. She is concerned about her business and family. She is a cool person. She is chill and relaxed.

Andy sits between the two Stephanies. They talk about how they are alike and different. Psycho takes over and pretty much slams the gymnast. This makes Andy wonder how sincere she is. YES!

Bev: Andy checks on his favorite patient. He pokes at her ankle and says he will need daily check-ups. Then they make out on the couch.

Random Tina wants to know the Lieutenant’s flaws. What in the world? He says that he is really hard on himself and too analytical.

THE BUREAU IS BACK!
Andy checks out the Pier One framed photos and worries to himself if he is sending the wrong girl home.

He gives roses to:
Amber
Dani
Gymnast Stephanie
Random Tina
Kate…SHUT UP
Punky Nicole
Psycho Stephanie

Luckily, Psycho showed up at the end. I was nervous we wouldn’t have anyone to hate!

Sorry for the delay. We should be back on target for the rest of the season.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

I'm in the Rocky Mountains

2007-04-15T21:51:00.000-05:00

Work has called me to the Rocky Mountains. For the next week, I'll be visiting Grand Junction, Colorado; Rock Springs, Wyoming; Dickinson, North Dakota and Billings, Montana. Oh Yah! Let's hope and pray that I have a good Bachelor watching experience. More than likely, the post will be late on Tuesday night. I have to get up at the crack of dawn in order to squish as many rig visits in to one day. But I promise I will write. Just don't expect it Tuesday morning. And while we are praying...let's hope that Dickinson, ND has Internet access in their hotels! Rocky Mountain high...over and out!

John Wayne and Tarzan All In One

2007-04-10T14:11:00.000-05:00

I’m going to go ahead and say it. I don’t hate Andy.

Sure he’s a little on the dorky side, but his chachiness is in check. My boy can flirt, dance and is not afraid to blatantly tell the camera that mechanical bulls excite him. He’s not playing it safe and he’s giving every girl a fair chance by getting to know them. In other words, he embraces his dorkiness with Officer and Gentlemanly charm and that my friends makes him borderline endearing. Welcome back Bachelor!

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Spring Oreos and Spaghetti O’s or have a spin instructor that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

I’d like to kick it old school and bring back a tradition that is near and dear to my heart.

For those of you who have been with me since Firestone, you know that I occasionally break out a Top 10 list of what went down during the previous night’s episode. It’s an easy way for me to include all those silly questions that pop in my head during our show without breaking the flow of the recap. Join me as I recall:

MY TOP TEN RANDOM THOUGHTS OF LAST NIGHT’S EPISODE
1. Who doesn’t love a good 10-minute opening montage narrated by our favorite host Chris Harrison? We learn…again…that Lieutenant Andy is looking for love.
2. Steph plans on getting a rose after rose until she gets a ring on the finger. I called it. Psycho tendencies.
3. Let’s talk about the car. Give me a break. I keep picturing Michael J. Fox’s head poking up in the back asking what year we are in.
4. Whoever said he looks like an old Bobby Brady is right!
5. Did anyone notice the bubbling, foaming cocktail drink during the bull “riding” escapade?
6. Nicole says AWESOME way too much.
7. I think the Lieutenant’s ribs are disproportioned.
8. How do we feel about unmatching bikinis?
9. Someone please mess up his hair.
10. NO WALKING! NO HOLDING HANDS!

THE RULES
Our Host Chris Harrison gathers the ladies together in their Hollywood Hills mansion to explain the rules of this game we call The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Since Steph was the lucky girl to win the first impression rose, she will be the first one-on-one date. Lieutenant Andy must choose after the date to give her a rose or send her home. The others will be split into two group dates. No roses will be handed out, but one girl will get super special one-on-one time with the lieutenant. She gets to stay with him while the other girls have to return to the house.

Group Date 1
Finding Love on the Sunset Strip
(While you are there, try to find Studio 60. I loved that show.)
Nicole
Tiffany
Alexis
Gymnast Stephanie
Bevin
Amanda
Tessa

In awe. In shock maybe? Unable to believe what was happening before my eyes? Begging myself to look away but fighting through the total embarrassment for the girls on the TV screen for the sake of this recap.

The mechanical bull. Oh the mechanical bull.

I’m from Texas. Lived here my whole life. I’ve seen lots of mechanical bulls. When you are born, you are issued a copy of Urban Cowboy. So I’ve seen Bud, Sissy and that convict guy who eats the worm from the tequila bottle on a mechanical bull LOADS of times.

But I’ve never seen a mechanical bull “do” what that mechanical bull did.

My conclusion?

The producers let the ABC intern be in charge of the mechanical bull. And this kid has a wicked sense of humor. Let’s make the bull vibrate and bounce before gyration. BRILLIANT!

Lieutenant Andy is pumped about seeing his dates on the mechanical bull. He wants a girl who is not afraid. He needs someone who can get dirty, act like a tomboy and break her nails.

Tessa fakes a leg injury and yelps for Andy to help her. He switches his Lieutenant hat for his doctor hat and comes to the rescue.

Gymnast Stephanie rode for eight seconds. Everyone fell off except her. The Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman says that she is UN-believable.

Lieutenant Andy tells the camera he wants to switch from rock-n-roll vibe (huh?) to glamour vibe. He has a surprise for the girls. A room full of clothes so they can be transformed into elegant ladies.

In another brilliant move, the ABC intern (we love him this year) decides to NOT put mirrors in the room full of elegant dresses for the elegant ladies. They have to rely on the other girls to tell them they look good. Nice.

The girls come out to the pool on the roof of some hotel (didn’t’ we do this last year?) and all comment on how this is like a scene from a movie.

Background music swells. You guessed it… “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong.”

Note to ABC: It’s already getting old people. Really old.

The lieutenant takes Nicole over to the other side of the pool. She can’t get over his chocolate and blueberry suite. I can’t get over that she called it chocolate and blueberry. She says she is nervous. He asks her to dance. And they salsa.

Note to male readers: Most girls love to dance. Learn a few basic steps and you are golden. Let’s keep the “white man overbite” and cheesy moves from the ‘80s to a minimum. Salsa is always good. Trust me. Just ask Roberto from Lifetime Fitness. I’m getting heat flashes…

We learn that Alexis was home schooled, has strong moral values, is very old fashioned and true to her roots. Unfortunately, Lieutenant Andy respects that and therefore, she will be sent home at the end of the night.

OUR FIRST HOT TUB SCENE
Finally. Back in the Firestone days, we had hot tubs every date. I think Andy is prepared to jump in to that method of thinking. You can learn a lot from a girl in a bikini. It’s scientific fact.

Andy is surrounded by seven women and loving life. All of a sudden, he realizes that he hasn’t had any one-0n-one time with Bevin. He asks her to join him in the pool. They hold hands and jump. Before they are even up for their first breath of air, Bev’s legs are wrapped around our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. It must have been the shallow end, because tri-athlete or not…dude would have drowned with her legs holding on so TIGHT.

Andy’s first Chach moment of the night: “Do you want to go under water?”
But then he redeems himself. He makes out with Bev under that water. You sly dog.

Back in the hot tub, the lieutenant says that he must pick one girl to stay while the others go home. He picks Tiffany.

Don’t bother looking her up on the ABC website right now. I don’t know who she is either. He picks her because she is quiet and he feels he didn’t get enough quality time with her. He wanted to give her the opportunity to shine.

And she took that opportunity and waved lazily as it passed her by.

It was awful. And awkward. And sad. Here’s a snippet into the night’s tantalizing conversation:

Tif: “Why did you choose me?”
O&G: “You have a lot of depth, but I haven’t seen your true colors.”
Translation: (Tif) “My boobs didn’t once jiggle on the bull. Why me?”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m giving you a chance to jiggle them now.”

O&G: “Have you ever dated a doctor?”
Tif: “A little.”
O&G: “Was it good?”
Tif: “Mmm-hmmm.”
O&G: “Ever dated anyone in the military?”
Tif: “Uhm…”
Translation: (O&G) “I’m the total package and need you to know that it doesn’t get any better than this.”

O&G: “Has anyone ever told you that you have the cutest dimples?”
Tif: “Uhm...”
O&G: “I’m glad you are here.”
Tif: “Thanks.”
Translation: “I’m glad you are here so I know I didn’t make a mistake sending you back to Boston tonight.”

Group Date 2
Let’s Get Physical!
Kate
Susan
Erin
Tina
Amber
Dani
PAYTAWN

Lieutenant Andy explains to the camera that he is a six time Iron Man and that athletics are a huge part of his life. He wants to see who freaks out when told that they have to participate and compete in a mini triathlon.

The girls arrive and make their way out to the pool. Lieutenant Andy exclaims, “OH MY GOODNESS” as they saunter through the double doors.

OH MY GOODNESS indeed. Clad in their powder blue terry cloth hot pants complete with tube socks pulled up to their knee caps, the girls awkwardly eye the pool. Some have gone as far to try and modernize their awkward apparel. There are head bands. Wrist bands. Off-the-shoulder t-shirts a-la Flashdance. What a feeling…

Lieutenant Andy encourages the girls to eat up because later they will want the extra energy. Great. Just what we need. A Bachelorette hurling her scrambled eggs and mimosa into the grass by the stationary bicycle. Can’t WAIT for that!

Almost immediately after they sit down, Tina asks our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman to escort her to the pier to take in the view. Kate thinks this makes her a hussy.

She’s no hussy Kate. Tina is smart.

Tina tells the camera that she is not that athletic and wants Andy to know her before judging her on her swimming, pedaling and running abilities. Brains. The girl has brains. They talk about doctor stuff, laughing at funny orthopedic happenings in their residencies and Tina knows…her strategy has worked and the pressure is off.

Susan (aka Heidi) is worried about the competition too, but it should be too bad since she walks her dog three times a week.

Or was it Erin?

Regardless, they look like identical twins and pretty much form an alliance. They will compete TOGETHER and hold hands the entire time. This way, they won’t mess their makeup or get their hair wet. Yeah!

THE COMPETITION
We begin in the water. Four laps.
Next, on the bike for two miles.
Finally, four laps around the pool.
First one to cross the finish line gets one-on-one time with the lieutenant.

Andy blows the whistle…AND THEY’RE OFF!
The girls look scared to death.
Heidi/Twin doesn’t think she should have to win a race to get a rose.
Other twin’s boobs are keeping her from swimming.
NO WALKING!
NO HOLDING HANDS!
LINCEE IS HYSTERICALLY LAUGHING!
Dani and Amber are running neck and neck!
ABC intern is pleased that he forgot to tell wardrobe to provide proper swimsuits for the triathlon.
AMBER WINS!

ALONE TIME WITH AMBER
The couple hits the beach. Lieutenant Andy’s testosterone pulls the pair to a jungle gym by the water and insists on testing Amber’s strength. They hang from a bar. They hang from gymnast rings. She thinks he is hot. He says he heard she can cook. She says yes. He says he is good at doing dishes. And then says “kewl” three times in a row for no reason. He’s diggin’ Amber. GO HOUSTON!

ONE-ON-ONE
Steph
Dine With Me on My Yacht

Steph gets her invitation in a big sea shell and talks about making out with the Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman. Everyone hates Steph. She stands in front of her mirror and tries on different dresses. She takes the hoochiest of them all and asks the girls opinion. Should she wear this to see Lieutenant Andy? She decides on something a little more appropriate for a yacht and bids the girls adieu saying that she is 95% sure she’ll be back with her rose.

She gets to the yacht. He says she looks amazing. They drink champagne and then someone hands Andy a note. It’s from the producers.

Dear Andy,

Looking fabulous kid. Fabulous.

Hey, we were wondering if you could re-enact that scene from Titanic where Leo and Kate are at the front of the boat pretending that they are flying? That would be great. We are trying to secure the rights from Paramount to show the blockbuster during sweeps in May. I’m sure they would LOVE this plug.

Oh…and please try to get in the hot tub later. We also feel the audience is ready for a real kiss, so if you could make that happen too…

Sincerely,
ABC Producers

Somewhere along the way, Play By the Vindictive Rules Stephanie decides to let her guard down and ask Lieutenant Andy what his idea wedding would be like.

What in the world?

He says that he wants it to be in Hawaii and for Elvis to be playing “Rock-A-Hula” in the background. (You would love that Mom!)

Feeling the pressure of losing him with that horrendous question, she decides to turn things back to basics. Hot tub time.

She arrives all wrapped up in her pashmina. She dramatically lets it fall to the floor, showing off her abs. And she’s got them!

Andy invites her to join him in the hot tub…warning her…that the water is HOT.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

He gives her a rose.
She kisses him.

Cut to Steph in the limo.

“I got the first impression rose. I got the first date. I got the first kiss. He’s AWESOME…I CAN’T WAIT TO SEE HIM AGAIN. HE’S INCREDIBLE.”

She returns to the mansion, finding three girls on the stairs and seven in the living room, waiting for her return. She tells them ALL about it. She lies and says she got a peck on the cheek. Some of the girls think she is not telling the truth. How do we know what these girls think? Because Steph is listening at the door. Which is what crazy people do.

I’m just saying…

BEFORE THE ROSE CEREMONY
Lieutenant Andy has to narrow the field down from fifteen to twelve. (Please tell me you watched the end of the show to see four of our girls trying to do math on this delicate topic. Absolutely CLASSIC!)

Tina thinks she is going home because she is too ambitious. She wants to know how Andy feels. He says that she is stunning. Her octave goes up twelve notches and thanks him in a baby voice. He thinks it is sexy to be confident.

Peyton defends her sorority. She wants him to know that they inspire and offer so much to our collegiate women. She wants to know what he is looking for in a woman. He thinks it is important to inspire.

His originality on that one was incredible.

Steph knows that Alexis is a virgin. She knows because she has been dumped by a virgin before. I don’t even know what to do with this statement.

The twins arrive holding hands…again…in red dresses. They sit on the couch, sharing a Cosmopolitan with two straws. Lieutenant Andy asks to sit between them. After much consideration that took WAY TOO LONG to decide, they allow him to separate the union. They talk about how proud they are of their accomplishments at the competition and that they have found their soul mate. Unfortunately for Lieutenant Andy, they are talking about each other.

Amber takes him away. He can’t wait to see her. She takes him upstairs to show the bedroom of all the packed suitcases. Our Bachelor: An Officer and a Gentleman gets a little choked up at this site. This is REAL people. Someone is going to get hurt!

“I’m a healer. The thought of instilling pain doesn’t go well with my heart and mind.”

Gag.

Tessa tells him she is training for triathlon and if this doesn’t work out, she’ll see him later. Then asks if he wants a foot massage. He says she has tiny toes and comments on his own feet…which were bare. I nearly sicked out. Dude needed to keep his socks on!

To make matters worse, Gymnast Stephanie comes in with a round of shots. And then make a toast… “To relaxed feet!”

What am I watching?

Andy moves on to Danielle. We haven’t heard much from her. She’s been having swimmer’s ear since the pool competition. He gives it a kiss and she feels all better. She tells him she is a graphic designer and all she needs is her computer to do her work. She could move ANYWHERE.

Bevin needs to push the ladies back in.

Nicole missed her moment to kiss Andy while dancing.

Tessa has a nervous breakdown.

We leave for commercial break. Our host Chris Harrison asks the audience, “Who will lose their Office and Gentleman forever? Find out after the break.”

I’m pretty sure a little part of me died on the inside when he said that. Vomit.

ROSE CEREMONY
Lieutenant Andy thanks the girls for taking this risk with him. If they don’t get a rose, it’s because there was no connection. He throws them a bone and says that someone is out there for each one.

Roses are given to:
Tessa
Dani
Bev…she doesn’t look 28…I’m just saying
Amber
Stephanie Rose
Stephanie Gymnast
Kate…Shut up! No you shut up. Really
Nicole
Tina
PAYTAWN
Amanda

Cut to the twins…
“I think we are both going home…” YES

And then he calls Hef’s wife Erin. DOH

Next week, we see mud baths, fast driving cars, boot camp and a medical emergency with an ambulance and everything. Sweet!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

It's coming...

2007-04-10T12:03:00.000-05:00

The bull. The mechanical bull. Seriously? Seriously...

An Officer and a Gentleman

2007-04-03T10:44:00.000-05:00

It’s good to be back my friends.

I’d like to thank ABC for welcoming us with wide open arms last night for one of the most entertaining episodes aired in a long, long time. It was like an old friend. I have to admit, there have been many anxious moments leading up to last night’s show, and our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) did not disappoint.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

We learn about Andy’s childhood in Amish country Pennsylvania. He didn’t have much growing up, but I did notice he had a Cabbage Patch Kid.

[The music crescendos with a stronger beat as pictures fly across the screen.]

He held three jobs as a child, was a swimmer, valedictorian of his class, landed an ROTC scholarship, graduated from Duke and finally…

(CUE TOP GUN MUSIC…YOU KNOW THE ONE I’M TALKING ABOUT)

He went to med school and became a lieutenant in the Navy!

He’s stationed in Hawaii and cares for 150 guys when not throwing flower leis over the edge of the railing at the USS Arizona.

[Music shifts to soft and seducing.]

You may think he has it all, but there is one piece of the puzzle missing. SOMEONE TO SHARE HIS AWESOMENESS WITH!

[Cue “Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong”…acoustic version]
Side note: Please let the record show that I called this. Thank you.

Oh…and he’s also a triathlon whose goals include shoot for the stars and go for your dreams. Not to mention it is his 30th birthday.

If that’s not an officer and a gentleman, I don’t know what is people.

Meet Our Bachelorettes
I have to admit that this batch of ladies pulled out all the stops to make a lasting impression on our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman.) I’ve decided to add another line to our Bachelorette cheat sheet of “Stupid Moment That I Used to Pull Focus…No Matter How Embarrassing I May Look on National TV” because those are the true gems that make these ladies memorable.

Alexis
Lawyer
26
Southlake, TX
Why you remember her: Tall. Brunette. Pretty eyes. First one out of the limo. She looks like a beauty queen.
Lasting Impression: Alexis is above such things and pretty much had no air time the entire night. ABC tried to trick us, but I knew from the minute she stepped out of the limo should would not be going anywhere.
Status: Rose

Amanda
Financial Analyst
26
Dallas
Why you remember her: She insisted on driving me nuts and calling our Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) Mr. Lieutenant as they lay on the random bed (don’t we love those!) outside looking at the stars
Lasting Impression: She climbed the Great Wall of China. Andy loves a woman who is up for an adventure!
Status: Rose

Amber
Teacher
23
Sugar Land, TX
Why you remember her: She is a teacher. Andy loves kids. He taught Sunday School. And all the girls said, “AWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW.”
Lasting Impression: “I’m from Sugar Land, so I’m obviously the sweetest one here!”
Lincee’s Impression: So sweet that I’m getting a stomach ache. Where’s my bucket?
Status: Rose

Bevin
Clinic Research Coordinator
28
Palo Alto, CA
Why you remember her: Bevin flashes the ABC camera man as she proudly shows off all the scars on her legs. Andy boldly proclaims, “THAT IS SO HOT!”
Lasting Impression: (As she steps out of the limo) “Where’s your uniform?” Andy: “Maybe I’ll show you later.” I wonder how many times he’s used THAT line before?
Lincee’s Impression: Come over to my house Andy…I’ll show you some REAL leg scars. (ACL Club holla if ya hear me!) Let the record show that I predict Bevin will go far.
Status: Rose

Blakeney
Radio Sales
29
Birmingham, AL
Why you remember her: “That (hiccup) Andy is as cute as (hiccup) a button!”
Lasting Impression: After she falls off her bar stool…never spilling her cocktail…Blakeney proceeds to get into a verbal argument with Lindsay. The ABC camera man literally pushes the ABC Intern out of the way and scolds him for trying to stop the cat fight before claws come out and hair is pulled.
Lincee’s Impression: I’m going to miss Blakeney. Please PLEASE tell me you saw her drunk rapping at the close of the show. It was blasphemous!
Status: No Rose

Candace
Waitress
23
Hilton Head Island, SC
Why you remember her: You remember her hair and wondered why she stood in a sauna before meeting the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman)
Status: No Rose

Catherine
Former Miss Illinois
23
Lake Forest, IL
Why you remember her: She wore flip flops with her evening gown
Lincee’s Impression: Seriously…Former Miss Illinois is your occupation? Seriously?
Status: No Rose

Danielle I
Graphic Designer
25
Bethel, CT
Why you remember her: Cute blond (aren’t they all?)
Lasting Impression: My girl Danielle figures she can make a lasting impression by talking about her boyfriend who passed away. Then she talks about the guy who did her wrong before that. Her point? Third time’s a charm!
Status: Rose

Danielle V
Lawyer
26
Bronx, NY
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Lasting Impression: “You are better looking in person than you are on the Internet.”
Lincee’s Impression: Insert Jim Halpert face here.
Status: No Rose

Erin
Financial Analyst
24
Dallas
Why you remember her: You Googled her to see if she was one of Hugh Hefner’s wives.
Status: Rose

Jackie
Executive Coordinator
23
Minneapolis, MN
Why you remember her: You don’t.
Lasting Impression: Jackie points to the rose and says, “What is that for?” Andy answers, “You’ll find out.” And then shoves her through the front door as he yells, “SUCKER!”
Lincee’s impression: Nice.
Status: No Rose

Jeanette
Health Care Manager
27
Tampa, FL
Why you remember her: She’s a tiny pocket person who has a French manicure and plays with her hair.
Status: No Rose

Jessica
Hedge Fund Analyst
32
New York, NY
Why you remember her: I literally have no idea who this person is.

Kate
Boutique Owner
Charleston, SC
Why you remember her: Kate wore a short black dress and for some reason, posed on the limo before making her way to the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) as she shouted, “I’m the one with the short dress!”
Lasting Impression: I’m reliving it in my brain right now and I can’t turn it off. My face is getting hot as I think about typing the words. Dear sweet Kate decided that she needed to take drastic measures and do something that Andy would never forget. She gets on the floor…lays on her stomach…and…wait for it…take a deep breathe…executes the centipede. That’s right. The centipede from any party from 1981-1987 and all wedding receptions around the nation. Could I make this stuff up?
Lincee’s Impression: Nonononononononononononononononono
Status: Rose

Linda
Lawyer
33
Cuyahoga Falls, OH
Why you remember her: Resident stalker that claims she is looking in a mirror when she sees Andy
Lasting Impression: Crazy challenged Andy to a pushup contest.
Status: No Rose

Lindsay
Student
22
Lawrence, KS
Why you remember her: How could you forget?
Lasting Impression: Picks a fight with Drunk Blake, calls first impression rose Stephanie heinous and storms out of the rose ceremony when she didn’t get picked.
Lincee’s Impression: I honestly thought they would keep her around.
Status: No Rose

Nicole
Sales Manager
26
Charleston, SC
Why you remember her: You think of her as the spastic best friend sidekick on a TV show like Blossom or Sabrina the Teenage Witch
Lasting Impression: After sneaking into the kitchen to make Andy a surprise birthday cake, she asks a cooking question, “Can we substitute tequila for eggs in the birthday cake?”
Lincee’s Impression: Insert Jim Halpert face here. (I have a feeling there will be a lot of those this season.)
Status: Rose

Peyton
Sorority Recruiter
24
Dallas
Why you remember her: She and the Bachelor (An Officer and a Gentleman) have the same birthday. SHUT UP!
Lasting Impression: Andy insists on calling her Pay-TAWN with a strong “t”
Status: Rose

Stephanie T
Organ Donor Coordinator
27
Folly Beach, SC
Why you remember her: First impression rose
Lincee’s Impression: Mark my words…she has psycho tendencies.
Status: Rose

Stephanie W
Project Manager
23
Overland Park, KS
Why you remember her: She was easy to forget until…
Lasting Impression: Nadia does a back handspring through a doorway in her pink prom dress. Classic. Andy is impressed!
Status: Rose

Susan
Boutique Manager (what are there odds there are two boutique managers?)
23
The Woodlands (Houston)
Why you remember her: [crickets chirping]
Status: Rose

Tessa
Social Worker
26
San Francisco, CA
Why you remember her: Stop me if you’ve heard this one okay? Two muffins are sitting in the oven. One says, “It’s hot in here” and the other one says, “Holy cow…a talking muffin!”
Lasting Impression: Her Mom’s fanny pack got stolen on an Inca trail and she fell in love with the man who loaned them money.
Lincee’s Impression: Double whammy with the Muffin Man and Inca Trail. Nice.
Status: Rose

Tiffany F
Real Estate/Sales
27
St. Louis Park, MN
Why you remember her: She called him Adam when she got out of the limo and then laughed at her funny joke. Note to Tiffany: Andy did NOT laugh.
Status: Denied

Tiffany W
Medical Equipment Sales Rep
28
Boston
Why you remember her: She had on the David’s Bridal bridesmaid dress
Status: Rose

Tina
Med Student
26
Hollywood
Why you remember her: Her fortune cookie said her dreams would become a reality.
Lasting Impression: And here we are…the pièce de résistance…I’m going to need you to stand up and place your hand on your heart as we remember Tina serenading Andy with The Star Spangled Banner. Oh say can you see indeed! You all know of course I can’t watch. I’m yelling. STOP HER! And she sings the whole song. Bless her heart. Really. Bless her heart. Andy wipes a tear away. Is it a tear of joy? Laughter? We will never know. He gives her a standing ovation. I’m rocking back and forth in the fetal position on the floor at this point.
Lincee’s Impression: Sometimes I can still hear the land of the free and the home of the brave if I listen carefully…[shutter]
Status: Rose

I can’t yet tell if I find Andy’s “aw shucks” mentality cute or annoying. I’ll have to get back with you on that one. I’m definitely looking forward to hot tub moments. For the record, there were 14 shirtless moments (it seemed weird and inappropriate to count the two as a child) in the opening montage. We were graced with nine additional shots in the closing. It’s going to be a good season.

Two words:

Boot camp!

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Bless Their Hearts

2007-03-30T12:57:00.000-05:00

From the ABC press release announcing The Bachelor:

“… two women sneak off to the kitchen to cook something special for Baldwin's birthday bash; two more get into an alcohol-fueled argument; another challenges him to a push-up contest; an acrobatic suitor performs some back flips in an evening dress; and another belts out "The Star Spangled Banner."

This is too good to be true.

Three days and counting...

Love Lift Us Up Where We Belong

2007-03-07T16:49:00.000-06:00

From the ABC website:

ABC'S NEW BACHELOR IS TRULY AN OFFICER AND GENTLEMAN,

NOT TO MENTION A DOCTOR AND A WORLD CLASS TRIATHLETE

I'm calling it...he will have on his uniform, she'll wear his hat and he'll sweep her off her feet to the forgo card room.

Twenty-five days...and counting!

Series Finale

2006-11-28T11:23:00.000-06:00

Can I just say that the best part of last night was the little teaser ABC did for the next Bachelor? HELLO NAVY DOCTOR! That made the torturous series finale of Prince Lorenzo actually worth the two hours we had to sit through for him to pick between the vanilla milkshake and the vanilla milkshake.

So many people asked me who I thought he would pick. The truth is that I really didn’t care because they were identical to me. I guess it all came down to one thing really…

Who did his Mommy liked better?

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Winter Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

If you had never seen one moment of the Bachelor Renzy season, you were caught up in the first 30 minutes of the show.

If you didn’t know Sadie and Jen, you were caught up the second 30 minutes of the show. They are good girls. They have bubbly personalities. They sit on their beds and journal. They dream of having their fairy tale come true with a Prince in a castle.

And if you didn’t already know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. She lets the viewer in on this “secret” exactly six times in 53 minutes. I counted.

And guess what? Renzy is having a hard time deciding who to pick. Fortunately, he gets some help from his parents. They will help him make the right decision.

Princess Mom wants happiness for her son. She wants him to find his soul mate. She is super pumped he is allowing them to experience this emotional journey. So excited that she gives him a gift. She has designed for his future wife an engagement ring and it is being made THIS VERY MOMENT!

Call me crazy, but I don’t think that is what Renzy had in mind when he asked his Mom to open up the family vault and let him have his pick of the Borghese family jewels so that he could impress his wife with something an actual princess wore back in the day.

Of course he fakes it and stammers something about fairy tales when his Mom suggests that have a new tradition that begins with her ring she has selected for his future wife.

Jen Meets the Royal Family
Poor Jen wears jeans to meet the royal parents in the family castle. Mom thinks Jen radiates goodness and has a special soul. (Huh?) They talk about what they like about each other. Then they talk about how she is different from Sadie. Jen says she is the real deal and tough. Jen asks what the parents want in a daughter-in-law and Mr. Borghese uses his words and mumbles something about travel and willing to learn.

Mom and Jen go off by themselves to talk when we learn that Mrs. Princess reads palms.

It all makes sense now.

Mom tells Jen that she is a Daddy’s girl and her fate will be determined by the person you marry and his mother. She is an open road of green lights. Jen does a toe touch and is excited for this victory.

Sadie Meets the Royal Family
Sadie shows up in a nice flowing dress. Hugs all around for everyone because she is instantly comfortable as a virgin princess.

Mum asks: “What have you gained from coming here?”

Sadie answers: “I am honored to have been able to spend time with your son.”

Lame.

Sadie then talks about how Renzy has lot of layers and has a deep, smart, witty side that gets her. She reminds us that she fell in love with him while he was flying a plane.

Mom asks if Sadie thinks she is similar to Jen. Sadie says, “NO WAY” and explains that they are night and … later than night… of each other.

Mom wants to read Sadie’s palm. She tells her that her head rules hear heart.
Sadie is so relieved to hear this and decides to tell Mom that she is saving herself for marriage. (number seven)

Big Pot of Stew
Renzy’s new age Mom decides to invite both sets of parents to the castle for a wonderful brunch. She thinks they should all be thrown into the same pot to stir up some action to see what they learn about each other and how their auras change when placed in awkward positions.

Jen’s coaching Dad shows up in his Purple Crush Pride shirt, untucked, to meet the family. Her Mom is as mute as Renzy’s Dad.

Sadie and her wholesome parents arrive shortly after Coach. She pouts to the ABC intern that he gave her the wrong time slot. The ABC intern frantically mixes more mimosas and tells Sadie and family that it was Renzy’s Mom’s idea for this debacle. Sadie plasters on a sweet smile and skips to her wannabe future mother-in-law.

Oh this is going to be good.

BEST QUOTE OF THE NIGHT:
Coach: “I’m praying…I guess to the Pope, that I don’t make an idiot of myself.”

I love the Coach.

Renzy admits that this scenario should be funny, but it is not. He crosses his arms in protest, claiming this is too difficult and it sucks. No other Bachelor has had to do this.

Meanwhile, Coach is livening up the party. He wants to know how Sadie’s parents feel that their daughter is number two? He also encourages Renzy to just tell everyone at that moment who he picked so we can get on with our lives.

Jen is embarrassed. Sadie says everyone should eat their eggs and stop making everything so awkward. Then Renzy gives some random “There’s no place like Rome” speech to end the celebration.

Have I already told you I love the Coach? And did you know that Sadie is a virgin?

The Moms go to a room and start visiting. Jen’s Mom sits in silence as Sadie’s Mom affirms everything Her Highness says while checking the future in her crystal ball.

The next day, Renzy asks for both Dad’s blessings for their daughters’ hands in marriage. He gets them.

I would say more about how the parents are talking with the daughters about marriage and engagements and fairy tales, but it was the same conversation in repeat. I’m too bored to type it and you would be bored reading it.

Sadie’s Last Date
Sadie and Renzy go sailing. She tells the camera that she feels like she has been holding her breath this whole show. (She needs to start blowing that breath, because that sailboat ain’t going anywhere!)

They see a rainbow and kiss. They toast. They talk about how they are ready to be normal. They talk about comfortable silences and then practice a comfortable silence. (Give me a break)

She pulls out a Bachelor Lorenzo scrapbook that she made from Creative Memories and flips through the pages remembering their time together in Rome. It is at this point that I realize he is the worst at trying to mask and cover his feelings. It is written all over his face that he is not into Sadie and that the limo keys are jingling behind the scenes. ABC intern is taking bets and it is not looking good for Sadie or her v-card.

Renzy tells Sadie goodbye, with a mopey gleam in his eye, and turns just as Sadie steals his napkin. It will make a good background for their engagement scrapbook she has already started on…

Jen’s Last Date
Jen and Renzy ride horses with helmets. I thought that was humorous.

They grill in a lightning storm (smart) and Renzy…or should I call him CHACH…decides to turn into his Mom for five seconds and talk about how the storm is symbolic for friction and sad feelings and burnt hamburgers.

Jen goes out on a limb and tells Renzy that she could see herself moving to New York. She tells him that she wants to be picked and that she hopes she is the one standing at the end. They talk about the wishes they made in the fountain, and how he can’t tell her his last wish because it hasn’t come true.

Vomit.

Final Rose
Sadie and Jen both wake up, gaze over their balcony and start journaling. They talk about how they are in love and could be engaged that night. Sadie tells the camera that she has been saving herself for marriage. (eight)

Renzy goes to the jeweler and picks up his Mom’s ring with the diamond that is the size of my eyeball.

Sadie is out of the limo first. She is looking very boobilicious in her Roman dress and Renzy can barely get the words out to tell her she is done. He holds her hands in a death grip the entire conversation as he tells her that her scrapbook list of 358 things she wants in a man, included one item that he didn’t fit. Number 242 said that her man would never fathom being with another woman. Alas…he is in love with someone else.

Not letting go of her hands, he starts to get teary. She is gracious and tells him that he knows what is best. She tries to break away from his grip, but he is determined to make sure she is not upset. She finally says she feels foolish and he says his feelings were 100% real. His lip starts to quiver. I start to laugh. That nervous laughter. Please dude…let her walk away.

Lone Tears
I was a little upset that the ABC promo they kept showing Renzy in a blue shirt with the lone tear streaming down both eyes had not yet shown. HAD I MISSED THIS SCENE? But they choose this moment to have the emotional breakdown of Renzy feeling horrible he is letting Sadie go home.

I think there were only two takes to get that Visine juuuuuuust right. You go Renzy.

At this point, Renzy is ticking me off that he will not let Sadie just walk away with what little dignity she and her v-card have left. Don’t break down Sadie! Don’t do it! Hold on. HOLD ON. And then she cracks. It was a really big chance to take…because she was afraid of getting hurt. And she got hurt again.

Renzy tells the camera that he found love with Jen and that she has all the characteristics and qualities he’s looking for in a wife. He tells her that his third wish is coming true and pulls out his Mom’s ring. He lets her stare at it and then proceeds to NOT propose.

No surprise there…we’ve come to know that the Bachelor is not going to propose.
He talks about how they are in the Garden of Eden and they need to get back to planet Earth to see if emotions are real. Poor Jen is transfixed by the honker diamond and doesn’t hear a word he says.

But the surprise is when he decides to let her wear the ring anyway!

Jen decides to ditch her 8th-grade class in Florida and head for NYC!
He picks her up and spins her around and gives her several bad kisses.

And that’s the end. ABC gives us some token end-of-the-road closing montage of their Bachelor experience and I can only think one thing…

What a crap year.

But then…a glimmer of hope.

Wait!

A freaking beacon of pure joy with a rockin’ body…

Meet Lieutenant Andy Baldwin. He’s a Navy doctor who is excited to find the love of his life.

Please Lord…bring back the hot tub.

Until Spring 2007…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Some of the Women Tell All

2006-11-21T13:06:00.000-06:00

Top 10 Moments of Women Tell All

1. Lisa: “I’m not as crazy as I appear to be.”
2. Agnes: “If Lorenzo like Erica…please…don’t like me.”
3. Jami: “You are such a bitch Erica. Dayum.
4. Erica: “I’m perfect the way I am, so I’m going to give myself a rose.”
5. Chach: “I think it’s a cow’s penis.”
6. Our Host Chris Harrison: “That was a terrible woody.”
7. Erica: “Jami is loud, drinks beer and rides bulls…she should be with a cowboy or football player.”
8. Sarah: “We all knew you were a Bachelor whore, but did you have to wear the wedding dress?”
9. Drunk Kim: “Hey…at least I went down in history!” (Blasphemy!)
10. Our Host Chris Harrison to Agnes: “I see you are shaking your head, but do you understand anything they are saying? Bless your heart.”

Was Chris giving me a secret shout out? I’m going with yes!

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

Episode Six

2006-11-14T11:15:00.000-06:00

Let’s begin by saying that I missed you dear reader. I feel like it’s been so long with me being in California and then ABC sneakily aired the Country Music Awards instead of our beloved Bachelor. And with only two episodes left, it will be an entire WHO KNOWS when we see each other again.

That makes me a little sad. What can I think about to cheer me up?

I KNOW! Daniel Craig as the new James Bond. A blond James Bond. He’s sexy.

I KNOW! Jim and Pam reunite on The Office this week! Hooray!

I KNOW! Chach and THE VIRGIN trying to make out under water in a pool with full scuba gear on!

There it is…that happy warm feeling mixed with anxiousness and embarrassment. Feel the Bachelor love with me and read on.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Like it or not, our Bachelor is at least TRYING to do the right thing with these girls. Sure he’s awkward, can’t kiss and probably hides his own V-card in his wallet, but Renzy is attempting to be a stand up guy. He’s excited about the exotic overnight forgo card dates and is very confused that each of these women hold qualities that he wants in a future wife.

Renzy was man enough to let us in on his deep thoughts as he pondered who would stay…and who would go home with there fairy tale crushed. We see these pop up throughout the night. Let’s listen in on the first one.

Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I am confused. The goal here is to not be left with three women…but with one.”

A-ha. I did not get that before. Thanks for the insight.

Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 1
Sweden
Jen

Oh Jen. Jen is just cute as a button. Our resident cheerleader. The Prince loves that she loves her family. He loves that she loves her job. And he loves that she loves kids. But he needs to see her emotions and that she knows how to open up.

So they go on a roller coaster.

Because there is no better way to get to know someone than on a steep, sharply curving elevated railway with small open passenger cars that is operated at high speeds as the ride experiences extreme changes in gravity and abrupt turns.

Piece of cake.

Or…

To really get to know someone, you ride around in bumper cars with the ABC cameras and play shooting games at the arcade in the empty amusement park. Typically, one wins a stuffed un-identifiable animal and the REAL conversation starts when the couple decides what to name the red “thing.”

Chach: “What are you going to name him?”
Jen: “He looks like a Fred to me.”
Chach: “I was thinking Simon.”

Sparks…flying…chemistry…everywhere

Or…

Take her to an ice bar with super cute geothermal space suits and compare the temperature of this igloo to winter in New York. This way, you can have an innocent segue into finding out if she is willing to move there. Huh? HUH? Pretty sneaky.

Chach realizes that time is running out and that he may need to have a traditional grown-up conversation with Jen. He asks her a very important question:

Have you ever been in love?

Jen answers that she has been in love twice. Once with a high school boy and once in college. But she has learned from those two relationships and knows that she is stronger as a result and is ready to get married and have kids.

Yikes. Someone slipped a little crazy “Lisa” pill in her champagne…

Jen asks Chach, “What makes a relationship work?”

Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“I think it is a mixture of having a good time, keeping it fun and listening.”

Sweet! No need to worry about such simple details such as trust, honesty or even love. All you need is an amusement park and you are golden!

Chach gives Jen the token forgo card and asks her to stay together…as a couple…in the fantasy suite. Jen enthusiastically answers, “Heck yes!” and they are off to oooooo and ahhhhhh over the room.

We see the rose petals. We see the champagne. Nice b-roll shot of the moon. And the pièce de résistance…a lovely hot tub.

Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Gosh…the water is hot!”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Normally, I would go straight to my random thoughts of the next exotic overnight forgo card date, but I have to point out what Our Host Chris Harrison says before the break:

“And later…will THE VIRGIN accept the fantasy card? Stay tuned to find out.”

I wonder who they are talking about? No way! Sadie is a virgin? GET OUT!

I was watching the show with my dear friend Jill. All I can say is thank you Mr. TiVo. Without the assistance of the blessed pause and rewind buttons, we would not have been able to truly appreciate the gut-busting laugh we both received from this simple sentence. Such annunciation. THE VIRGIN. Such gusto. THE VIRGIN! Play. Laugh. Repeat. Play. Laugh. Repeat. Good times.

Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 2
Budapest, Hungary
Lisa

Straight up, Renzy admits that he thinks Lisa may have an ulterior motive as ABC walks down memory lane of his hometown date with the psycho.

Must we? Must we re-live the infamous stack of well-read Martha Stewart Wedding magazines and the wedding dress? Yes. There she is. The blushing bride.

And bless her heart, Lisa has no clue! She thinks she rocked her hometown date. I mean, what else can you assume when your dog approves of your suitor? It must be love.

The two roam around a wine tasting and end up on a boat to talk serious talk.

This is where it gets good people.

Renzy knows that Lisa has been a big fan of the show. Watch as our little friend digs herself into a pretty deep hole:

Prince: “Why were you a fan of the Bachelor?”
Lisa: “I thought it was entertaining to watch.”
Lincee: “Oh this is going to be good…”

Prince: “Do you have a favorite Bachelor?”
Lisa: “Travis was hot…but a total tool.”
Lincee: “And Lorenzo “Captain Obvious” is not a total tool?”
Lisa: “Andy Firestone was good looking, but a sleaze.” (She picks up a shovel)
Prince: “So why would you sign up for a show where all of the guys you’ve named…your favorite Bachelors…were all tools?”
Lisa: “I thought the show was interesting.”

The ABC intern runs to Wal-Mart to get her some gardening gloves. She’s going to be pretty busy for a while getting out of this mess and may develop blisters.

And I must point out that I’m giving great big KUDOS to Renzy for calling her out. No longer will I call you Chach! Very un-Chach-like. You ARE normal!

Poor Lisa feels she has been put on the spot. She must redeem herself at dinner!
Good thing the ABC intern remembered to schlep her shovel, because we are about to get knee-deep again folks! Great TV!

Prince: “Have you ever been in love?”
Lisa: “I’ve been in love twice. One was a college guy, but we just lost the passion when I met someone else.”

That happens with infidelity.

Lisa: “It was intense and we fell in love immediately. We broke up in February.”
Prince: “You are here signing up for this show three weeks after you break up with some guy you really love?”
Lisa: (putting on her gloves and grabbing the shovel) “I signed up on a whim.”

Hi Lisa? It’s Lincee. Let’s stay away from any talk about you knowing the Bachelor backwards and forwards and that you have a timeline. No wedding talk. I know it is hard, but you are way too manipulative to let him find out that you are psycho. Game on Lisa!

Prince: “I will never move to Oregon. I hate ducks. Would you move to New York? I know a bar that we can go to where you can experience what it will be like during winter in New York.”
Lisa: “It gets cold in Oregon, but thanks. I don’t know if I want to move to NY. Let’s cross that bridge (checks her timeline) when we get there in eight months and three weeks.”
Prince: “You know this show is about getting engaged and finding the love of your life, right?”

Jill and I are whooping and hollering! GO PRINCE! Dig deeper LISA! Buh-bye! Don’t let the palace door hit you on the way out! Very Prince-like. The anti-Chach!

Hold up. Wait a minute.

Tell me my eyes are deceiving me and my boy is NOT pulling out the token forgo card. Renzy…you better have some sort of evil plan or cruel joke coming up.

Lisa: “I know what it says,” she exclaimed as she throws down her shovel. “You don’t have to read it. YES, I WILL ACCOMPANY YOU TO THE FANTASY SUITE!”

Please. As if he is going to give you the fantasy card now. He is PRINCE LORENZO! Gone are the days of Chach. He is on to you and your timeline you psycho Bachelorette.

Then he gives her the card.

So close…

Chach hopes that Lisa will be more herself (what?) and explains that the fantasy suite is all about having fun (second base) and that he wants to get to know her on a more personal level (what color are your panties?)

He tries to tell the camera that he was breaking Lisa’s confidence of always having a rose and getting the diamond earrings. He said that she is a planner and that he wanted to mix it up a bit by ruining her timeline to see how she reacted.

Whatever Chach. You did it all for the nookie.

Lisa tells the camera that she was a bit “off” that day, but at the end of the night there was definitely romance.

Exotic Overnight Forgo Card Date 3
Sicily
Sadie THE VIRGIN (not that there’s anything wrong with that…)

If you didn’t know, Sadie is saving herself for marriage. THE VIRGIN, has been craving one-on-one time but is super anxious about what she will do with the forgo card.

They hang out at an indoor pool. Nothing says romance like the echoy sounds of deep conversations about v-cards with a nice chlorine aroma to get you in the mood.

Oh yeah? How about SCUBA DIVING! Love is in the air.

We watch some quality TV as THE VIRGIN gets her scuba license. Lots of talk about sharks in the pool (good one Chach) and goggles and bobbing of things.

Then comes the moment where Jill and I had to pause, laugh, rewind and laugh again. The underwater kiss. Oh that kiss. It must go down in Bachelor history. I will find a screen shot and put it on the desktop of my computer. I’m not kidding around. There must have been about four takes, because it was extremely orchestrated. Sucking up your oxygen, pulling out your breathing apparatus, floating to the top of the four-foot-deep shallow end of the pool, going in with “goggle lips” and trying to make contact with an already bad kisser? Such effort! So bad, yet so good.

THE VIRGIN tells the camera that Chach is the kind of man you can entrust your whole heart. They talk about all of her “firsts” since she has been on the show. Her first time to get a massage outside. First time to scuba dive in a swimming pool. First time to fly a plane. Nice try ABC. We don’t buy your foreshadowing.

She talks a little bit more about how she is reserved and that she is saving herself for marriage…get out… and then proceeds to straddle the Prince for a super sexy massage.

They go have dinner in the big yellow room, and talk about what they want in life from a relationship.

Sadie divulges that she is a virgin and Chach says he wants someone that respects him, has the same passions and does not wake up in a bad mood.

Insert second Jim Halpert face here.

Deep Thoughts by Prince Borghese
“I think every year, life gets shorter and shorter.”

After finishing their wine from the ginormous glasses, THE VIRGIN has a panic attack and leaves the bright yellow room for the hallway to breathe. She must process her emotions because the forgo card is coming and she has no idea what to do!

Instead of being a cool virgin, THE VIRGIN enters the room, sits down and begins a long soliloquy of how she is saving herself for marriage. The fantasy card is not something she is used to, but that doesn’t mean that she doesn’t want to spend time with Renzy. But she is a virgin and must stand strong.

Chach stops her from embarrassing herself one more instant on national TV and explains that he likes classy conservative women and that is why he is offering her a card. There is no pressure and he wants her to accept the card and be normal.

THE VIRGIN: “He didn’t expect any anything but to spend time with me…and that’s what you would expect from a prince!”

Vomit.

Rose Ceremony

Deep Thoughts by Lorenzo Borghese
“Thanks for everything. I’m not the type of guy that dates three women…if you don’t mind I want to get this over with because it is really hard on my side.”

I have to admit that I thought ABC was going to pull one over on me. I was sure they would kick Jen to the curb and leave us with psycho and THE VIRGIN. But alas, he did not offer Lisa a rose. Lisa in her “pre-wedding white” rose ceremony dress.

Bless Lisa’s heart. Maybe her friend still has the receipt to David’s Bridal and can return the dress.

Renzy is honest with Lisa and says that he didn’t want to hurt her any more, but he felt she was in it for the wrong reasons. He didn’t want to be run by a “biological calendar” and wanted her to love him because he was Renzy. Not a Prince. Not a guy with a pulse. Renzy.

Lisa jumps back in the hole she had been digging earlier and starts explaining that she was in it for fun and that she would never marry someone according to a timeline.

Renzy calls her out… “Exactly. Your number one reason for doing this is for fun. Not to find a match.”

He shoves her into the limo for the ABC psychotherapist to take care of and we see Lisa fall apart before our very eyes. The hyperventilating was so bad that the ABC translator (who as we know speaks fluent drunk) could not even make out what she said. She finishes breathing in the paper bag and tells the viewing audience that she will always be a princess.

Then she starts flirting with the ABC intern, because let’s face it…no one is getting any younger here!

Women Tell All next week. So much material. So little time.

All about the shame, not the fame,
Lincee

Another Week...

2006-11-06T13:09:00.000-06:00

I've just learned that the Country Music Awards are tonight and the Bachelor will NOT air on ABC. We will have to wait and ENTIRE WEEK to see what happens in the super exotic suites during the super exotic fantasy dates. To forgo or not to forgo...that is the question.

In the meantime, feel free to check out some pictures of my recent trip to Cali. I'll spare the ones of all the oil rigs and concentrate on the Disneyland detour. I was roaming down Main Street when I spotted a sign. Edyta and Joey from Dancing with the Stars would be performing that day!

I'm a fan of the show. Sort of fan of Joey (whoa). I wish he would loosen his face up a bit when he performs. But I ABSOLUTELY LOVE EDYTA! And the two of them together are fabulous! They taped the show for Tuesday's airing. I'll be one of the crazy people in the ginormous crowd that gathered. Unfortunately, I didn't get picked to hold a "Canada Loves Joey" sign, so you'll have to spy me.

Oh...and check out Edyta's legs. Mine look just like that...

2006-10-31T20:44:00.000-06:00

Episode 5

I’m in California. Every time I call somebody, I say that I’m in CA-LI-FORN-YAAAAAAA like the song from the OC. Yes I watch the OC. That’s not my point…

Here’s my problem. Last night at 7:40, I was about to pass out in my hotel bed. I was no longer vertical, and that is never a good sign. With the two hour time difference, on top of the daylight savings change, it felt like 10:40 to my body. Not to mention the fact that I popped up around 4:15 that morning…again…7:15 a.m. to my body…you can imagine the sleepiness that I felt. I wondered how I was going to make it through the show. Then I realized that the Bachelor does not come on at 8:00 p.m. in California like it does in Texas. ANOTHER HOUR!

I apologize now for any random thoughts…or unfinished thoughts…that may follow. Everyone knows that I have the eating habits and bedtime of a third grader. It’s just who I am. Loving me means loving all of me.

Anybody going to buy the Kevin Federline CD today? Rock on.

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

This episode is very exciting. Take home dates. Who will he choose? Lisa was the first to capture his heart, but he doesn’t know about her plan. Sadie is all about her V-Card but doesn’t want to rest on her laurels. The Prince is impressed with the teacher from Miami and Agnes caught him from the moment he saw her. Let’s take a whirlwind journey around the globe!

Home Date One
Sadie
San Diego
Our Prince meets Sadie at the beach

Sadie is pumped. She is in her element. She NEVER brings a guy home, so this is huge. SO HUGE, that she gallops across the grassy lawn to greet our Bachelor because she can’t contain her excitement. Sadie also thinks that Chach is SOOOO CUTE! She tells him this right before she encourages him not to say anything “lame” to her parents. We meet the family. Sadie tells them about the best date ever (when she flew) in her best baby voice.

We all know how I feel about baby voices…

The family prays together and has a lovely dinner. Chach talks to Dad about how Sadie has blown him away. Sadie tells Mom that the Prince reminds her of Daddy. Mom says that Chach is very down-to-Earth and locks eyes when he talks. Sadie says the Prince makes her feel safe. Daddy says that he trusts his little angel’s judgment.

Sadie has a surprise for Renzy. Making out at a bonfire on Moonlight Beach. You go with your V-Card Sadie! She admits that she sees potential and it is scaring her.

Home Town Two
Lisa
Portland
Dog Park and more!

Again, we are reminded that Lisa wants to be married and have kids by 30. She said that she will make this happen with the Prince. Chach is concerned that Lisa is the first girl he had an emotional and physical attraction to, but nothing since. But, thank GOODNESS, Lisa decides to break the tension by painting grapes on her wall above the fireplace! There’s nothing like Italian fresco (I don’t care if that is not right) to break the ice.

Meet Allie. Allie is the reason Chach will not choose Lisa as his final girl. Allie decides to smoke a little crack before she visits Lisa. Afterwards, she feels it is a good idea to take a random (yeah right) wedding dress over to Lisa’s house. Lisa opens the door and pretends to be shocked to see this dress. Allie gives Lisa a puff of her doobie, twists her arm and forces her to put on the wedding dress for the Prince.

While Lisa is frantically searching for her strapless bra, Baked Allie lights up again and asks Chach if he knows about Lisa’s timeline.

Timeline? What timeline?

Baked Allie takes a drag, holds it in, and spits out the familiar statistics we’ve all come to know and love… “Married by 26…cough, hack, cough…kids by 30.”

It is at this point that Lisa saunters in wearing the dress. Wearing the freaking dress. Then Baked Allie puts on a Ti-Erica on her head and they giggle like she’s actually engaged or something.

Note: I did not yell at the TV at this point. Not because I’m in a hotel in CALI-FORN-IAAAAAAAAA, but because we already knew Lisa made the mistake of dawning a freaking wedding gown and we yelled at the TV last week.

Just wait…the yelling comes later.

Needless to say, our Prince is a bit freaked out. Bless Lisa’s heart. She feels that she has won major points for this gesture, assuming the Prince is imaging their wedding as she is.

They leave Baked Allie to satisfy her munchies and head for Lisa’s parents’ house. She shares that she had on a wedding dress earlier that day. Luckily, the entire family thinks this is weird. GREAT! Good to know they are not all crazy!

Until…

They all start laughing about how she has wedding magazines everywhere and how she’s had her wedding planned forever and how she knows what the bridesmaids will wear and what cake and the candles and the flowers. Everyone seems to think this is precious.

This is not funny. This is not precious. This is borderline psycho.

Lisa and her Dad go upstairs to talk about how they are going to walk down the isle together at the wedding. Bad move. They leave Chach with the Mom.

You know…the Pilates instructor.

PLEASE STOP. STOP RIGHT NOW. DO NOT DO PILATES CHACH. YOU ARE NOT LISTENING. YOU ARE DOING YOUR HUNDREDS RIGHTN OW IN FRONT OF ME. YOU ARE ON THE FLOOR ON YOUR BACK DOING HUNDREDS. I CAN’T LOOK AWAY. I BEG YOU TO STOP. WHY IS LISA LAUGHING? THIS IS SO UN-FUNNY. PLEASE DISCONTINUE THE PILATES.

Time to leave. His abs are tired.

He tells the family the same line he told Sadie’s family… “I can see where Lisa gets her charming qualities.” Lisa walks him to the door and inserts her tongue down his throat in case he doesn’t know that she digs him.

Chach tells the camera that he has concerns and wonders if Lisa has an agenda.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Home Date Three
Jen
Miami Beach

Jen and Chach fish in the rain. Jen catches a shark. She kisses the shark goodbye before they throw him back in the ocean. This turns the Prince on. He wants to be kissed like that shark. They attempt. We all know how that turned out.

Jen tells Chach that her dad is intense. She is an only child and her parents have a hard time sharing. As if the ABC intern did not tell him, Chach asks if her Dad has a lot of guns. Because that is a typical question to ask before meeting the folks!

Jen and Renzy receive an exciting homecoming from the parents. Jen is so happy to see her Daddy. He is her world. Dad doesn’t care if Chach is a Prince, King of England or the President of the United States…he just wants to know if you can make his little girl happy. And how do we find this out? By pulling a gun on him and making him twitch. Or pee his pants. Either one is considered a success.

Dad, as he holds his gun on his lap, asks Chach, “How do you feel about my Jen?”

Chach’s answer? “She is obviously attractive.”

Doh!

Dad cocks gun and Chach starts mumbling something about wholesome and personality.

Home Town Date Four
Venice
Agnes

Chach is excited this is his last stop. He enjoys being around Agnes, but again, his problem is the communication. Agnes admits to the camera that she is nervous about him meeting her parents and that she is “following” for him.

They meet in front of the church Agnes wants to get married in. He tells her she looks very Italian. She asks where he is. He answers that he is here. And that the streets and hospitals are beautiful.

Is this a match made in heaven or what?

They take a gondola ride and swallow each other’s faces under every bridge. They eat at a café and talk about how Anges’ family does not speak English and this might be a problem. Chach predicts a ton of silence during the meeting.

Agnes introduces him to her Mom, Dad and siblings. Chach wants the family to know that he is there with good intensions. It is important for them to know that he is currently living in New York, but is from Italy.

“SO NICE TO MEET YOU ALL…I WISH I COULD SPEAK ITALIAN. I LIVED HERE UNTIL I WAS TWO YEARS OLD.”

Silence.

They try to communicate during dinner as Agnes holds her fork like a three-year-old.

Another round of silence.

What to do to break this silence? What to do to break the language barrier?

The ABC intern suggests the group communicate through the international language. The international language of…

DANCE! Dance WITH masks and hats!

“I saw a lot of beautiful things in Venice, but the most beautiful was Anges.”

Where’s my bucket?

Rose Ceremony
Yes…the Pier One bureau with the photos is back! I’ve missed the bureau. It makes the Prince’s decisions so much easier.

Chach says that he has been blown away by all four ladies and is sorry someone is going to get hurt…but it has to happen. Because those are the rules Chris Harrison told him at the bureau meeting.

Sadie: We knew she would be first. I would re-think the shoes next time.
Jen: Da da da da da da GO CHACH
Lisa: “I do!” she answers enthusiastically as if she has practiced before…

Poor Agnes. Bless her heart. Chach tells her that the number one thing you need in a relationship is communication, and he just didn’t think that they had that.

Really?

Poor Agnes starts to cry. Chach gets emotional and Agnes begins to “ugly cry” in Chach’s neck. Then HE starts crying. He gives her one final ‘gratzee’ and shoves her in the car. Agnes no longer has the energy to speak English. We have subtitles. Bless her heart.

Instead of the Erica bathtub scene Chris Harrison promised, we are tortured with some random soliloquy about how Jen and Sadie are vanilla milkshakes and Lisa is a vanilla milkshake with cinnamon. But Erica is a champagne milkshake.

Okay…maybe not so random.

Everyone excited about the forgo card dates next week? This is where the real fun begins!
All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee

2006-10-31T13:16:00.000-06:00

Sadly, Lincee will not be able to post until later today.

But, she promises to give this one a little extra love because of the long wait.

Ok, well, I just made that last part up, but, I'm sure it'll be full of lots of love either way.

Soon, my friends, soon...

BFF Paul.

2006-10-24T10:28:00.000-05:00

Meet Jim Halpert of The Office. This is the Jim Halpert “face” that I always talk about. Sometimes, it’s all you need to truly understand a moment. Sort of a non-verbal “bless her heart” if you will.

Episode Four
I’m going to do this recap a little differently. Last night, I watched the show live. Never again. Instead of being able to fast forward through commercials and wasting only 48 minutes of my life, I endured an hour’s worth of stale Bachelor. I’m not bitter. Last week was the home run…the hole-in-one…ABC went the distance. There’s only one direction to go from there.

Sure, we had a few morsels of good moments tucked away here and there, and I’ve decided to end the recap with a traditional Top Ten list. For those of you who didn’t watch the show last night, let me sum up for you…very quickly…

SIMPLE DISCLAIMER

The following information you are about to read is of personal opinion. If this e-mail circulates to friends, family, enemies...that is your business. However, if you or someone in your address book happens to personally know, sort of know, know the brother/cousin of, thought you saw in the grocery store buying Halloween Oreos or have a nail technician that looks exactly like one of the Bachelorettes on the show...none of this is personal and I'm sure they are all lovely people.

Competing for One
of the One-On-One Dates

In a dramatic twist, our crazy ABC Bachelor writers have brought Erica back to choose who will get the first one-on-one date with the Prince. They’ve kept this a secret from the girls, telling them only that someone they know will be choosing the dates based on their answers to two very difficult questions:

Who is the least deserving of becoming a princess?
Who is the most insincere girl in the house?

Poor Erica sits at the TV, writing comments about each girl on her little pink notepad. Unfortunately, we see how Erica holds a pen…and in turn feel sorry for her that her Nanny never taught her the proper way to grasp a writing utensil.

Pretty much across the board, the girls all think Lisa is undeserving and insincere. Lisa answers Jen. Agnes tells her favorite princess story because she didn’t understand the question and Sadie cries to the camera because she doesn’t like talking bad about people.

The girls reconvene in the drawing room and our host dramatically reveals that it is Erica…a true princess…who has chosen the winner.

One-on-One Date
Fly away with me for a day of pampering!
Sadie

In a nutshell, the Prince flies Sadie around Rome. Here’s a tiny snippet of their stimulating conversation while in the plane:

Sadie: “You really do know how to fly!”
Chach: “I’m not doing a damn thing.”

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

She thinks he is cute, smart and hot and continues to try and grab his hands. It is at this point that I ponder to myself that maybe he needs his hands while flying several miles up in the air. Am I wrong? Oops…I guess so… because now SADIE is in charge of flying the plane. I guess he really wasn’t doing a damn thing. Huh.

Chach says that he loves that she enjoys every second that she is alive and that they bonded. After safely landing, Sadie steps out onto the wing of the plane and screams, “I FLEW” to the top of her lungs. “I FLEW”. Then Chach answers, “YOU FLEW.” Over and over. This tickled me. I don’t know why.

Finally…a hot tub scene.

Sadie gets all serious and brings up her V-card again, thanking Chach for not having a problem with her values. He says that it is weird that guys mind and tells her that they’ve missed out. She thinks this is sexy.

Sadie reveals that she’s noticed the whole day that he wanted to kiss her. In a brilliant plan, she suggests that they pretend it is the end of the date and should just kiss at dinner. Chach likes her confidence and that she initiated the kiss. She gives him a San Diego Chargers t-shirt and he gives her a rose. They make out. The kissing is better…still not good…but better. I’m assuming he practiced on melons with the intern or something.

Group Date
Toga party
Jeanette, Dez, Lisa and Agnes

Dez is a toga princess baby. They participate in a chariot racing contest. There were three races. To me, it would have made a better show if the girls had been driving the chariots themselves, but what can you do?

Jeanette wins. Chach thinks this means she is fearless and a winner at heart.

What? She just rode around in a chariot. How does this make her fearless?

Cut to “Boobs and Butts Weekend” at a random pool and we find the Prince tackling Dez, as if playing football, flinging her into the water—toga and all. This is his way of getting the girls to feel relaxed so they can talk. Lisa finds out there is no rose and is ticked off. Agnes meets him at the swing set to tell him that she is jealous of Sadie for getting a one-on-one date. She wants him to meet her family. He questions if there will be a language barrier with her folks.

Insert Jim Halpert face here.

Meanwhile, Lisa confides in Jeanette that she has her entire home town date figured out…down to the dog park and yummy gelato treat for dessert.

One-on-One Date
A Roman Night on the Town
Jen

This is Jen’s first date with the Prince. Unfortunately, he forgot to tell her that it was a Saturday Night Fever theme date and she felt silly next to him in his white blazer. They ride around in a horse-drawn carriage. They eat dinner on the roof overlooking the Vatican. They talk about teaching and counseling and how she likes to solve problems and how she is the answer to his problem. I got distracted by the ginormous bite of something bright orange that they were both stuffing into their mouths that I quit listening. I don’t each orange food, except for candy corn and Halloween Oreos. They talk about how their parents met. He tells her there is one person for each person and you have to find that person. Good Lord Chach…just give her the rose already.

They visit the Trevi Fountain …with the entire population of Rome watching…and throw coins and make wishes and make out and giggle. Then he thanks her for kissing him. Cringe. Pet peeve of mine.

Rose Ceremony
Dez makes her final plea. She says she is in love with him. (Death sentence. Nail in the coffin. See ya Dez.) Lisa is wearing the earrings she won on the first day. She tells the Prince that it doesn’t bother her that he goes out on other dates…it’s a part of the process. He digs this.

With 0nly two roses left, Chach asks that they not say goodbye…only thank you. I’m throwing up as he gives the roses to Lisa (surprise surprise) and Agnes.

I do have to admit that I thought Agnes was gone. The only thing I can think of is that our Prince has some sort of unresolved fantasy about dating the foreign exchange student back in high school, so he is fulfilling that with Agnes. Or…that he must take a hot girl…just because she’s hot. Or the city of Rome has some sort of agreement with ABC that one of their girls must make it to the final three.

Top Ten Moments of Episode Four
1. When Erica shows up at the castle and asks in her most Princess-like proper voice, “What’s up bitches?” Note to self: Are pink crochet shawls back? Check latest Vogue…
2. When returning to the drawing room from her confessional about who deserves the one-on-one date with the Prince, Lisa tells the group that she thinks everyone deserves to be a princess. Even though she REALLY said that Jen is not pretty without makeup
3. What looked different about Sadie you ask? Bangs.
4. Jeanette wins the chariot race. Scratch that. Jeanette’s driver wins the chariot race for her and as a reward, she gets to have one wish granted by the Prince. Jeanette chooses to play the suck up card and tells the Prince that her wish is for him to enjoy the moment. What in the world? Ask for a rose. Ask for some free cosmetics. Don’t cop out. I can’t tell you how THRILLED I was that the Prince agreed with me. Points for Chach.
5. Lisa swiggin’ out of the champagne bottle at “Boobs and Butts Weekend”
6. “TAKE YOUR TOP OFF! WE’RE GOING STREAKING IN THE QUAD!”
7. Our Host Chris shows us scenes from the hometown dates from next week. Jen’s Dad pulls out a gun and tells the Prince that this particular rifle is the one he would use on the man who treated is daughter inappropriately.
8. Also, a young lady asks Chach if he is aware of Lisa’s “timeline” for marriage. We see wedding magazines and then Lisa in a wedding dress. Please tell me she doesn’t do this in front of him. Please Lord.
9. Erica talking to the camera in a bubble bath? With a tiara?
10. Deleted scene: Dez asks the group the craziest place they’ve ever had sex. Dez: girl’s locker room at her high school; Lisa: floaty in the middle of the lake; Chach: the girls’ villa in Italy

Sure. We believe you Chach.

FYI: I will be out of town next Monday and will do my best to write the recap from my hotel in California. Surf’s up dude. Until then…

All about the shame, not the fame,

Lincee